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So when is this "old enough to know better" supposed to kick in? Via someecards

I sleep all day... So I can sleep all night. Via someecards

Let's hope my dreary bitterness and biting sarcasm won't keep us from having a good time tonight. Via someecards

I'll stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down. Via someecards

I'm counting on you to cancel our plans this weekend. Via someecards

I think I'll take it easy today and only do some of my boss's job. Via someecards

Let's hook up until the mood is completely destroyed by the awkwardness of us both struggling to get out of our skinny jeans. Via someecards

Bacon. You greasy, fatty, deceptively delicious, meaty bastard. I love you. Via someecards

I cover my bacon with more bacon with a side of bacon that is on a plate i made of bacon. Via someecards

This meal would've been much better without bacon. Said no one ever. Via someecards

I've never hated anyone as much as I hate everyone. Via someecards