god of construction sites

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i should have written this on day one but i am writing after like 15th day

i am i don't want to tell my name

my pronouns are he /him

i am 19

i am student and i am preparing for the engineering college entrance exams .

It feels really corny to write this.

Today i think i am getting over lotus . I am really grateful to her for whatever happiness she has made me feel. She has impacted what kind of person i have become now. I don't wish that something different should have happened. I am grateful for it. You aren't the same as you were before. I love every flaw of yours. The way you smile. That sound. Your eyes. I never even wanted to be boyfriend, i wouldn't really like seeing you with another guy. I just wanted to be like your best friend. I wanted to go running together with you, I love running. People about fantasize about walking while holding hands. I wanted to feel a day of suffering or tragedy with you. It just feels so corny to write this but anyways. I often feel that i think so highly of and there is nothing that much in you. But love is often illogical. I am also a really boring person. I don't use insta, i don't even have a taste in clothes. At clothstore when they show multiple shirts, i can't even tell the difference in them beside color i just pick anyone randomly. I can't ride a bike. I not really good at any sports like cricket or football. I can play chess a little. I don't even much of communication skills. I can't even flirt. Giving a compliment feel to corny to me. Infact you are the only girl i have ever told that you look pretty, my heart was about to just explode at that time. I started to respect women and their space so much because of you. And i have become thinner just because of you. You were my motivation to work on my acne. And now they're gone and you too. And am just really thankful for alll of it. And yeah you kept asking me if i like you. I wish i could tell you that but this is fine too. Yeah you are the girl that i like. I haven't moved on completely for now. I'll probably move on within 4-5 months. Hopefully.

Today i called lotus. I know i should have unfriended a long ago( a girl on tumblr told me to , and she is right) . I should have listened to her when i had chance. But i just fell back into that loop. I think i am just way too attention hungry. I just like it when lotus flirts with me a little. And i regret ever talking to her . She is dumb. She is going to some bad college she'll either get a 3-4 lpa job or else she'll be unemployed . And she'll probably think that i wont even think about her at all and just find someone else ( if she ever does thinks about me ) . I used to be a lot closer to her back in December. when i told her to not to reach out to me till the exams are over. Now she just seems so detached . infact she is closer to a guy she met at exam centre exchanged their insta id's and numbers than me. I don't want to so desperate to be seen by her but i am. I hate myself for it. I feel pathetic. I won't ever talk to any girl ever. I just want her erased from my life.

And also she's too different from me. She is more like those hollow insta people. I don't even like the topics she talks about. She is short.

I'll just try hard so that i can do mtech in some good foreign universities. Yeah her and i were never meant to be together. Difference in her and my life now is astronomical.

And the difference will just keep growing stronger. I feel sad. And needy.

Thanks if you read this.

These days i just don't do anything. Nothing at all. I think all my hobbies and interests just become something to escape from the studies. I don't even enjoy watching movies , anime anything. I am waiting for my college to start so that i can again like and value my hobbies.

Practicing eyes.

Found out that i also need to do a lot of work on lighting n' stuff.

All of my exams are over now. It's so much boring. Cet answer came out yesterday and there is a good chance that i might end up. In coep or vjti's entc branch. Entc is like a kid of cs and electrical. But it more like electrical. It is also considered a really difficult branch.

Lotus ( my crush) is pretty sad rn. She hasn't got a great score ( which i don't know) .she asked for my score and didn't tell her's . I just wish she at least ends up in some good college of pune. I wanna make her feel better. But really a lot of people wouldn't wanna share their failures with someone like me ( because my marks are good) . I do want to become a shoulder for her. But i just can't.

If you are reading this can you suggest something to me about it.

But she was just distracted the whole year. She wasted her time on meaningless things. What am i even so supposed to say to make her feel better.

I'm finally free guys. But it feels like I'm in love with that cage now. I don't know. It wasn't about the study. I was actually the pressure. And just having something to wake up to. Something to think about everyday. I may look like failure to many. But believe the background i come from. doing this isn't something really unbelievable. But it's great.

In that photo i uploaded lotus(my crush, but it's complicated ) was sitting just beside me. She is so beautiful. I've had a crush on her since i was in 10th . And now i feel i wouldn't really have chosen her now. But i can't simply unlove her . Sitting beside her felt good. But the thing is she wouldn't have felt just as special or valued it as much as i did. It's fine. but She told me to sit on the seat behind her because she might puke on me. That was just some reason to make me go. I actually got angry but there isn't any point in that if someone doesn't care enough. I would have never travelled with her i knew she didn't want me to. I often compare myself with her fans ( the boys who approach her) but if I compare myself to her i am overall better in many aspects. I'm just a kid. I like her because i like her.

1)start solving thermodynamics.

2)org chem cet pyq's

3)test

4)start calculus.

I think, i just think maybe i can get coep or vjti from mht cet. They are actually good colleges of Maharashtra. Actually the best you can get from mht cet, but they can't really compete with nit's. It's fine.

Called lotus a few days. And told her about how two gay/bisexual men try to you know asked me for s*x. One of them was in his 70's or 80's . He said he is available to f*ck. I don't know mann it's so weird. He is actually around the same age as my grandfather. And i was 15 when he asked me that. No matter where i was heading , i just used to run home at the sight of him. Thankfully his gonna de*d in a few months . "Thankfully" 😅😅 i don't think i should say this but that's just how i feel.

Sorry for replying so late.

I just couldn't think of what to write.

Am I okay??? - >> Probably.

I mean i don't know. There are a lot of things that happened that i don't like. A lot of things that i am stressed about. A lot of things i am excited for and scared of.

But i am okay. Not great but okay is enough for now.

Happy Maharashtra day!!!

Todays goals

1) mht cet pyq's

2) physics galaxy electrostats.

3) chemistry ionic equilibrium.

4) oc revision.

I want to stop sleeping in the afternoon. I was just wondering what I am gonna do after may 18th. I don't really like insta. I guess I'll just do some anime. I'll see the micheal movie. If it's available at the time.

Lotus said she wants to hear my complaints when i said i don't want to complain about some stuff that she did. Oh god. Why did she do that to me. Why does keep stabbing me in my heart if she doesn't like me. I thought I've moved on from her. But i am not really there. Oh god it hurts and scares me.

It is actually the last part of my name.

Today's goals are :

1)Try mht cet pyq's.

2) revise calculus.

3) revise ionic equilibrium.

4) try to complete cengage p n 'c .

Too much heat here .

I had a call with lotus yesterday. I know i shouldn't talk to her now. But i don't know. I just somehow.i don't know what got into my mind. I just called her. I don't know. She's. I don't know. I hate myself. I am such a loser. Why can't i move on from her. It's not like she's my girlfriend or anything. I never complain to her about anything. I don't feel the authority to complain. You only complain to people who actually care right? . I just need some distraction. But liking someone just because i wanna move on from lotus would be unfair to her.

Thanks.

I thought my blogs were just boring. I mean i myself don't find most of the blogs interesting. Yes there are a few.

Thanks though.

I think this one is cool too.

Today my day is kinda bad as there was no electricity for most of the day in an Indian summer. There wasn't much charging on my phone . And mostly i just didn't feel like studying. But for the rest of today. I am planning to :

1) complete kinematics physics galaxy.

2) complete 2 exercises of nlm

3) complete remaining questions of thoery of equation.

No chemistry for today.

I feel writing this blog makes me more accountable because it'll be embarrassing to fail everyday and write it. I'll try my best in whatever time i am left with.

I also heard about the kota suicide thing. I think life is just too much left. Many people change careers in Their late twenties, thirties and even forties. Just stop thinking one exam is your entire life. These coachings and insta gram and just comparing yourself to others just stop it and be kind to yourself.

When u get this, list 5 songs u like to listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers!

Heyy !!

The 5 songs that i often listen to now are

1) r u mine - Arctic monkey's

2) lady - kenshi yonezu

3) Tokyo flash - vaundy

4) i can't wait to get there - the weeknd

5) let it happen - tame Impala

6) feel good inc. - gorillaz.

I don't really text many of my follower's. So i won't ask 10 of my followers this.

I like some hindi songs too. But they just touch part of me that i don't really want to explore. So i don't listen to them.

Thanks btw.

And how did you know my name.??? Like how????

Today i had a call with lotus . I actually talked with her 2 months later. Turns out she has started talking to some Martial arts guy who she met at exam centre. She says she's just friends with him. She doesn't think he's into her. But then why would he he ask for her insta. I don't know is she that dumb of a lady. I don't think i can compete that that karate kid. I have now totally given up. There's now way. She told that he was doing that karate or whatever at national level and yeah. It won't be long before they'll dating each other.