Teen Wolf prompts I'll never write.

Stiles: From my angle I can't see it bounce.

Derek: See what bounce?

Stiles: Do you know why I always stay behind when we go running.

Derek: Because you can't keep up.

Stiles: Yes, but also because I like to see it bounce.

Derek: I focus too much on the details.

Stiles: Who told me I couldn't be gay dressed like I usually do.

Stiles: Now I'm married to an alpha werewolf with abs for days.

Everyone: *clapping awkwardly*

Stiles: Where's Danny? Danny, remember how I kept asking you if I was attractive to gay guys.

Stiles: Well... Seems like I am attractive to guys with biceps bigger than my head.

Isaac (whispering to Derek): Is this how you imagined your wedding?

Stiles: No, it's MY turn.

Lydia: What's all this fuss about?

Scott: We're deciding whose turn is to bottom.

Stiles: And it's my turn!

Lydia: Oh, my god! Can't you guys switch?

Stiles: If you aren't going to take this seriously maybe don't get involved.

Stiles: Sure, just give me a moment.

Stiles (turning towards Derek): You know how we are soulmates.

Derek: Soulmates don't exist.

Stiles: Okay, then, since I'm the love of your life...

Derek: I've never claimed that.

Stiles (threateningly): Derek, if you don't propose to me in the next five minutes I'll cut your balls off!

Derek: Stiles, would you do me the honor of being my lovely wife?

Stiles: Of course, I'll be your HUSBAND, you asshole.

Stiles: Don't worry, you're always welcome to stay with us. You have my word as the man of the house.

Derek: You're the man of the house, since when?

Stiles: Between you and me, who can take 8 inches of beer can thick dick inside without complaining?

Derek: Okay, you are the man of the house.

Derek: I like you too.

Stiles: ... And I was hoping that you... YOU LIKE ME?

Derek: You didn't know? We're in the middle of date.

Stiles: I thought it was a strategy meeting.

Derek: I brought flowers.

Stiles: A peace offering.

Derek: I kissed you.

Stiles: I was under the impression that was a common werewolf greeting.

Derek: With tongue?

Derek: You're on top.

Stiles: Yes! Riding you!

Derek: You can stop bouncing on it

Stiles: Thanks for inviting me. Hi, Eli!

Eli: Mama!

Stiles (shocked): What?

Derek: Sorry, Stiles. I don't know why he said that.

*20 minutes earlier*

Isaac: What do we say when we see Stiles?

Eli: Baba!

Everyone: ...

Boyd: This kid's broken.

Erica: Can we get a new one?

Derek: Sure, babe. Whatever you want.

*2 minutes later*

Stiles: I'm tired, can you take over?

Stiles: Well, when life gives you lemons, shove them up your asshole.

Jackson: That's not what people say.

Scott: Somehow love has made you worse.

Stiles (behind some bushes): If you aren't going to help me stalk Derek, you can leave.

Scott: You aren't even being subtle, he came by to say 'hi' ten minutes ago.

Stiles: Right! Little human Stiles can't defend himself.

Scott: Not what I meant...

Stiles: Just cause I'm tiny doesn't mean I can't kick your ass.

Scott: Are you done now?

Derek: What the hell, Stiles?

Stiles: I'm just saying, looks like a valid way to greet someone.

Derek: I'm not sniffing your butt.

Stiles: Tell me about it.

Allison: I think she meant...