my apology
tw for racism, rape jokes, biphobia, ableism and nbphobia. i’d like to start off with that i am very sorry for all that i have done, and in this i will explain what i did and why it was wrong. saying sorry a bunch of times will not fix it, and all of this is my fault, and if i didn’t want any of this to happen, i would’ve thought about what i was going to say and don’t hit enter. i am taking full responsibility for all of this. i have harmed so many people and it was very wrong for me to say any of these things. especially the white guilt breakdown. there is no reason for me to message someone and talk about that stuff. i shouldn’t vent, or have someone to talk to about this stuff. i just need to think about what i did was wrong and improve on it. and i have been very rude, for no reason, to people. it’s not like it was a tiny mistake. i should not have made a rape joke in front of a csa survivor. it was plain cruel of me. and it wasn’t like i didn’t know. it is very clear as day that what i said was a rape joke, and i knew that they were a csa survivor. and it is my fault for hitting enter, or even thinking that the “joke” was a good idea. and i made fun of someone with an eating disorder about their weight. also clear as day, i knew about it, and very wrong of me. it shows how offensive and ignorant i am, towards people with eating disorders and csa survivors, making fun of what they go through and what they went through. and it will never be excused. and how i “reclaimed” slurs with very heavy quotation marks. this was probably the worst of all. there is no excuse to say such things to people, even if i can reclaim them, and even if they are my friends. i missed the whole point of reclaiming slurs, and turned it into a joke that made lots of people uncomfortable, especially professionally diagnosed people, as i am only self diagnosed and i shouldn’t be using the r slur in the first place, even if i’m self diagnosed with autism. it is not the same as being professionally diagnosed, even if i share similar behaviors with a professionally diagnosed person, i might not have autism or adhd or whatever i self diagnose myself with in the first place, and i will never be discriminated against for it. thankfully i am not like that now and i realize the point of reclaiming slurs. now for the worst of it. yes, it gets even worse. i have been especially cruel towards poc and it is very funny, taking how i seem like i’m the opposite, reblogging posts about uplifting poc, donating to them or trying to shine light on them. asking, to say the n word, or asking an asian that isn’t japanese if they knew japanese. and making fun of a jewish person’s name, as it was the same name of an attack on titan character. it shows how even more ignorant i am, how i don’t know their name is actually a jewish name. and my apology (if you wanna call it that) was low effort and i really could’ve tried better. and i knew they were vietmanese, not japanese. i act as if i am not white, as if i’m better than other white people even though it’s been laid out that i will forever be white and nothing will separate me from my race. i act like i’m cool around poc, trying to seem woke by pointing out racism and other things like i’m trying to get their attention and approval, like i’m trying to distance myself from being white. this will never make me cool, racism isn’t something that i should use to get attention. and asking for a black person say the n word will forever be wrong, no matter how long ago it will ever be. even if this callout becomes a year or two old, i believe that one should stand out most of all, no matter how much i grow. this will never be excusable and i am very sorry for even thinking that was okay to even ask. but sorry will do nothing in this situation. i have deeply hurt people in more than one way, and i would say that this was the worst of it. i have no idea what it even feels like to be called a racial slur, let alone the n word. the weight it holds is beyond me, and it is horrendous that i would even think about typing that. and the talking about very sexual things and posting sexual images in front of minors. this is obviously very uncomfortable to look through and i understand why people would be uncomfortable with it, and i am not like this anymore. it is also disgusting of me to even post those pictures when they look particularly underage, and i changed this behavior quick, but that does not matter when i was told the first time and continued to do it after. and i have been very rude towards other members of the lgbt community. i have made very ill mannered jokes about hating bi people, disrespected a nonbinary character by using he pronouns and made a bad joke about mitski saying "lesbian rights" when she's bi. it was stupid of me to invalidate these people's feelings about their representation and just the person in general. in conclusion i am very sorry for all of the people i have hurt, but a simple sorry will do nothing. i was conscious for all of this and i could’ve easily just brush the thought off or not send it in the first place. i must move on from all of this, learn why this hurt people and learn to never do it again. this apology is just to show that i acknowledge what i’ve done is wrong. this apology will not fix anything, it will not make everything suddenly good. and the post is to warn people about me, because of what i've done and they don't want me to hurt other people. take what you will with this apology.
