My last post was from end of February and now it’s the end of June, so 4 months.

I think things finally started to feel semi-normal for me in March (my bday month) which is ironic because last March is when everything went downhill with covid and basically everything else in my life lmao. crazy how it's been like 15+ months since all that went down. but in mid-march the fam and i got our first covid shots allhamduillah, and then end of March was my bday! and b/c last March was so shitty, i wanted this bday to be better so Jannat and I went on a road trip to Portland and Seattle and we saw Faria + Hana, it was so fun but weird to be doing stuff again lmao. And then, in April I finally got a job writing for ET. im gonna be honest, this is not the position i thought i would be in after my MA and everything, especially cuz it's part-time, but I am very grateful for the job even tho i think i deserve more lol, but it's a cool site and in my field so gonna try to not complain (too much lol). And then in April we also got our second dose of the vaccine and then in May... Ali and Tey got married!!! it was so crazy but also so great. very happy for them and may they live a happy and blessed life together inshAllah. and their wedding was the catalyst of us starting to like actually hang with friends and family more. in mid-may i also finally got to go back to campus and westwood and stayed for a few days to see friends. it was so so nice.... it was the first time i went back after leaving in a rush march 2020 b/c of covid....

anyways, june has been chill for the most part... don't think anything too big happened but there have been lots of family/friend hangouts which is so nice to do again. i did have some annoying things happen thoo that im blaming on mercury in retrograde -_- lol ,but i am also serious, i also finally got off the waitlist after so fucking long and now have a regular therapist i can see weekly :'-) alhamdulillah. oh also, super randonmly just got another part-time job ,which is cool,it's not like officially confirmed, but like almost is, but i wanna focus on my creative projects more now too so hoping i can balance that all out with working too.

with it almost officially being 6 whole months of 2021 (honestly, wtf is time?!) i do feel like i wanna step up my game..... like i feel im not reaching my potential

anyways this past week has been pretty hectic

-Friday i had work off, but my first therapy sesh and then i legit stayed up until 4 am doing deco for tey's party

-sat was tey's party and it was so fun but also so tiring

sun-was father's day and we went to visit nanabu

- i think mon + tue i rested and caught up on sleep, which was good. but i also felt pretty lazy lol

-wed was more productive, i ran errands and caught up on some work

-thur / today, had work, went to target quickly after and talked with faria, came home walked waffles and soon after ali and tey came ffor dinner

-fri, i have work, therapy after, then have to get ready and mom and i are going to z aunti's party

sat-might hang with Jannat and Sun will probs taake waffles to Matt's so the dogs can play.

anyways, it just turned 9 but im already pretty sleepy. i gotta stay up for a bit to watch this show for work for a bit which im annoyed about cuz i don't really wanna watch ugh, but hopefully i sleep well tonight.

i def have been feeling emotional and that's prob b/c my period is coming but also....i think there's just been a lot going on for me internally and emotionally as well. i also am glad things are 'better' but this delta variant doesn't loook good and ofc it's scary with dad's condition....inshAllah things stay under control this time....

i saw A, it’s the first time i’ve seen her this year actually. we had a heart to heart towards the end of 2020, last thing i wrote about on here, and then like a month ish later we FT, and now, another month later, we finally hung out. things are still diff but today was god :-) i honestly have missed her and yeah it was just nice feeling like we were kind of back to normal. i got home and played with waffles and kinda chilled and then finished season 1 of pen15 and omfg that show is so fucking good. like hilarious but also complex and so real too. then i worked on an app thing for 2-3 hours. Oh, ive been really good about praying but i only prayed 1x today partly cuz i was outta the house for half the day but even when i was at home i was kind of busy doing stuff...but yeah i need to step it up/ keep it up cuz i actually have been good with praying recently. 

 the last time i wrote on here i said “the last two weeks were a blur,” and i basically have the same thing to say now...smh. i have therapy this week and yeah i don’t have a ton of progress to report to her...but as of right now im feeling optimistic that maybe dec -- the final month of this shitty terrible fucking year-- might actually be good to me.  ive been praying a lot more consistently and im really trying to muster up some optimism and manifest some good vibes and productive outcomes lollol. 

i think i’ve really been in a depression funk...which like i acknowleged that months ago, yet it is still hard for me to admit cuz sometimes, “i dont think it’s that bad,” but also it is, lol, so i need to stop being so hard on myself and let go of all the guilty and just bad energy that--i admit--ive partially created for myself. i need to be a bit more disciplined and just remind myself i can do this, ive dont it time and time before and i can and will get it done.....inshAllah....

so, afterwards i kinda chilled and was gonna write but i ended up not doing much cuz i felt soo sleepy lol. i slept ok last night but def couldve used some more sleep. then i went to go get a covid test and came home and finished the last episode of this netflix docuseries i was watching and then i managed to write a few pages which was good. i was on such a roll man and then the election fuccked up my writing schedule again uggh. i was one of those people who got way into the news and everything for a few days so i wasnt sleeping much and then afterwards even after biden won, i wasnt feeling well and of course a few days later i got my period. im on the tail  end of it now and am finally feeling a little better but i do feel a little sick and fatigued. i dont think i have covid tho but i did see tey and asia and wanted to be on the safe side so got a test. 

but yeah, the last two weeks have been a blur of the election b.s and then me not feeling well and yeah....before that i was seeing ppl a little bit more and then kinda stopped but think next week im gonna see jannat and sonnan is back in town so we’re planning to hang and then im ft with micaella and breanna and hana probably which will be nice. i miss my la friends :( but anyways covid is getting bad again, so even tho ive basically barely been seeing people anyways cuz of dad, i was hanging out a little more and probably need to roll that back again...so glad the vaccine is at least coming out soon-ish. we have relatives with ccovid now so it’s crazy...

i saw a yday and it was weird! im ngl im mad at her lol. i dont think she has been a good friend lately and ive been struggling so it sucks. but i also do understand that she’s busy too... but it’s her bday today and even though we’ve been weird lately i wanted to give her a gift we just saw each other briefly i just went to drop her gift off but i could tell she felt weird, maybe guilty lol and i felt weird too......

I haven’t written on here in a while, but I’ve been doing ok, overall. i think better than i was doing not too long ago but still not great. but therapy has been helping and professor mouton called me out of the blue the other day which was so fucking nice. i miss him so much and just pouring my soul out to him lmao in his office and same with jahmal.....anywaays i didnt even tell him everything that sucks about my life right now lmao (im being dramatic i know i still have a lot to be thankful for  especially right now) but yeah i didnt tell him all the shitty stuff, just some of it, and he was really reassuring and just told me it’s not my time right now but that’s okay and hopefully, inshAllah  it will be soon...and i’ve just been reminding myself of that....cuz i really feel that man, i’ve taken so many Ls recently and it fucking sucks but i think accepting that right now is supposed to be shitty lol and reminding msyelf everything ive been dealing with + a pandemic is a lot.....

Anyways, he picks up and after I say Im checking in, he says something like yeah I’m over it/you. Lol. And then I say are you still in exile? And I’m like “oh, wait, i meant Exeter” lmao it was so dumb but no one ever knew where exeter was when id tell them his hometown so “exile” made sense lmao. and in the background his friends make fun of me for saying exile and say, “ no wonder you’re having writers block right now you can’t even say the right word” lolol even in my dreams I feel guilty for not writing ugh. so then he calls his mom over to make fun of me and at that point in the dream I hang up but then like all dreams there was like a random jump and we were together hanging out with N...,who I haven’t spoken to since I was 18...nostalgic.

Of course, I dream about him here and there, but not a lot tbh. And I know breaking up was the right thing to do and I don’t wanna get back together with him but sometimes I do feel guilty about how I left things and I do wonder how he is and with the crazyness that is 2020 and the personal shit I’ve been dealing with I wonder what he’d say. I guess I have been feeling disconnected from a lot of ppl even my closest friends right now so it makes sense I miss what I had with him...