I don't like this day.

I can't sleep...

It's been long since I've relapsed...

But by now... I know it's not a matter of if, but when.

I miss it... And at this point I don't know if I actually want to recover. I don't think I even deserve it in the first place.

At any moment, I'll go back to where I was at the beginning of this. Like always.

It always ends the same... And I don't know how to feel about it anymore.

I'm not actively suicidal, and I haven't been in a while.

But the thoughts are still there...

They still haunt me the same way they always have.

I guess after so many years of this... I've become sort of numb to it all.

I hate how a single chromosome can fuck up your life.

I try to be here for people...

I try to be enough...

But... I'm always a disappointment.

I always ruin everything...

And when I try to help, I only make everything worse.

I'm useless. I'm worthless.

I'm never good enough.

It's so... Hard to hold on to life...

But... I try.

I have been trying lately, more than ever, to hold on to the little things that make this life a little less unbearable, and to ignore everything else...

And it's hard to ignore all the shit my mind tells me everyday... But I think I really am trying.

spring tulips vii