hiraya

Sa bawat paghabol ng aking hininga, mahabol lamang ang iyong yapak.

Umaasa ako na lilingon ka.

Hinahanap ko ang pagtitig ng mga mata sa aking gawi.

Humihiling na makita ang buo mong pagkatao.

Sadyang nagsasawa na maging anino sa likod.

Habang nakaharap ka sa paglubog ng araw, hinihintay ko na iyong lingunin ang pagsikat ng buwan.

Susuklian pa ba ang pag-ibig na binigay nang hindi pasabi?

May katiting ka ba nararamdaman na maibibigay?

Kahihintay ko sa’yo, unti-unting na akong nauubos.

Kinakain ng bawat kilos, salita, at nararamdaman para sa’yo.

Hindi na nagugutom sa kabusugan mula sa pag-asang mula sa aking imahinasyon.

Namamalayan ba ang dahan-dahang pag-iba ng ihip ng hangin?

Pansinin ang hangin na umiihip paharap sa’yo.

Lumipad patalikod ang bagay na hinahanap mo na at siyang makuha ko.

Baka sakaling makita mo na ako.

Ah.

Isang karera nga pala na ako lamang ang tumatakbo.

Humahabol sa premyo.

Premyong ako ang iyong ninanais at minamahal.

Matitiis ko bang habulin ang dulo ng linya?

Mananalo na ba ako sa laban ng puso mo?

O patuloy ko lamang sinasayang ang oras ko?

Naka-angat na ang buwan, ngunit iyo pa ring tinitignan ang natitirang siklap ng araw.

Ika’y matutulog nang hinihintay ang pagbalik ng sinag,

As the dark calls back to watch over the sky, the tiny golden shine from the sky pierces through the clouds. Faintly lighting up the two lovers sitting near the window in the coffee shop they loved going.

Lovers.

They were together for years. Meeting for the first time in an elective class they had back in freshman year of college. Strangers who were forced to sit beside each other. No one wanted to talk but it seemed fate had a different story.

The bookstore— where they ignited the fire. Bumped into one another causing one to trip and the other to drop all the things he was holding. Their eyes looked at one another, both filled with annoyance. It wasn’t helping that their class was starting in 30 minutes. They had to see each other once again.

She stood up, shaking off the dust from the floor while he picked up his things from the floor. He fixed his glasses and through his peripheral, he noticed her staring at him. She was waiting for him to apologize for bumping to her— physically and emotionally.

Despite her annoyance, she remembered the first time she saw him in class. No one could deny that he looked good. What were the chances he was forced to sit beside her for the rest of the semester. In her mind, she was plotting to approach him but her body says otherwise. She couldn’t mutter a single word to him. Feeling defeated, she thought for herself that maybe he’s not the one.

It’s been days since she disregarded that she had a crush on him, but what are the odds that she’ll bump into him. She’s actually annoyed that she tripped and he didn’t even ask her if she was fine. It didn’t matter who was at fault, it was the courtesy of asking.

She stared at him waiting, but she was taken back when he looked confused on why she was waiting. He stood up with his stuff on his hands, staring down back at her. It seemed both were not putting down their prides.

“Sorry… Are you okay?” He broke the silence first, out of his comfort. He fixed his glasses and lightly scratched the tip of his nose. A small tint of red showing up on his ears.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” She replied.

It was awkward. There was pure silence while they were standing, facing each other. Only the faint sound of the cashier from a far could be heard. She was silently playing with her necklace as she didn’t know what to say anymore.

“Well.. uhm. I have to go. I’ll see you later?” She quickly said and turned around. She was fighting herself in her mind with how she said it like a question. But it didn’t matter because it wasn’t a big of a deal anyway.

The guy looked at her figure as it slowly turned more faint and smaller as she walked away. His lips slowly turned into a smile. It was funny to him on how she reacted. She was exactly like he thought she would be. He felt excited on how things will turn out after their encounter. There’s no denial of each other’s presence as they both acknowledged knowing each other as acquaintances. Starting now, maybe he could start doing something.

He was the first one to break the barrier they had in their room. He started to talk to her in class ever since. Whether it was about the lecture or her life. At the start, she felt awkward because they only talked that one time they bumped at the bookstore, but it wasn’t bad to talk about something else.

Their conversations started to expand from lecture to each other. They found a lot of stuff they loved in common— studying, books, music. And the difference of opinions they had about life and love. Or maybe not.

Love?

It was both different and same for the two. They both knew that love wasn’t their goal, it was career. They wanted to build their names first before love. Love could always be something that could follow after.

Risky. It was risky.

For months on, they started to enjoy each other’s company. Despite the semester being over, they still met with each other. Studying for their own classes on the same table. Sharing the same snacks, time, and feelings.

They both knew they were catching feelings for each other. But they refused to accept it. They were focused on a different goal. Maybe, if one of them risked it first, then maybe it will work out.

It was the second semester of their second year when he risked it first. They were walking beside each other near the stone-cold river. The time was already 1 am and they just finished studying for their midterms. She wanted to have a peace of mind after studying for 7 hours straight.

He kept on glancing at her, finding the right time to talk to her. He didn’t want to ruin her peace. They both have been stressing for their classes but between each other, he was more laidback. When she smiled after seeing the snow slowly falling down, he knew it was that time.

He stopped on his tracks and softly touched her to face him, startling her with his actions. He fixed the scarf that was giving her warmth. Slowly wrapping it around her and her hair to protect her from the snow.

“I love you.”

Her heart was beating so fast that if anyone tried to hug her, they could listen to it. She never imagined that he would risk it saying those words. She was waiting for it but was scared. But she there’s nothing to be scared of any more of. They both knew what each other wanted and felt.

She didn’t wait for anything else. She slowly pulled him and kissed him softly. Under the falling snow, their hearts finally melt into one and risked what they were fearing.

For years, they were together. After graduating, they both went to graduate school. He went to pursue medicine, while she pursued law. Despite being together, they were focused on what they wanted. Until now, they still wanted to make their names.

As time passes, they both knew that they couldn’t make time for one another. Their relationship wasn’t always the priority. They tried to work it out but it’s not working anymore. Both were understanding with what they wanted.

Summer of their senior year in graduate school was when they decided to not risk it anymore. They both knew they didn’t have the time for each other anymore. Stuff was piling up and they have to focus on that before anything else.

She was crying in his arms. She knew that it was the right thing to do, but she couldn’t accept it. Both of them couldn’t accept the truth that they can’t do it anymore. The risk they did years back was falling apart.

“I’m so sorry.”

She could feel all her pain as all of her energy went away. It hurt her so much.

“I love you so much… maybe when it’s finally our time to love each other freely. With nothing to worry about. Come back to me.”

Those were her last words to him. He respected her wishes and promised that he will.

When both of them finally become the people they wanted. When time finally grants them the freedom they needed.

I will come back.

It’s been 7 years since they said those words to one another. They both found another sitting near the window at the coffee shop they loved going to.

“How’s it been going?, attorney.” He sipped on his drink while waiting for her response. He couldn’t deny that she looked beautiful than ever.

She smiled. She couldn’t hide her happiness from seeing him once again. Despite the years of being separated, her heart only called for him. Waiting for him to come back.

This love came back to me.

That was all she could think of.

“Sai, please talk to me.”

We were outside fighting under the raging storm. I could feel his hands trying to wrap around my arm and it’s aggravating to still feel the spark we once had.

It was clear to me that it was a mere delusion on my side to think he had reciprocated feelings. I was nothing to him but only a companion… despite all the things we’ve done.

“Sai, ano ba ‘yung problema?”

He caught my arms and faced my body towards him. We’ve already been drenched by the rain after he kept on following me. His wet hair softly blocked his eyes full of confusion. I might have knew him deeper for a short time but I could see right through him.

“Bitawan mo ‘ko.” Please.

I’m already in so much pain that I don’t know what stupid thing I would do if he still didn’t let go of me. My thoughts were being blocked by clouds. Hindi ko alam anong gagawin ko.

“Talk to me, please. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what’s our problem.” He softly said, letting me out of his hold. I could felt his hesitation but I shouldn’t overthink that.

“Let’s stop this. Hindi ko na kaya ituloy.”

My lips were trembling and I could feel my tears building up. I should have not agreed to the stupid deal we did. This whole “fake-dating” thing.

I saw his expression change. It looked like he was hurt about it. Sabagay, this whole “dating” act was a bullshit thing to do and I’m the stupid one for accepting the deal… just because I liked him.

“No.”

That reply pierced my heart. It felt like I’m going to go through more pain and heartbreak.

“Bakit? Hindi ba sabi natin pag-ayaw na, we can call off the deal?”

I had to show him I was determined with my answer. I tried my best to hold my tears to show him how I didn’t want to continue this plan anymore.

“Hindi… hindi ko kaya.” His voice was shaking, making it sound like a whisper. But l couldn’t take anymore of this shitty feelings.

“I’m sorry, Theo.” I couldn’t bear to listen one more word from him. It didn’t matter to me anymore whether he wants to continue or not. I wanted to save myself from my stupidity after years of liking him.

He grabbed my wrist to stop me. I wasn’t looking at him while I was trying to free myself from his hold, but it was to my surprise when I saw him kneel in front of me. His grip tightened a bit, as if he’s telling me to hear him even just now.

“Mahal kita, Sai. I can’t let you go.” He cried.

I felt my body stiffened from his words. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mga luha ko. I let them fall along with the rain.

“I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, but hindi ko kayang palayain ka kung kailan hulog na hulog na ang puso ko sa’yo. I know we started this deal to grab my parents’ attention but I didn’t expect that my heart eventually started beating to your presence.” His eyes were pleading to me.

“Everyday, I looked forward to seeing you, to holding your hands. When the smallest thing I do makes you laugh, I couldn’t help but feel joy because it’s music to my ears. When I watch you sleep, it feels like a paradise to see you be at peace and see you quietly enjoy your dreams.”

I couldn’t feel my body anymore. I dropped down to my knees, facing him. He hugged me under the rain letting me know it’s okay.

“I knew you loved letters which was the reason why I started to give you one. It might have seemed as something we only did just because it was in the deal, but the sentences I’ve written in those were genuine. Some of them were words I couldn’t tell you vocally, and that became a way to let you know what I was feeling.”

He slowly pulled away from our hug and stood up. He held me to help me stand up. He carefully touched my face to wipe away my tears.

“Sai, I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m sorry if I made you feel I played your feelings. I understand if you want to break this deal…” He couldn’t stop crying while comforting me. “Mahal kita. Sobra. I’ll let you go after this kaya let me be selfish kahit ngayon lang.”

I felt his lips on mine. It was different from all the other kisses we did. It was genuine and full of our emotions. I closed my eyes as he deepened it. He wrapped his arms around my waist. I couldn’t help but smile during it. It felt like this was the answer for my doubts and question. He softly pulled back, letting me go.

“Sai, I’m sor-“

“Mahal din kita.” I cut him off. “Mahal na mahal kita, Theo. Matagal na.”