how do i put this. ocd + bpd is a nightmarish combo to have because as a teenager i used to have awful tendencies to do the most amount of damage to the people whom i disliked like i would stalk Everything they had and i would spend hours doing this. i stalked one of my exes for six years until i finally stopped. any trace of something self incriminating they said on the internet? id make fun of it. like it was So bad and now, having grown out of doing those things, im now incredibly paranoid that someone is going to do that stuff to ME.
because if i was able to do all of that stuff, then i get in my head about how anyone else could do that, if i had the thought process so can they, i think people are on that same level of crazy as i was and some of them really can be! but it makes being on the internet So difficult. i struggle to bring this up too because talking about my stalker tendencies makes me worry people are gonna think i still do all of that.
and a lot of this really boils down to caring too much about how other people perceive me. i think after getting called out once, im worried it's going to happen again but worse this time. i feel like ive trapped myself in my own skull-sized hell thinking in black-and-white like im playing mind games with everyone.
im still cautious about what information i share online because i dont want to embarrass myself. if i post something personal and it gets ignored, i delete it because i think ive made other people feel awkward. and i try not to be too mentally ill around people but i also want to be authentic in my interactions, and i dont know who i am or what i want to be, socmed always makes me overthink this sort of thing and it's stressing me out to where i feel tempted to just delete my twitter leave the fandoms im in and then just talk to nobody but i know even that would make me miserable because then i wouldnt have any people to talk to
im worried people are after me im worried theyre looking for me im worried that theyll accidentally stumble across me and ruin everything im worried that people dont like me im worried that asking for reassurance from people who barely know me is going to come across as weird and parasocial and immature and i feel impostor syndrome wherever i go. im worried people already think im too mentally ill and unbearable to talk to. im worried about oversharing on the internet but i dont know where else to go, therapy hasnt really been helping a lot. maybe i need a new one. mine isnt really specialized in anything i need help with. i dont know. i feel awful about all of this
kianamaiart
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
turnnoffyourmind
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
ellievsbear