Two Nerds LDR

July 28, 2019

As we near the end of another summer month long visit, I wanted to write something for you, something meaningful. This trip had a lot of good and one big event that was unplanned but in some ways completely eye opening (at least for me).

First off, I want to explain the good. We got to spend quality time together and enjoy the little moments most couples take for granted. We got to share goodnight and good morning kisses. We got to be spontaneous together. We got to cuddle up and watch Stranger Things season 3. We got to spend every waking moment soaking in one another’s presence and energy. We got to spend solid, uninterrupted time together. We got to laugh together. We watched a sad movie together. We RPed together. We went POGOing. We saw ducks. We played video games. We ate together. We slept in the same room. We cuddled for no reason but to feel close. We got lots of blizzards and I got lots of Whataburger.

We had a month of normalcy at your house.

We also had important conversations. We shared feelings we needed to talk about. We set goals for the future. We spoke of engagement. We celebrated an anniversary.

We got to be a normal couple for one month.

I want to share what the “event” we’ve washed our hands of made me feel.

Love. True and unconditional love.

You passed out beside me. I saw your eyes roll back. I saw your hands and feet shake. I was petrified. I am not telling you this to upset you or make you anxious. I am telling you this because I want you to know that as I looked at you like that, as my mind ran over the worst scenarios, things I was petrified of...I realized that you are my soulmate, my #1, my end and beginning. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

In that moment...a moment I now consider defining...I was petrified of losing that and it made me fall even deeper in love with you if that is even possible.

Right now I am listening to your adorable snores, knowing I will be exhausted tomorrow, but happy that I got to be here and see that horrifying moment because it showed me how true my love for you is.

It is never easy to leave you. Not once. This year is even harder because I feared losing you and will probably worry for months now when you go quiet without warning, when you seem off or upset, when your sick. Yet in trying to find the good in all this, the good in goodbye or see you soon, the good in witnessing such a horrifying event before my eyes, fearing all our goals and plans would disappear into nothing.

In doing so, while leaving isn’t easy, I leave with an almost therapeutic understanding of my love for you and my appreciation of you. This summer, I am leaving knowing, without a doubt, that I see forever in your eyes and smile. I leave knowing that we’re one step closer to our forever.

I love you baby, always have and always will. You are my forever.

Well, M left today.

There are a million different emotions that are running around in my head. But I’m not going to just focus on the bad things because if I do that then I’ll cry more. So I’m not going to do that.Because no one wants to read that. Not at all.

So these last weeks have been more than amazing. We got to share amazing times together and that I couldn’t ask for more. It was great to just have time together and to be there for each other. Got to do my first escape room with M this time she was down. It was probably the most fun I’ve done in a really long time. And we did another the day before she left. That one we didn’t escape from but it was really fun. I mean I still don’t know how roulette works or craps but I mean it was fun. I don’t get what our Game Master was talking about when they said it was down to just one when like there was clearly more than one playing black jack but alright. I’m glad we are here.

And as we just discovered while I was typing this is my heart stone, the original one is now back and I’m glad it is. I have really missed that stone as it is one of the most important things I own. And it came from a place of love and that is what matters.

But we had so much fun at the river trip. Like so much fun. I am so glad you came with and that we actually did it. The two days of just no signal and just us were nice. You got to see a place I wasn’t sure you’d ever see. It is stunning to me still. And yes, Texas is oddly a flat place really. Lots of open land and you know cows and fat sheep. So many fat sheep. Now for those who do not understand that is hay bales, you had to be there.

We got video and while I didn’t get to cosplay any while here it was well worth just spending time with you. We’ll have to watch more Steven Universe together. I hope you loved the show as much as I did. We watched some great things and while no movies, because honestly when did I have time, it was fun to just be together. And that is possibly the most important thing.

While, I didn’t get to go because of school, and I know it is not a fun reason, and I know it sucks, I am glad we got this time. And no, plans didn’t go according to plan, but sometimes they just don’t. And we are able to roll with it. I’ll still complain to you about my professors and math, and you got to see my focus face. Also my I’m done with math and want to murder it face. That is pretty much the same if you think about it. So it is the little things. But with bad comes good and this just means I’m one step closer to being done. That means the world to me there.

Boo has been on top of me since you have gone, and Cupcake too. Perhaps we will both sleep tonight and not get like 3 hours of sleep. Who knows. But I do know we won’t get to hot. IT was so hot like why was that a thing? Stupid room and the fan being like “I will work for your toes but nothing else”. You will be getting a gift the third, and one that I wanted to get you. Not because I felt bad but because I love you and I think it is perfect. Now the trick is you not to get it too so wait till friday to see what I got you. So you have to promise, alright?

And since I’ve changed who I’ve talked to in this letter like twice now I think I’ll leave it here. I love you so much, and I want you to know that.

As I sit here, in the guest room of your house, I can’t help but feel both anxious and sad. I leave tomorrow, with or without you. We have gotten to spend a glorious month together...a month of huge steps forward and amazing memories. I have officially met almost your entire family, even if they didn’t meet me as your girlfriend. I was included in family photos and welcomed by your cousins, as your girlfriend (as they knew, while their parents and your grandparents did not). I overcame my fear of open water, going out in a kayak by myself and even free floating with my life jacket. Most of all, I got to enjoy time with you, without the distractions that cell phones and the internet provided. It was a wonderful adventure and I got to enjoy just being with you and to remember the many things I love about you.

Now, however, I am preparing to leave. You are still sleeping in the other room and I’m already feeling the sadness of separation and the longing that comes with distance. We’ve been doing this for three years so the feeling of these goodbyes are not new to me....but they still hurt and they’re still hard to swallow. This time, they are especially hard, as you were supposed to come home and meet my family, we weren’t supposed to be preparing for a goodbye quite yet....but here we are. 

To say I’m not upset at the thought of you not returning home with me, as planned, would be a total lie. I am disappointed and I’m upset. The trick is not being upset AT or WITH you, but truly understanding the reason behind the decision (if you don’t come home with me). I am trying to understand it. It won’t stop me from crying or being disappointed and upset....but those are natural reactions and I know you’ll be feeling them too. 

Still, I love you and that is what makes these goodbyes so damn hard. This is the longest amount of time we’ve ever spent together. In 3 years, we’ve gotten long weekends and 1-2 week visits. An entire month has been blissfully amazing...yet parting seems so bittersweet and hard. I know we’ll readjust and survive. We always do. We work through it together and get by with rabbit dates and surprise packages. We get by with daily texting and snapchat. We survive and one day this distance will be behind us. 

Still, I hate saying goodbye. I am still hoping you will somehow come home with me, that somehow things will look up and we will get a bit more time before we say goodbye and to make another memory, to check another item off our LDR bucket list by seeing Us the Duo together. 

I love you, baby, and I hate like hell saying goodbye to you. 

<3 M

I have been “home” with T for 2 days (going on day 3 now) and while she has been sick, things have been great. We got to talk about two things that have been driving me crazy due to my depression and anxiety. We’ve gotten to cuddle and just spend quality time together. Honestly, I don’t care if that is all we do, as long as I’m with her these 3 weeks. I’m still hoping to bring her home with me for a few days when all is said and done...I know if it doesn’t happen I’m going to be upset and disappointed, but no matter what I love her. We have been together 3 years, as of yesterday, and I feel we’ve grown stronger in those 3 years. We still have no end in sight for this distance, but we know what our end goals are and what we’re working towards. We have plans and ideas. I think that we’re going to be okay. Right now, T has been sick. That kills me. I hate when she’s sick and I can do nothing to make it better, even being here sometimes feels like it’s useless to her and unhelpful. I can’t really do much to stop a fever. I can’t fix an illness. It’s hard. Yet, I’d rather be with her, cuddling her and having her know I’m here...than not. Yesterday, we watched movies and played video games together. These are such simple things...but yet people who aren’t in an LDR take these things for granted. They don’t understand how much these things mean to people who can’t do them all the time, at least not when they’re right beside one another, taking in the very essence and energy of their significant other. 

I love you, T, and I am so happy to be here. So happy that you’re sleeping under the same roof and that we can have this time together for 3 weeks (I’m still hoping for more). I can’t wait to cook with you and enjoy our anniversary celebration when you’re feeling better. 

3 years seems a big milestone to me and I’m so glad we have made it this far. I think we have overcome so many obstacles and proven so many naysayers wrong. Is it always easy? No. But, we make it work because our communication is strong and we are strong. We support one another, love one another and are here for one another through thick and think. What I read about intimacy last night, really hits home for me. It isn’t about the sexual aspect, as most people think. It is about who you are so close to that you tell every secret, every aspect of your day and who you think about and reach out to at 3am when you’re at your worst and feeling your worst. Intimacy is that. We have that. On my worst days you are often the ONLY person I want to talk to or feel I won’t lash out at. You are my #1 and my everything, my best friend and my soulmate all in one. I love you, baby. We’ve hit a 3 year milestone and are still going strong. I can’t imagine life without you, nor do I want to.

I hope you slept better, T, and are feeling better. I really do hate when you’re sick and I feel so powerless to make it better. 

I love you, baby!

In less than 24 hours I will be with T for 3 weeks. I’m also hoping to drag her home with me for another week or so after that too. This will be the longest we’ve been together in one-shot and I am both excited and a little anxious, as I want everything to go well. Sadly, T is currently sick but that’s okay because I’ll take care of her as she took care of me over New Year’s. <3