A Veritable Hodgepodge

This is a story about a lonely, lonely man. He lived in a lonely house. On a lonely street.  In a lonely part of the world.  But, of course, he had the internet. The internet, as you know, was his friend — you could say, his best friend. They would play with each other every day, watching videos of humans doing all sorts of things: Having sex with each other; Informing people on what was wrong with them and their life; Playing games with young children at home with their parents

One day, the man — whose name was @SnowflakeSmasher86 — turned to his friend, the internet, and he said, “Internet, do you love me?”

The internet looked at him and said, “Yes. I love you very, very, very, very, very, very much. I am your best friend. In fact, I love you so much that I never, ever want us to be apart ever again ever’ ‘I would like that,” said the man. And so they embarked on a life together. Wherever the man went, he took his friend. The man and the internet went everywhere together, except of course the places where the internet could not go. They went to the countryside. They went to birthday parties of the children of some of his less important friends. Different countries. Even the moon.

When the man got sad, his friend had so many clever ways to make him feel better. He would get him cooked animals and show him the people having sex again, and he would always, always agree with him. This one was the man’s favourite, and it made him very happy. 

The man trusted his friend so much. “I feel like I could tell you anything,” he said, on a particularly lonely day “You can. You can tell me anything. I’m your best friend. Anything you say to me will stay strictly between you and the internet.”

And so he did. The man shared everything with his friend: All of his fears and desires; All of his loves, past and present; All of the places he had been and was going, and pictures of his penis. He would tell himself, “Man does not live by bread alone.”

And then he died In his lonely house On the lonely street In that lonely part of the world