Good Mourning.

And I found an ex of mine's tumblr. We had 'dated' in 2017 but we go way back from when I was 14-15. Actually tbh, the last peraon I had sex with. It was a wreckless time of my life. She had cheated on me mere hours before we fucked, raw. I can't say it really affected me emotionally because at the time I didn't really take her serious anyway - i wasn't inlove or attached at all.

But I was pissed? And she told me after as if it would make it okay. And I get that from her perspective, thats probably how she was taught by the fucked up relationships before that. But still, raw. I didn't sign up for a train Fucking gross. Anyway,

So I'm go through her tumblr from 2013ish and that she was raw, emotionally. She was going insane, actually wanting to S too. All because of love. And I just understood.. like..trying and trying to love and be loved..going insane because the map in your hands keep changing direction and you dont know up from left and right from down.

And I understood and realized we're all just fucked up people with the same core need. to be loved.

So, I message her:

"Hey, I hope you're doing well.

I want to be honest in that..I was upset for a long time about what happened between us. And I've been in a really low place, reflecting on myself, relationships, and connection.

And today, I was thinking about you. And how...I realize I didn't really try to get to know you. Maybe you never thought about it or it's not that serious as I'm thinking about it but, I'm sorry.

I realizd everyone has their own battles within theirselves that not everyone sees. Or we all move differently from things that shape us.

So, even if from my perspective, it was messed up? I do forgive you. And I would like to be friends again."

And surprisingly, it went well. She apologized too and accepted friendship, etc.

And 4 days ago on Thursday around 3, she calls me sounding very sad and asks me if I can come to her and hold her..

Of course I accept because, I REALLY need to be held too..

And I show up. But, she didnt answer the phone. and I leave.

Apparanty she was just wasted af. Fuck me. I thought someone cared.

And then Friday, I finally show up to work and I havent got anything at all done the past three weeks.

A customer shows up pissed and I have to clean up a mess I didn't create. Me absorbing everyone else's shit. Once again.

I smoothed it over as best as I could. I mean...she had a point but I actually didnt have any control over the core issue so...what could I really do but take the heat. And she leaves.

And I go straight to my work station, I lie down, and I just....sob. I cried.

I'm truly alone. And..people who I thought that "I don't have to be alone anymore" with?

It's always one-sided. They don't have to be alone anymore.

It's like I'm the guy that..when all their options are exhausted and they're feeling alone, they call me, get validation that atleast I'm still here and don't hate them. And like clockwork, almost immediately - they switch up and feel so much better to the point where when I open up, myself? I'm immediately dismissed. "Good luck with that!" "Damn, I hope it gets better. I gotta go, though"

It feels like I'm consistently being taken advantage of and used so they can feel better abour theirselves.

It's a very real pattern I'm noticing. With the last three people in my life. One after the other. Like - the same spirit in a different body.

You're someone whose primary way of regulating fear is by cutting off contact. You can cut me out if you want.

But tell me. Don't pack a bindle and leave in the middle of the night.

"Don't make me regret unblocking you", you said.

I said "Please, don't joke like that I'll throw up. I'm going to try to go to work in a bit and I'll return around 6"

You replied with "I wasn't joking. I hate that "ok" shit. But alright, good luck"

?? I wasn't joking either.

And two days later, everything seemed safe. I asked if I could say something. You said "yes" and an hour later while I was thinking - you followed up with "you gonna say it or nah"

I fell asleep. And I had been blocked again.

It's like..don't punish me for…crying?? haha.

Damn. If I didn't actually love you, I would not find this adorable at all. But, I do find it adorable<3 (non condenscending) You areee fucked up. in an adorable way.. In the way that, You're basically saying to me "I feel bad for hurting you but I'm the one who is supposed to get hurt and I hurt myself so, I'm taking it out on you, you piece if shit!" haha. You don't know what to do.

You're not the victim for once mwahahah :D

Just cause you're the 'bad guy' at the moment doesn't mean you're ultimately a bad person. Goober.

I've got you figured out. You cant stand it. :)

And I still think about how when you were like "im not going to walk on eggshells" but the eggshells were yours haha. Projecting head-ass.

I could sit in a lawn chair and watch you try to come towards me from across the yard. And you're like, placing booby-traps everywhere to protect yourself but you keep stepping on them and blaming everything else for it haha.

BOOM "You son of a bitch! I knew something bad would happen! You're going to get it!"