tw111lightluvr

jacob elordi

heyy ! i'm lowk nervous to post for a diff fandom, i haven't really branched out of jozada so we'll see how it goes ! i loved off campus though and i'm now a josh heuston stan so why not right ! i initially was gna write a fic for justin kohl but idk i feel like he's so smau coded so here we are 😭 lmk ur thoughts or anything you'd like to see !! also can ygs tell i love drop dead by olivia rodrigo 🫩 HAHA sorry for the mistakes i was half awake doing this but see you guys soonnn <333

heyyyy ! this is a concept i've wanted to do for a while, it took a while because of the pictures i had to edit and make (and i'm anti ai so it was all done by me 😭) but i hope you guys like it !! i think this is actually one of my favorites even though some don't look quiteeee right but i tried my best LMAO ! see you guys sooooon <3

HEY GUYS !!! i'm finally on summer break so that means more content 🙂‍↕️ idk if i like how fast paced i made this but i hope ygs enjoy it anyway <3 also tried a new format out, lmk ur thoughts ! i've lowk been out of ideas so thank you to the two anons that sent requests, i appreciate it more than you know ! and i'm sorry if my writing is starting to feel repetitive 😭 but lots more coming, i'll see you guys soonnn 💗

HEYYY ! my first request !!! thank you anon for submitting this ! i thought this concept was so cute when i first read it in my inbox but i never quite got around to it until now 🥹 also sorry i couldn't find the full name for the fc for this one, but her instagram is pdm.clara ! anyway, thanks for the request, i hope you enjoy it, see you soooon <333

your first interaction with him that summer was when he walked into the library while you were hiding from the first liars party.

johnny: y’know, since you arrived, you’ve always hid in here.

you look up to see him hovering over you, hands shoved into his pockets and hair falling over his eyes, smiling softly. you close your book, sitting up straighter and reply.

you: and you’ve always been drunk downstairs.

he laughed at that. really laughed. his head thrown back, warm, bright, effortless. and after that night, he kept finding you. at first it felt accidental. running into him on the dock, playing tennis at the country club at the same time. then it became inevitable. he’d drag you onto the beach at 2 am because he ‘couldn’t stand another second inside.’ he’d sneak into your bedroom late at night, smelling like cigarettes and saltwater, collapsing across your bed and talking about everything yet nothing at the same time.

you noticed when he’d stare at you for too long. sometimes he’d go quiet when you spoke, like your voice calmed something in him. but sometimes he’d disappear, and those were always the hardest parts. you remember seeing him downstairs surrounded by people again. some girl tucked under his arm, music blaring around him. and he’d act like the shared nights between you two never happened at all. he was hot and cold, like he hated needing you.

one afternoon, you found him floating alone in the lake a bit beyond the dock, staring up at the empty sky. you swam out beside him silently and he spoke without looking over.

johnny: i thought you hated swimming.

you smiled for a moment, still making your way closer to him, and murmured.

you: i hate parties more.

that got a smile out of him. the water moved lazily around you both as silence stretched on for a moment. suddenly, he blurted out.

johnny: you ever feel like everyone’s waiting for something from you?

you only thought for a brief moment, recalling having that feeling almost everyday since you arrived at beechwood, then replied with a nonchalant shrug.

you: yeah, a lot actually.

johnny: no, i mean something impossible.

he spoke quietly, looking into your eyes deeply as he continued to float in the water. you looked at him. his face in the daylight always captivated you. too beautiful, too gentle. he didn’t wait for you to respond before continuing.

johnny: they think i’m happy all the time. i think if I stopped acting like that for even one second, everybody would leave.

he has a look on his face you hadn’t seen in all of the months you'd known him. then, the words slipped out before you could hold them back.

you: i wouldn’t.

johnny went still. then his face changed. and that look ruined you. it felt like hunger, grief. without another word, he swam up to you, and kissed you right there in the water. messy, sudden, and desperate enough to make your chest ache. but the second you kissed him back, the second it became real, he pulled away. he swam back, muttering under his breath.

johnny: forget it.

you stared at him blankly, confused by the sudden change in his demeanor.

you: forget what?

he didn’t waste a single moment before responding, running a hand through his wet hair.

johnny: that.

you: you kissed me.

johnny: i know.

your eyebrows furrowed, then you spoke with a slight rush in your voice.

you: so what does that mean?

he laughed softly, but there was something awful buried in it. he pulled himself onto the dock with two arms before turning to meet your eyes again.

johnny: that’s the problem.

he didn’t say more, didn't need to. he just took his towel, then walked off as he dried himself. after that day, you two never spoke about the kiss again, even as everything between you two became unbearable. some nights he’d sit so close beside you, your knees stayed touching for hours, eyes fixed on your lips while the rest of the room faded away. other nights he’d walk right past you at parties with another girl hanging under his arm. then, after nearly two weeks of avoiding you entirely, he appeared outside your door at 3 am.

you opened it slowly, still half asleep, rubbing one eye. johnny looked wrecked. his hair was damp, knuckles scraped, blood smeared across his lip, and breathing uneven. you whispered.

you: what happened?

he shrugged weakly, still panting.

johnny: nothing.

you: you’re bleeding.

johnny: it’s fine.

he looked at you for one second and you saw everything in his eyes. right then, you understood. he didn’t come because he was hurt, he came because he wanted you to care. he stepped inside your room slowly, gaze dragging over every object like he was memorizing it. breaking the silence, he spoke quietly.

johnny: i think there’s something wrong with me.

you stood up straighter.

you: what?

johnny: i keep ruining things before they matter.

your throat tightened. you took a step towards him and spoke weakly.

you: johnny…

you couldn’t say more before he continued, his voice shaking slightly.

johnny: and every time i get close to you, i want to disappear for like a week.

your heart dropped for a moment at his brutal honesty, eyes suddenly glossing over. then, you swallowed the lump that was forming in your throat and forced a single word out like a whimper.

you: why?

he laughed under his breath, shaking his head as his hands moved up to his hair.

johnny: because you see me too clearly.

silence filled the room. you could only look at him with disbelief while he paced back and forth. then softer.

johnny: you make me feel ugly.

those quiet words hit you harder than if he’d shouted them. and the worst part? you understood exactly what he meant. everyone else loved the performance, the golden boy, the effortless and perfect charm. but you saw the exhaustion underneath it, the loneliness, the desperation to be adored. and johnny hated you for seeing it, almost as much as he loved you for it. without another word, he walked out of your room, shutting the door behind him.

the last night of summer, the liars threw one final party. hundreds of people spilled across the lawn under strings of fairy lights hanging across trees. johnny was everywhere at once. laughing too loud, drinking too much, beautiful in that same self destructive way people always mistook for freedom. you watched him silently from the balcony with a drink in hand, and for a second, he looked up. straight at you. everything around him seemed to disappear and his expression changed completely. not charming anymore, not performative, just tired. almost immediately, he started walking towards the house, until gat grabbed his arm. then cady and mirren approached. the three of them smiling brightly and pointing to people you didn’t know. then the music swallowed him whole again. and johnny let himself get pulled away. you watched and didn’t move, you waited anyway. for an hour, then two. by midnight you realized he wasn’t coming. so you left.

the next morning the summer house felt empty. half packed boxes lined the halls, empty champagne glasses laying everywhere. you carried your suitcase downstairs quietly. johnny stood alone in the kitchen, leaning against a counter with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. he looked like he hadn’t slept at all. you stopped in your tracks as he looked up at you. neither of you spoke for a moment. then, he said quietly.

johnny: you’re leaving.

your grip around the suitcase handle tightened. you took a deep breath, not breaking eye contact and spoke.

you: you knew i would eventually.

he nodded once, uncrossing his arms and moving them to the counter, propping himself up straighter.

johnny: right.

you waited for him to say something else. to stop you, to finally choose something. instead, he just leaned against the counter, eyes fixing somewhere behind you, then down. and out of no where, he muttered.

johnny: i think in another life… i could’ve loved you properly.

your chest physically hurt, like your heart was being pulled in every direction. and for the first time, you watched as johnny began to cry. it was almost shameful, like he was trying to hide it as he looked down at the kitchen floor. you slowly loosened your grip as tears began to well in your eyes. your voice shook weakly as you replied.

you: that’s a horrible thing to say to someone.

johnny: i know.

he finally looked up at you again, and you swear that look alone could've ended you. he looked devastated, like he really meant it, like it was killing him too. you wanted to scream at him, to walk up to him and slap him right then and there, to demand to know why loving you always seemed impossible once it became real. but deep down, you already knew. johnny sinclair only understood how to want things he couldn’t keep. so, you wiped your tears as they fell, nodded, grabbed your suitcase, and stepped towards the door.

as your hand touched the knob, you turned to look at him one last time. he was still watching you, tear marks streaming down his cheeks. before you could stop yourself, you asked quietly.

you: will you miss me?

his expression flickered. then he smiled. small, broken, but as beautiful as always. and for the final time, he whispered.

johnny: all of the time.

you find the first clover behind the country club. it wasn't planned, nothing ever really is on beechwood, not in the way people like to pretend. you’re standing alone in the grass behind the tennis courts, hiding from the competitive yelling of cady, gat, mirren, and johnny who are playing doubles. then, you see it. small, perfect, four leaves. you stare at it like it’s wrong, like you're imagining the fourth leaf, like your own eyes are deceiving you. feeling an overwhelming sense of intrigue, you lean down and pluck it from the ground.

y/n: no way...

???: what?

you jump slightly at the sudden noise. johnny is standing there, with a soft smile, hands tucked into his tennis shorts, sweat dripping down his temple, and eyes slightly squinting from the sun. you turn to face him quickly, hand instinctively finding it's way over your heart.

y/n: god johnny don't do that!

johnny: do what?

his smile widens and he squats down to your level. you shrug and quickly flail your arms around, trying to somehow communicate your thoughts without words.

y/n: i dont know? just... appear like that?!

he smiles a bit playfully.

johnny: i didn't appear, i walked.

you roll your eyes with a smile, then hold up the clover without thinking.

y/n: is this real?

his eyes flick to it, then to you. he slowly nods, lips curving downwards and eyebrows raising, then speaks casually.

johnny: yeah... looks like it.

he answers simply, like it doesn’t matter, but you notice the way he’s looking at you longer than the clover. like, to him, that's the part that matters more.

after that day, you start spotting them too often to ignore. the second clover near the tennis courts, then another by the dock, and one tucked into the spine of your copy of 'east of eden' you know you didn’t put there. you notice that every time you find one, johnny is there. not always right away, not always obvious, but very close.

one afternoon, the two of you are relaxing by the pool, waiting for the other liars to come down. you push your sunglasses up into your hair and turn to johnny with a knowing smile.

y/n: you're doing something, aren't you?

he’s laying down comfortably in his pool chair, arms crossed above his head, watching you like he has all summer. he smirks slightly, a mischievous look in his eyes, and shrugs slightly.

johnny: that’s vague.

you tilt your head down and give him a knowing look.

y/n: c'mon johnny, don’t play dumb!

he tilts his head backs at you, now smiling stupidly wide.

johnny: i'm not playing anything y/n!

you throw a chip at him with a growing grin on your face. you laugh slightly as johnny tries dodging it before you speak again.

y/n: the clovers.

johnny is still laughing as you speak, hand now holding the spot on his chest that the chip landed on. then, he smiles and asks innocently.

johnny: what about them?

you playfully narrow your eyes at him.

y/n: why are you placing them?

a beat passes. he looks at you like he’s deciding whether or not to lie. he shrugs casually, his smile widening as he speaks.

johnny: maybe you’re just lucky.

you scoff playfully, picking up another chip and threatening to throw it again.

y/n: that's your explanation?

he puts both his hands up in a mock surrender.

johnny: it works!

you shake your head, smiling, and pop the chip into your mouth, deciding to let it go for now. as cady, mirren, and gat come down with their bathing suits and towels, johnny laughs happily and gets back into his original position.

that evening, at the beach, you’re sitting in the sand, turning one of the clovers between your pointer finger and thumb when he drops down beside you. you look at him with a more serious expression.

y/n: tell me why.

he doesn’t move, he just watches you for a moment as you hold the clover up. only the crashing of waves can be heard as silence stretches for a moment, then he exhales softly.

johnny: you’re really not gonna let this go?

you force yourself to smile slightly and nod. he looks out at the water instead of at you and shrugs harder than usual, like he's actually unsure this time. the air between you shifts. he begins to speak, but there’s a hint of nervousness in his voice now.

johnny: that day at the country club, you just looked at that clover like it meant something.

you blink.

y/n: yeah, well, they’re four leaf clovers johnny.

he finally looks at you properly. sounding more unsure by the second.

johnny: yeah, but you looked happy.

that lands somewhere deeper than it should. for a moment, you don’t respond, you can't, you just sit there with it. johnny gives a small smile and, wanting to move on, begins to talk about the bonfire you and the liars are going to in an hour.

later that night, when you get back from the bonfire, you find the last one. it's tucked near your bag at the dock. you lean down and pick it up, twirling it between your fingers slowly. you turn to your right, and he’s already there, sitting at the edge near the water, like he’s been waiting for you longer than the night itself. you walk back, crossing to the other side, and speak quietly.

y/n: another one?

he looks up, eyes following you as you sit beside him and nods one.

johnny: yeah.

simple, but it makes your throat tighten slightly and heart race pick up. you look deeply into eyes, and ask again.

y/n: why johnny?

he holds your gaze for a long moment, and something about the way he does it feels different than previous summers.

johnny: because i like you y/n.

you blink once, caught off guard by his directness. you inhale sharply before speaking quietly.

y/n: you like me? since when?

initially, johnny doesn't say anything, just shrugs, holding his breath. when he decides to speak, his voice is shaky, like using all of his willpower to holding everything back.

johnny: since forever... before i can even remember.

you look at the clover in your hand, then use the other one to hold his cheek, smiling like an idiot.

y/n: you're stupid.

he looks shocked for a moment, then breaks out in a giant grin.

johnny: what?

your thumb strokes his cheek and you laugh softly before continuing.

y/n: i've always liked you too johnny... it's been really obvious, cady and mirren have been making fun of me since we were ten.

he lets out a small breath of a laugh and takes the hand that was holding his face and squeezes it gently in his lap. he studies you for a moment as you shift closer.

johnny: well... i'll be having a word with them later for not telling me.

you laugh softly as he used his other hand to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, smiling like he owns the world. there's a pause as you look into each other's eyes until you break the silence.

y/n: ...so what now?

he cups your face with both of his hands, smiling as he tilts his head.

johnny: now... i ask you properly. will you go out with me y/n?

you smile, nudging him teasingly before holding onto one of his hands on your cheek. you begin nodding before any words come out.

y/n: yeah, i will.

johnny has the biggest grin you've ever seen in your 17 years of knowing him. looking into his eyes, you lean in slightly, but he closes the gap before you can even get halfway. you both smile into the kiss and when you finally pull away, he exhales like he's been holding it in all summer. no more secrets hidden in clovers. just you and him on beechwood.

when y/n arrived at beechwood, climbing out of the car and taking in the view of the giant sinclair house, she was greeted by cadence and mirren. for the first time in 17 years, johnny wasn't there waiting for her. y/n tried to convince herself it was nothing, that it didn't matter. after all, she now knew that people change, summer doesn't last forever, and attention can be drawn elsewhere. so she plastered a smile on her face, walked towards the house, and didn't look back. y/n grew even closer to cadence and mirren, who pulled her into attending different events, exploring parts of the island she didn't know existed, and nights where it felt wrong without johnny walking home beside her.

johnny remained quiet most of the summer. that was his thing, never saying anything until it was too late. he began disappearing in small ways. he stopped showing up to his tennis matches, the dock was empty every morning, and the beach felt quieter than ever. initially, y/n thought it was a bit strange but normal, their dynamic was always something they had to ease into at the start of summer. but as time went by, it started to feel like something she was remembering rather than living in. on the occasions she did hang out with johnny, mainly during family dinners or bumping into him at 3 am beside the pool, something in his eyes was different. something that felt exhausted and guarded, almost shameful. like he was carrying something more than he could manage, yet he stayed silent. he was nothing like the boy you always knew. it wasn't until the party on the cliffs that everything began to unravel.

the night was alive, music pumping throughout the house, pouring outside into the front and back yards, lights along the trees illuminating the dark sky, everyone laughing and drinking like summer wouldn't ever end. y/n was holding a drink, talking to cadence and mirren. she laughed so lightly that no one would suspect anything important was happening around her. but for once, johnny was there. she felt his presence before she saw him, heart sinking and eyes scanning the front yard. then she spotted him, leaning against a fence, not fully looking back at her but not looking away. she laughed at a joke mirren said, and johnny cracked. something small at first in his face, shifting sharply, then gone completely. he left shortly after and you didn't follow. not because you didn't care about him, but because you thought you had time later. and that was your mistake.

later that night, when y/n returned to the sinclair house, with cadence and mirren still out, she decided to take a quick walk on the beach. it was the perfect time, the sun was about the set, the sand was still warm, and a faint orange glow lit the sky. she spotted a figure by the shore, barefoot, with a cigarette in hand, faintly glowing in the dark. she believed it to be someone else, appreciating the sunset and enjoying the peaceful quiet of the waves, until she could make out the face. johnny. you stopped in your tracks, only a few steps away from him. but of course he heard you, he always did.

'you shouldn't be here y/n,' he says without even glancing in your direction.

you took a sharp breath before speaking, quieter than you intended for it to come out. 'then neither should you.'

he takes a long drag before finally turning to you, glancing briefly, then looking away like something stung him.

'since when do you smoke?' you asked, walking to his side with your arms crossed.

he swallows hard, looking down, visibly tensing up. 'since when do you care?' it wasn't cruel or ill intended, but it hit you like something sharp.

you finally take a long look at him, his jaw tightened and bleach blonde hair falling over his eyes. 'i've always cared.'

johnny looks up, not at you, but straight ahead at the horizon, before letting out a short breath that almost became a laugh, but not completely. 'no,' he said, voice cracking slightly. 'you used to.'

silence stretched between the two for what felt like an eternity. heavy and melancholic, in a way the ocean didn't match. you finally look away, straight into the horizon, where he had been looking. your thoughts reeled for a moment, questioning every moment of the past three weeks since you arrived to beechwood.

then, softer, he speaks almost like a whisper, 'i can't keep pretending i'm normal around you.' you freeze slightly, not expecting those words or tone after the cold cut talks you've had so far this summer.

his voice finally breaks into what you're familiar with, the warm johnny that you knew from every year prior. 'because i'm not, and you don't know why. and i've spent this time trying to live in the space between you thinking i'm fine and you knowing that i'm not.'

your chest flutters slightly, then tightens. 'johnny...' but before any other words could come out, he shakes his head like he can't stop his thoughts from flowing out.

'the fire,' he says, weakly, like a whimper. you stare at him for a moment, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 'what fire?'

his fingers squeeze the filter of his cigarette before he drops it completely. 'the one cady and mirren stopped talking about too fast. the one we started last summer, two days after you left.' and then, he finally tells you.

not gently, not softly, not even neatly. he speaks like it's been trapped inside of him, eating him alive and is just now finding its way out. he starts with the night of it. the chaos. the lack of preparation. the way he was there, a tank of gasoline in hand, watching, and not stopping cady, mirren, or gat. the way no one asked questions after the damage was done because being a sinclair meant you don't need to give answers. the way gat could no longer come back to the island and no one acknowledged it. that gat took the entire fall for them, and no one seemed to care. you didn't interrupt. you couldn't.

when he finished, he looked different. not less himself, just less closed off. he sighs deeply, then carefully begins again, 'i didn't tell you because i didn't want you looking at me like something you should leave.'

your throat tightens, you gulp hard, and whisper, 'and now?'

he hesitates long enough to hurt, 'i don't know.' and that honesty hit harder than anything you've ever heard before. you look down, shifting your feet.

he finally looks at you again. 'you should go back. wouldn't want you catching a cold.' for a moment, you recognize the look in his eyes. gentle, caring, and a bit playful. then, he looks down, pulling out another cigarette and placing it in between his lips. he lights it, then turns and walks further down the shore, into the darkness, and disappears.

you don't sleep that night. not nearly enough. the air of beechwood feels different now. you keep replaying his voice in your head, how it cracked, how words spilled out faster than he could control. the look in his eyes shifting between defensive and vulnerable. the way he looked at you like he was already gone before he finished his sentence. but, to you, the worst part wasn't the fire confession. it was him walking away.

the next morning, you find him at the same spot on the shore, like he never moved, like he was waiting but wouldn't admit it. this time, he sat in the sand with his head hanging down, no cigarette. he hears you approach, but doesn't look up.

'you shouldn't be here y/n,' he says, almost automatically. his voice is rougher than it was last night.

you stop a few feet away. 'you already said that yesterday johnny,' you reply as softly as possible. he finally looks at you. and there's the same look in his eye, like he's trying not to be hopeful.

'i meant what i said, about everything.' he speaks quietly. you nod once. 'i know.' then silence. waves crashing loudly on the shore like nothing was happening. then you step closer. not enough to overwhelm him, but enough that he couldn't pretend you weren't there.

'i didn't come to fix you,' you begin. his jaw visibly tightens as he looks away, back to the ocean. you notice, but continue anyway, 'and i didn't come to leave either.' you can see his shoulders drop slightly, his face shifting into something softer. 'why?' he asks. like he doesn't understand why you're still here after everything.

you exhale, 'because you can't tell me how i feel. and because i know you, i've always known you johnny.' his eyes flicker between you and the ocean, then something breaks, finally accepting the knowledge that they both share. he stands, walking directly in front of you.

'you shouldn't want this. me.' he says, really looking into your eyes straight on for the first time all summer. you answer slowly, 'i don't want the guilt, or anything about the fire, or the sinclair mess. i just want you. i always have.'

a long pause.

he looks away first, like hearing those words twisted something inside of him. 'you don't understand what hearing that does to me y/n,' he says. your voice remains steady, 'then explain it.'

he goes still. then he swallows. 'it means people will look at you different. it means i'm not sure how to be what i know you deserve.' immediately you shake your head slightly. 'i'm not asking for perfect johnny... i'm just asking for you.'

he laughs under his breath, not humorously but in disbelief. like he can't understand how after all this time and everything he's said and done, you're still there. then he looks at you again, deeply, and the last glint of coldness in his eyes disappears. 'i thought you were gone... that you finally gave up on me,' he admits. you step closer, placing a hand on his chest. 'i was never gone, things were just different this year.'

that hits him with something deeper than guilt, you see it on his face almost immediately. the way he exhales like he's been holding his breath for months. 'i didn't think you'd come back after last night,' he says. with a shrug, you smile. he places his calloused hand on your cheek, staring into your eyes like he's searching for an answer to a question he's afraid to ask. 'what now?' he asks quietly. this time, there's no panic in his voice. you look into his eyes deeply, like you're certain, 'now you stop disappearing.' he exhales, 'that might take a while.' you nod quickly. 'good, i'm not going anywhere.'

he looks at you, still holding your face, and presses a small kiss on your lips, like he's unsure if it's allowed. you smile, kissing him back after years of silent crushing and back and forths. he pulls back slowly, still leaning his forehead against yours, then smiles genuinely for the first time this summer. the moment is broken when you guys hear cady and mirren calling out from the road behind you.

johnnys smile widens, then he begins to walk. he turns back at you, and for the first time, he doesn't disappear. he laces his fingers with yours and you guys walk off of the beach, together.

OMGGGG first fic and it's for johnny sinclair bc i love joseph zada down. didn't expect to write this lowk, just kinda happened spontaneously and it's def a different style than i envisioned in my head, but still hope you enjoy it !! had fun with this one, unfortunately not really canon but still a bit fun i hope? lowk tried to go for a tsitp vibe but idk if it worked out LOL!! okay byeee see u soon <3

HEY GUYS !!! so sorry it's been a while, it's currently finals season for me so i've been locked in. this is a bit rushed so sorry about that but i promise in two weeks i'll be back and grinding these out for ygs <333 hope you enjoy, see you !!!

heyyy, hope you guys have a good day/night and enjoy reading. i've been craving more sotr content i'm so excited for it. i really liked coming up with and creating this one, it was lots of fun !! lmk if ygs wanna see anything :) see you soooon <3

here's part two !! again sososo rushed i'm sorry, but hope you all have a good day/night wherever you are <333

heyyy, this was pretty rushed so sorry if there's some gaps or confusion i'm so sleep deprived </3 hope you enjoy anyway ! this one was lots of fun and part two is already up :)))

hello !! first smau for jozada, i love the sotr cast sm and olivia rodrigo is my favorite girl ever so making this was lots of fun ! can't stop listening to drop dead, so good. again, biggest shoutout to the user 'cheerymints' btw who inspired this and my future writings, i loved their joseph zada fics, if u see this pls come back with more </3

anyway, hope u guys like it ! see u <3