T v n d r a L e e c h

I can't do this, this hurts i said. My words didn't want to be understood. I feel dirty I feel sick, i feel used. Pressed against corners and walls, not being able to speak up without losing a friend. Taught this was normal, taught everybody goes through this but I'm just not made for it. Asked if other girls were in this pain all the time and feeling disgusted and sometimes like strangers to themselves. They said no, but how could it be? How does it feel if you consent fully? How does it feel when it feels good? How do you get pleasure out of something that burns so much, that tears you up from inside? Is it because I was too young by law and something got hurt in the process? is that why I still feel the aching pain and why do I feel still disgusting? Lips sealed shut forever. No one can know. All i get out of opening up is the downplay of the actions done to me. Got me questioning if I'm allowed to feel the ache, the uncomfort, the mental overstrainment? All this still got me questioning all of this while I'm writing this. Why is it so forbidden to tell others why does no one believe me or understand. The only things that made me think might actually is wrong, where stories about getting touched by the same persons inappropriately... Not in my extend, not at my young age, not at thirteen. Frustrated feelings why i can't move on, why I don't seem to forget, why I still have the throbbing hurt....? You gave me something that stays. You gave me something I can't get rid of without still have to suffer through the same emotions again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and... While some question what went wrong what they did. I can't explain my lips are sealed, my secrets are locked. All I can tell you, please don't blame yourself. Please. I wish you could just see something went off once...