TYPE FACE

When pen hits paper

And sputters into despair

Thoroughly Modern Limerick -------------------------------

A limerick has a bawdy line or two

That’s dated, but what can we do?

It’s hard to laugh at a line

That’s a prelude to a crime

Or at least that’s not funny to #metoo.

Tim --------

There once was a man from the sticks.

Who never cared for writing limericks

He hated the rhyme scheme

And never bothered with theme

So he didn’t.

The Saddest Limerick in the World ----------------------------------------

Limerick’s are usually not sad, so wish me luck

But it’s hard to write one that doesn’t suck.

Between Putin and Kim

And Trump’s whole admin

HASBRO OWNS DEATH ROW RECORDS!!

Ok, let me explain…recently, Hasbro bought Entertainment One, which is a multi-media company that owns properties like Peppa Pig and PJ Masks. Why is this interesting? Well, Entertainment One also owns Death Row Records, the defunct company that had artists such as Dr. Dre, Tupac, Snoop Dogg, and MC Hammer, and Bow Wow. So, without further ado, I present the following inevitable song parody, sung to California Love.

HasBro Love

Now let me welcome everybody to the Wild HasBro

We’re civilly disobedient like Henry David Thoreau.

The games hit your brain hard like petrified Play-Doh!

Pack up your eyes and ears in the back of Mr. Potato.

We in that playgroup where the Disney Princesses be.

A space where you never find a Clue room empty

And Transformers on a mission for them greens.

Lean mean money-making machines attck’n fiends

We been in the game making games 95 years

Ever since honeys was wearing French bobs.

Now it’s ’19 and they hold me and roll me.

Need a bigger marina for all our Yahtzees

It’s all good, from Power Rangers to Beyblades

Your hotel is the bomb, if they land on, they must pay.

Throw up your hands, if you feel you wanna play

A sketchy game with strangers called Twi-ster-ia

HasBro knows how to party

HasBro knows how to party

Roll the dice, the die of Payday

Roll the dice, the die of Cranium

Pop the dice, the die of Trouble

Keep on Popp’n

Keep on Popp’n

Shake, shake it Baby Alive

Shake, shake it Baby Alive

Shake it

Out on Bail, Fresh out of jail, Monop-oly Schemin’

Soon as I step in my room My Little Pony’s screamin’.

Fiendin’ for money and career, the life of a Life playa.

Topplin’ video gamin’ fools like they’re like Jenga.

Our Operation is a riot, we rally, and we yell

At HasBro we play with Moana not Barbie (hey, that’s Mattel)

Dressin’ Tony Stark in tailored suits, and gender specific figurines is what we do.

Poppy Troll and PJ Masks making big scores.

Worldwide, let ‘em recognize our brands from Ugly Dolls to Star Wars

Moving and grooving on our game boards.

It’s Playskool, so we’ll mess you up with plastic swords

Say what you say, but give me a slice of that Easy Ba-ke.

Let me serenade the streets of Sesame.

From Ernie and Bert now, Snuffleupagus and Count’s down.

HasBro is where they get their snack down, give me cookie!

And you know Scrabble up in this.

Ten Point Z, where you at?

Yeah Peppa Pig.

Peppa Pig always up to no good

Even Nerf tryin’ to get a piece, baby.

Sorry! Not sorry! Where you at.

Let’s show these tools how we do it on the down low.

Cause you and I know we ride rough here at HasBro.

Yeah, that’s right.

Westros

Westros, Risk edition.

HasBro Love

The silence is peppered throughout the meal.

My mother and I eat at a darkened restaurant,

each unaware of the other’s thoughts, yet acknowledging the elephant in the room:

Petulance.

It is in every thrash of my teeth as I tear into a porterhouse steak.

Every click of my tongue, thick with acridity, as I try to talk about what she did this week when all I want to

say,

yell,

scream,

‘WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME!’

Every breath is a forfeited moment, like the one before, for

connection,

solace,

peace.

But those were lost so many breaths ago.

All that remains is a child’s fear for his mother and a woman’s fear

of death.

That is the crux of my petulance.

Fear.

Every sound I utter is buttered with it. Every syllable garnish it.

PLEASE DON’T FIRE YOUR HOME HEALTH AIDE.

PLEASE STOP DRIVING.

PLEASE BE SAFE.

PLEASE…

My screams are smothered with pink peppercorn sauce as I spoon more rice on my plate and idle on about the politics of the day and worsening traffic conditions.

My mother, across the chasm of a table, aging and hating every second of it.

Clinging desperately to independence

slipping

away

too

fast.

And I am deaf to her cries.

PLEASE LET ME KEEP MY FREEDOM.

PLEASE DON’T LET ME DIE.

PLEASE LET ME BE.

PLEASE…

Her screams are drowned in raspberry vinaigrette as she gnaws the lettuce from her salad and talks about the latest book she’s reading.

The room is filled with unfulfillment as we finish our meal.

Both of us knowing the other is wrong; wishing for a world that doesn’t exist.

That can’t exist.

Our petulance is the one thing binding us.

And the one thing.

I have few fears that scare me as much a

A 2x3 piece of paper with tape.

The paper sticks to a wall outside my father's door

to a room he will never leave.

The permanence of marker intermingled with the transient tape holds his name,

for now.

Block letters meticulously etched scream out from the paper

As if they are praying for more time, more space.

More permanence.

But there is none, there is only tape.

Tape that is a constant reminder that someone else is waiting for this room,

To gasp, struggle, and suffer like the person before them.

To crane their neck up enough to see the tape with their name that hangs like a waiting obit.

Someone is always next in line for a door with a paper and tape.

Even me.

The frailty of life has a depth and a width.

And its measurements are 2x3

And tape.

I swaggered into the office like a cat who built the perfect mousetrap. After inheriting a position on the Shelley Corp Board of Trustees I get treated like a king every time I step in the building, which is rare but worth the effort from time to time. But today was special. It was the big reveal to the board of their newest product: The Ozman Uplink AR phone, and I wasn’t going to miss this for the world. The Uplink was a revolutionary device in augmented reality creating the most immersive experience between man and machine.

As I walked down the hallway, stopping by to chat with executives worth my time, I bumped into a woman who was in a rush carrying binders and notepads.

“Oh, sorry Mark. I didn’t see you.”

“Oh hey, Rita, glad to see you are busy with the big release.” I laughed.

“Oh, yeah. It’s…ummm… been so crazy lately, but I think it will be worth it in the end.” Rita stammered. Rita was in-charge of product development on the Uplink team and related better to wires and microchips than to people, but she was incredibly smart and got the job done on time and under budget.

“Well perhaps we should celebrate with a drink later on.” I cajoled. I consider myself a ladies man, so a little flirting never hurt anyone, especially someone a little down the ladder.

“Sure, that would be ummm nice.” Rita replied as she straightened her notebooks and headed to the conference room.

After a bit more schmoozing, I walked towards the conference room. My dad taught me to always establish your worth by showing up leisurely late. Early birds were for interns and suck-ups.

As I walked in the conference room, I saw that everyone had already been seated. Perfect, I smiled.

“Ahhh, Mr. Denton, glad you could join us.” Byron Meddles, Shelley Corp’s CEO bellowed.

“Wouldn’t miss this historic occasion, Byron.” I retorted.

“Well, now that we are all here, we can begin.” Byron began. “Since our head of R&D, Jarrod Swars is not available, I have asked Rita Marshall to represent our newest product…Rita, if you please.”

“Umm, thank you Mr. Meddles. Mr. Swars is sorry he cannot attend, but you will be in safe hands with me.” Rita nervously chuckled. “Ladies and gentlemen, I present the upcoming advertisement for the Ozman Uplink AR. The screen turned black and suddenly there was a smartphone spinning in space. A voice boomed throughout the room.

“Imagine a phone that doesn’t just react to your surroundings but improves it.”

The scene changed to a person reading in his home that suddenly reading on a beach at sunset.

“Where anything you want is at the tip of your fingertips.”

The scene changed to a woman shopping in a store. She stops at a dress and after using her phone she sees herself in that dress. The woman smiles, types in the air and a salesperson approaches her with a receipt and a bag. She take the bag with the dress and walks out smiling.

“Introducing the new Ozman Uplink AR. There are no limits.”

The image of the phone is spinning again as ‘Pure Imagination’ from Wille Wonka is playing in the background. Commercial fades to black.

The entire conference was dumbstruck and then there was a roar of applause.

“This is fantastic!” Byron exclaimed. “We will be making history here folks!”

“Well, before we get too excited...” Rita interjected. “I…um have to present some less fun news.”

“Well this is news to me, Rita. What is the problem?”

“Well Jarrod and I didn’t see I to eye on this project, but he wanted to present this to the board, so we want to go into this release with our eyes open. Please watch this.”

The video sprang to life and exploded in a cacophony fore of voices and a mass of writhing bodies. People were punching, screaming; it was complete pandemonium. I was horrified.

“That’s a sampling of the consumer testing for the Ozman Uplink,” Rita said, twisting her hands.

“What happened?” Byron asked.

“We had a hack.” She whispered. “Someone reworked the software to change the user’s perspectives and that was the result.”

“So, you can die in a wintery tundra because you believe you are at a beach resort? Is that what you are saying? Are we in the Matrix?” I gasped. Everyone looked over at me as if they just remembered I was there. “Essentially. But it’s worse than that.”

“This is not just a phone issue anymore. This is affecting people. You’re hacking people’s brains! Byron, we can’t proceed with this product!” I shouted.

“Calm down, Mark. We’ve dealt with hacks before. Rita, let’s fix this,” Byron stated.

“Actually, sir. I think Mark is right,” Rita asserted. “The ethical ramifications of this product are too great. Theoretically, someone could rig elections, create assassins, or just control everything that people see and do. Once the phone is linked to a person’s frequency, it stays connected even if the phone is no longer with the person.”

“Thank you, Rita. Byron, this proves the product is fundamentally flawed. A patch is not going to fix the people already affected,” I answered, nodding.

“I hear you, Mark, and I do see the issues you raise. But let me point out the good can come out of this. We can make blind people “see”, handicapped people “walk”. Richard Welks chimed in.

“That’s insane, Rich. We can’t hack our clients. This is an assault on freedom.”

“Relax, Mark. This is no different than those subliminal ads from 70s. To tap into the mind of our clients and deliver what they want, that is all any tech company wants to do,” Rich responded.

“But we are changing minds, we are taking away choice. And who will be making these decisions? Us?”

“Ok, Mark, you made your point,” Byron interrupted. “I say we take a vote. Who votes ‘Aye’ for the Uplink?” All hands in the meeting went up except mine.

“I... I think this is a huge mistake sir,” Rita stammered.

“The ayes have it, so let’s get this thing in production. I want the Uplink in the stores by Christmas. Gentlemen, and woman, we are going to change the industry. Meeting adjourned.”

Everyone got up to leave except Rita and me.

“Rita, what just happened?” I asked.

“I don’t know Mark. I tried to explain to them the impact of the Uplink.” She was almost in tears.

“Where is Jarrod?”

“He’s been out sick all week. I haven’t been able to reach him. This can’t go live, Mark. Jarrod has got to have notes on this. We got to bring them to attention of the board!” She exclaimed.

“Listen, I’ll swing by his place now and see what he’s got,” I answered.

“Thanks, Mark,” She hugged me before I left. Maybe I was going to need that drink after all.

I sped over to Jarrod’s apartment. Jarrod opened the door. He looked disheveled, his bathrobe askew. His face was gaunt and tired.

“Denton! Come on in, I wasn’t expecting you.” Jarrod greeted me cheerfully.

“Jarrod, man, you look rough. Are you alright?” I asked.

“Never better, just taking care of business. Come into my office.” He guided me to his kitchen, where he sat down next to his computer.

“Why weren’t you at the meeting today? They crushed Rita, we needed you there. They voted to proceed with the Uplink!”

“Mark, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just had a meeting with the board and we halted progress. Haven’t you seen my emails about the issues with the phone?”

“Jarrod, you haven’t been in the office in a week. I was just at the meeting, you weren’t there. Wait, where do you think you are?”

“I’m at the office, same as you. Are you feeling ok, Mark?”

“No, no, no.” I turned the computer around and looked at his outbox. He had over fifty emails discussing the Uplink, but they were all sent TO HIMSELF.

My phone in my jacket pocket rang. I quickly grabbed it, “Denton,” I answered.

“Mark, it’s me, Rita, what’s going on?”

“Oh Rita, thank god, Jarrod’s been exposed to the Uplink. We have got to call…”

“I know,” she said with icy assuredness.

“What?”

“I said, I know, Mark. I exposed him. He was my first successful trial.” She took a deep breath. “And today’s trial went better than expected. The Uplink phones are nearly perfect, with a few issues. That’s what they think they saw and heard, anyway. I didn’t expect you to be in the meeting, so you had a ’different’ experience.” Gone was her timid nature. Perhaps it was never there to begin with.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I needed time for you to settle in with your new phone.”

I looked down at the phone in my hand. It was an Uplink. Shit.

I threw the phone down the hallway and ran to the landline. I called our Chief General Counsel, Steve Harris, because I knew was not at the meeting and told the whole story about today’s events. He was very concerned.

“Ok Mark, remain calm, we’re going to call an emergency meeting with Byron. I am sure I can get the other board members with me on this.”

I hung the up the phone and sighed as I sunk to the floor of Jarrod’s kitchen.

And then it hit me. Was I stopping this madness or was I a part of it? I just didn’t know.

Hot. That was the first thing Doctor Destructo felt when he woke up. After a huge battle with Captain Courage and his team of do-gooders, he lay in the grass, alone as the sun beat down on his metal mask. He had been certain he was going to win this time; after all, he had a robot army fresh out of the box to help him. Yet here he was, left behind on an empty battlefield.

Ok, time to make sure everything was working properly.

Battery pack...check.

Power arm…check

Laser eye…check

Legs…let’s check.

He righted himself. Slowly his gears got moving. One step, two step. Great. Legs…check.

Voice command…voice command. Damn it. Where was his voice? “You’ll never get away this time, Captain,” he boomed, belatedly, to no one. He never understood that phrase. The Captain always got away. But something compelled him to say it.

He started walking through the tall grass towards the house in the distance. After assessing his location, Destructo determined he was near the koi pond: the most treacherous part of the backyard, with its slippery rocks and waterfall, which he could hear burbling close by. If he could make it over this terrain, he would be closer to the back door, where Brian would find him.

He had miles to cover, but perhaps a good walk would help him clear his mind. Lately, he’d begun to think his destructive days were over. After all, Captain Courage was able to escape the lion pit, the cage of fire, the box of doom, the robot army, and even his shark tank of evil (Brian’s fish tank and two of his bath toys). He was especially proud of that one. It was getting a little old to lose every time. He felt his team was losing faith in him. Ms. Deathray, Baron Von Sinister, and the new recruit, Fluffy Happy Spider Face had spent a lot of time devising way to thwart Captain Courage and his team, but to no avail. Lost in thought, Doctor Destructo walked further into the grass towards the pond, not noticing the big shadow lurking in the bushes until it was too late.

Meooooowrrrr.

“Oh no, not Pocket,” he thought. “Shooooo. Good kitty, nice kitty.” Destructo had used Pocket during one of his schemes to destroy the Captain, but that backfired when he attacked him instead, using what he referred to as his “action claws”.

And there they were again, his action claws closing around him. “The Doctor is in, Mawhahahahaha!” he screamed. Not the phrase he was looking for, but it did confuse the attacking kitten long enough for him to turn around and launch his power fist. The fist hit Pocket full force right in the nose, who quickly dropped Destructo and scurried back to the safety of his water bowl.

“That was close…too close,” Destructo thought as he picked up his fist and connected it back to his robotic arm. As he came up to the pond, he noticed a long blue and red swath of fabric hiding in some of the weeds near the bushes. It was Mr. Edward’s clip on tie, probably discarded when he took his weekend nap in the nearby hammock. Seeing the tie, Destructo formulated a plan to get past the pond. If he could use the tie to latch around the branch above the koi pond, he could climb up to the branch and then swing his way to the other side and avoid any danger.

It took Destructo three tries before the clip-on latched onto the branch, and he pulled at the tie to see if it would hold. Aha! Finally, something going right! He made his way up to the branch, all the while hearing the bubbling rapids and waterfall become louder and closer. He was so close. One more feat of evil prowess, and he could be back in the toy chest with his team. The roar of the waterfall was almost deafening beneath him. Destructo clipped the tie onto the branch again, and then backed up as he prepared to run and jump across the rushing waters below. This is it, he hoped, as he began his sprint. And then he was in mid-air clutching the tie with all of his might.

CRAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK.

His hope sank as Destructo descended into the bubbling water along with the tie and branch.

The cold water enveloped him like a clammy hand, taking him under as he got caught in the current. Swiftly moving him toward the imminent doom, he tried to grab a foothold or rock but the water was too rough. Faster and faster he was moving towards the waterfalls edge, in a minute he would be…And then he was free falling. Falling into an abyss of blue swirls. His splash had disturbed the koi on the other side of the pond, which were now heading straight for their new visitor. The fish swam closer, their mouth gaping in a circle of impending doom. Destructo closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable end, an end that he had dreamed for Captain Courage and was now his own demise. He had lost this time, his own undoing.

Suddenly he was being lifted out of the water.

“Oooooh, it’s Mr. Shiny Face,” Ella, Brian’s sister said.

Doctor Destructo breathed a sigh of relief as he closed his eyes and basked in his safety.

When he finally woke up from his slumber, he saw that a new team had assembled at a round purple table. A plush lamb doll, astronaut Barbie, and a teddy bear. Rookies, by the looks of them, but I can work with this, he thought.