@sihjrweek TW: Panic attack for this one
It had been a long time since Takano Masamune had suffered from sleep troubles. Whether that be nightmares, sleep paralysis, or just plain inability to sleep. It had never been a constant thing in his life, only happening once a month or so, but in his most recent years he almost never found trouble sleeping.
In his youth, it had been an entirely different story. Although they only occurred once in a while, the nightmares he endured had been enough to force him awake with gasps and tremors of fear shaking through his body. Still, it wasn't something he ever discussed with anyone. It wasn't like he had anyone to talk to. He wouldn't even know what to say. The dreams were so abstract, but dreadful, suffocating, terrifying, a never ending fall through the air, but also being held under water until he couldn't breathe, and the whole world was dark, but all his vulnerabilities and insecurities were illuminated for the faceless crowds surrounding him to see, but also he was alone, so utterly and endlessly alone.
Then he met Ritsu. And Ritsu was the only damn thing he could think about, to the point where he wasn't having nightmares because he was too busy staying awake to think about Ritsu! Even when Masamune tried to shut his brain off, he just couldn't. It made him find the underclassman even more annoying, but also made Masamune want to get to know him better. What was so damn special about Ritsu that it was keeping Masamune up with silly questions and fantasies?
Then Ritsu left. Masamune didn't have any trouble sleeping after that because Ritsu leaving was like the first domino in a line of tragedies that pushed him to drink. Getting totally black out drunk actually helped you fall asleep and stay asleep pretty quickly.
Then Yokozawa helped him (forced him) to get his life together and maybe it was the anxieties about officially entering the adult world and taking his life seriously that caused an uptick in his experiences with sleep paralysis. That shit was the worst; the inability to move, the complete lack of control, the question of when it would end, if it would end, or if he was even breathing, oh God he wasn't breathing, he couldn't breathe, he was dying-
But Masamune hadn't experienced sleep troubles in a long time. Maybe it was due to the sheer exhaustion that his work brought on, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Masamune slept just fine most nights, slept even better when Ritsu was beside him, which was becoming less and less rare of an occurrence. Masamune still hadn't gotten that 'I love you', but he and Ritsu had something.
So, of course on the night that he was away from home on a business trip, all alone, no Sorata, no Yokozawa and above all else no Ritsu, Masamune laid down to sleep and began suffering from that familiar feeling of dread once he drifted into slumber.
Only this nightmare wasn't so intangible.
"We're going out, right?" Ritsu asked.
"What?" Masamune said, his throat tight and his whole body feeling as if it could sink into the ground at any moment.
Do you feel anything for me? You never say anything about how you feel. You said I was annoying, you said I was gross. I don't know why you're with me. I don't know why I'm with you. I can't believe I ever loved you. You're annoying, you're gross. You're mean, you're pushy, you're insensitive, you're selfish, you're filled with nothing but ugliness- Ritsu's mouth wasn't moving, but his voice was all around and overlapping with the insults until it was intelligible. Masamune wanted to look away from him, but could not as he was unable to discern if he was looking at teen Ritsu or current Ritsu as it switched back and forth and combined and morphed endlessly.
"Stop, stop it!" Masamune shouted at him.
"Stop? Why should I stop? When do you ever stop?" Ritsu stepped up to him, grabbing Masamune's wrists and Masamune suddenly found himself on his back, immobilized as Ritsu pinned him down. "You never stop to think, never stop to ask, never stop, you never stop, just stop, STOP, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Ritsu shouted and then...
"Ritsu?" He called out. "Ritsu!" Oh God, Ritsu left him again, Masamune had lost him again and he was never coming back, Masamune had blown his second chance, he was so useless, so terrible, undeserving of the love Ritsu had once shown him, he deserved this darkness, this loneliness, he deserved to live out the rest of his life alone-
With no discernable transition, Masamune found himself on a bridge above rushing rapids.
"Would you do anything for me?"
Ritsu was in front of him again, looking at Masamune as he stood at the edge of the bridge.
"What?" Masamune asked, unable to keep up with the events occurring around him.
"Would you do anything for me?" Ritsu repeated.
"Yes." Masamune answered.
Ritsu reached forward toward Masamune, giving Masamune a brief flutter of hope as he thought maybe he would be embraced and forgiven.
And Ritsu watched Masamune begin to fall with a smile on his face.
Masamune woke up with a gasp, sweating as he sat up. He put a hand on his chest, feeling his heart pound unpleasantly. He swallowed hard with some difficulty, feeling like his throat was closing. Fuck, fuck, he couldn't breathe, where was Ritsu, he needed Ritsu. Masamune felt the side of the bed only to find it empty, which made his breathing more haggard than before.
"Ritsu?" He choked out in distress before he realized he didn't recognize his surroundings at all.
Not only was Ritsu not here, but Masamune wasn't even home.
Masamune scooted toward the headboard of the bed, pressing himself against it in an attempt to ground himself. He reached out toward his nightstand, grabbing his phone and failing to enter his passcode three times due to how badly his hands were shaking, but he managed on the fourth.
He dialed Ritsu immediately, not even looking at what time it was.
The phone rang and rang and rang until the voicemail picked up. Masamune hung up and redialed. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, he silently implored, begging for just a smidgen of mercy from the universe, even if he was as undeserving of it as nightmare-Ritsu claimed.
Masamune redialed again. He couldn't leave a message, if he left a message that meant he was giving up on calling Ritsu, which meant he was giving up on Ritsu, which meant he was giving up on them and he couldn't do that, not when he'd come this far, he was too selfish, he loved Ritsu too much, but if he really loved him then he would let him go, but he couldn't, he wouldn't, he needed-
"Takano-san, it is three in the morning!"
Masamune took a shuddering breath of relief when Ritsu picked up, even though he was clearly unhappy at being woken up. Great, Masamune had fucked up again, he'd upset Ritsu again, overstepped another boundary and proven himself to be a selfish asshole again.
"I'm sorry." Masamune had never sounded so small before. "I'm sorry." He repeated, louder. "I'm so, so sorry, Ritsu-I-" Masamune was not usually the one who was at a loss for words between the two of them, but his voice died in his throat as he took in another gasp of air.
"H-H-Hey, what's wrong? What's going on? Are you hurt? Do you need help?" Ritsu asked, now wide awake and on high alert.
"I need you." Masamune choked out. "I'm sorry, Ritsu, I'm so sorry-"
"Masamune, listen to me. I need you to breathe for me." Ritsu said.
"Can't-sorry." Masamune gasped.
"Um," Ritsu himself was trying not to panic as he did his best to remember anything he might have learned about how to deal with panic and anxiety attacks. "Can you tell me three things you see and three things you can feel?" Ritsu asked.
"S'dark." Masamune said, not able to see a whole lot. "B-but...there's the blanket. And-and my clothes. And I'm holding my phone." Those were three things Masamune could immediately feel.
"Good, that's good. Do you think wrapping yourself up in the blanket will help or make you feel restrained?" Ritsu asked.
Masamune wrapped the blanket tightly around himself and closed his eyes instead of answering. "K-Keep talking?"
"Okay. I can do that." Ritsu said. "I went shopping today, snacks, groceries, yes actual groceries which I know is a miracle, um stuff for the house like toilet paper and shampoo. I debated getting a jigsaw puzzle too, to do for fun, and then I realized that's an old person hobby and then I decided to get one anyway. I was looking at all the different options and they were all either boring landscapes or something really insanely colorful and kind of childish, but there wasn't really anything in between. I decided to get a puzzle with a picture of cats all caught up in different colored yarns. It's cute. I figure if I'm going to do a puzzle it might as well be a fun image, you know? Otherwise I won't have fun doing it. Plus, the cats made me think of you. Is this, um, is this helping at all? Should I keep going? Or do you need something else?" Ritsu asked.
"Keep going." Masamune said softly, having laid back down at this point with the blanket still wrapped around him. His breathing was beginning to even out.
"Okay. Um. I did some laundry today too and cleaned up around the apartment. I'm trying to have at least one day a week where I keep up with all the household stuff so that it doesn't literally pile up. It's kind of working so far? It's mostly just a matter of actually forcing myself to do it. I found some of your clothes in my laundry so I washed them too. I figured you wouldn't mind. And then I...I put on the sweatshirt you left behind. Because I miss you." Ritsu admitted.
"You miss me?" Masamune asked in disbelief.
"I do." Ritsu said, noticing that Masamune was no longer gasping for air. "Are you alright, Masamune? Do you wanna talk about what happened?"
"It's stupid." Masamune said dismissively. He'd never exposed this more vulnerable side to Ritsu before and now he felt embarrassed for freaking out over a bad dream like a five year old.
"You don't even know what it is."
"If it made you upset then it's not stupid. Not a lot can shake the feared editor-in-chief of the Emerald department, so it couldn't have been stupid." Ritsu said. "But we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just want you to know that it's not stupid."
"...thanks." Masamune mumbled. "I...I had a nightmare." He started. "You were you from now, but you were you from high school too and you were asking me if I loved you again, but then you started saying all these things about me that were awful, but they were true and then you were gone again and I was all alone and I thought you were never coming back and then I was on a bridge and suddenly you did come back and you asked if I'd do anything for you and I said yes and I thought maybe things would be okay but then you pushed me off. And then I woke up." Masamune rambled slightly, wanting to get through the recounting of the dream quickly.
"Oh, Masamune..." Ritsu breathed out.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Ritsu." Masamune apologized again, though much calmer this time. "I'm always so selfish when it comes to you and it ends up hurting you. I'm sorry."
"I'm...I'm not going to sit here and say that it's okay, because there are things you've done that aren't okay. But you already know that. And you should also know that I've already forgiven you." Ritsu said. "If I didn't then I would have already disappeared for a second time."
"It doesn't make me any less sorry." Masamune said. "I wish you were here. I really, really, really wish you were here."
"I know. I wish I was there too." Ritsu said. "I'm sorry you had to wake up alone."
"Can we have some sleepovers when I get back?" Masamune asked.
Ritsu gave a soft laugh. "Yeah, we can have some sleepovers."
Masamune's mouth quirked up into a smile at the sound of his laugh. "Okay. Can you stay on the phone with me until I fall back asleep?"
"Sure." Ritsu said. "Let me tell you about the absolute devil Kisa turns into when you're not around. Like he's even more mischievous than usual." He said as he began to recount any and all shenanigans Masamune missed out on at the office.Â
Masamune half listened, more concerned with the actual sound of Ritsuâs voice than the contents of the story. He set his phone aside, putting it on speaker and hugging one of the pillows he had.
"Hey, Ritsu." Masamune interrupted.
"Don't say it back. If you say it back right now I'll be so fucking pissed off cause I can't kiss and hold you afterward. But I wanted to tell you that I love you."
Ritsu paused for just a moment before he spoke again. "What if I really want to say it back? And what if you really need to hear it right now?"
"If you say it, I will leave and come home right now, work be damned. You don't want to be the reason I abandon my business trip, do you?"
Ritsu laughed again. "I wish you were joking, but I know you're serious. Fine, I won't say it back." He said.
Masamune smiled at the sound of his laugh once more, feeling lucky that he had got to hear it twice in one night. "I'm always serious when it comes to you." He said. "I love you." He repeated.
"Mm." Ritsu hummed in response. "You feeling better?"
"Yeah. Thank you." Masamune said. "Sorry for waking you up."
"It's okay." Ritsu assured. "I thought maybe you were just wanting to tease me at first, but I'm glad I picked up."
"Tease you?" Masamune echoed in a little bit of confusion. "Why would I call you at three in the morning to tease you?"
"Y-You know. Like-like s-something, um, inappropriate." Ritsu explained vaguely.
"Ritsu, did you think I was calling you for phone sex?"
"Shhhh, shut up!" Ritsu exclaimed.
Masamune snorted and shook his head. "My Ritsu always has his mind in the gutter, doesn't he?" Masamune laughed.
"Shut up, shut up, I do not, you jerk." Ritsu argued.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but maybe next time." Masamune said, grinning to himself.
"Absolutely not." Ritsu huffed and Masamune just chuckled in response.
The two of them continued to exchange quips and descriptions of how their days apart were going until Masamune eventually drifted into a much more peaceful sleep.
"Masamune?" Ritsu said softly after he hadn't received a response in a while, but he only heard gentle breathing. Ritsu smiled. "Good night, Masamune. I love you."
2087
janainaart
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
