udon blogs about her life and mental state again:
i've realized this for a while now, and though i do have friends, i don't have a core group of friends anymore that i can go to and call home, which makes me feel a little lonely from time to time, especially when i end up isolating myself again. No community to participate in too, I guess. I've been trying to find one for the longest time now, but no luck. Doesn't help that I'm not into anything specific anymore, so I can't join in on any fandom related groups either;;;
And even when I get invited to friends' discord servers, i find it hard for me to join in cause the groups are all already established. Sure they're super welcoming, but I always end up feeling distant.... I mean, could be a me problem, whether I myself am putting up the walls myself or just my dumbass awkward self can't integrate well with already established groups;;;;; I often think back to all the little close friend groups I've had previously and I dearly miss those days... Maybe these walls I've built up is a result of all those close friend groups eventually dispersing and I always end up being a floater, finding a new group again only for it to die, and becoming a floater again, rinse and repeat. And of course, my whole existential crisis about if I'm even a good friend or not the past 6 years lmao. This whole loneliness feeling kinda exacerbates that thought too, ngl.
i definitely feel this sense of "loneliness/alone-ness" more so this year, as I'm doing my own thing a lot more. I want to say I'm lonely, but at the same time I don't mind being by myself you know? Esp this past year. I've come to really enjoy doing things by myself and at my own pace, and I've come to enjoy solitude a lot. Though I guess being in solitude for too long isn't good for anyone clearly, if I still feels spurts of loneliness. I think in short I just miss being a part of a group/community or something, and having somewhere where I feel like I belong, you know?
But nothing brings me joy anymore, I can barely feel passionate about anything anymore, so i can't find people to share passions with when i'm not passionate about anything u know
And then there's my art career (?), and me not knowing what to do with it. My art doesn't get traction anymore and the twitter algo hates my absolute guts and no one sees my art anymore LOOL my stuff just gets sent to the void!!!! It's kind of really sad, but oh well. I've been dealing with severe art burnout as well, and I haven't even recovered from that cause I've been powering through it for convention prep;;;; There are so many things I want to draw, but I can't bring myself to draw at all and when I see all my artist friends/artist peers drawing so passionately on twitter, i just get so depresst cause it makes me feel like i'm a fake artist LMAO Like, I do NOT want to draw if I'm not working on a project or something. I mean, but tbf, even though I liked drawing, I've come to realize that I only drew because it allowed me to bring to life and visualize the ideas and characters in my mind. That's what I enjoyed most when I think about why I drew all these years. Especially back on deviantart days. I'm hoping after con prep I can maybe draw more personal/original stuff and hopefully that'll help??? Idk man, I'll see.... And ofc due to this art burnout, I want to retire from tabling at cons too, but the guaranteed table at Anirevo every year is too attractive to let go.... So until anirevo gets rid of their grandfather/rebooking system, I'm holding onto that as tight as possible LOL. Though I do feel bad for taking up a table spot when someone else could put it to use more properly :') I also told myself I'd like to experiment more with styles and coloring but alas I still haven't the time to try that much;;;; I did kind of earlier in January, but I feel like I just ended up going back to my usual art style cause I need to pump art out for cons;;;;;
and then don't get me started on my romance life cause that's actually non-existent, no matches on dating apps, no one irl cause i dont go out, nothing LMAOO. Only mild interest in certain people and even then i dont think they're interested in me like that. I honestly feel like I'm not desirable at all and that no one will like me and I've been thinking like that for so long that even IF someone were to like me, i would not believe it
Anywho thanks for listening to my TED talk, i love rambling on tumblr dot com
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