disintegration

but quite bpd is way more than a page of the DSM-V with its 9 criteria diagnosis scheme

quite bpd is having a fearful avoidant attachment style. you do crave intimacy but you would never dare to ask for it. you deprive yourself of love because deep down you consider yourself unworthy of it

quite bpd is fastened images of violence in your imagination, but when you open your eyes and look at your hands and legs, you are still as a statue. nonetheless event after event, conflict after conflict, the anger remains repressed and ready to surface in explosive but rare fits of rage

quite bpd is endless social isolation. something de-clicked in your mind and distancing yourself from the world does not allow any abandonment, be it perceived or real

people pleasing comes as second nature to you, you wouldn’t handle rejection or disagreement so you do as your told not matter how inconvenient and inconsiderate it feels. you turned into a self sacrificing machine and the stop button broke long ago

quite bpd is looking at yourself in the mirror and hating what you see. the feelings of worthlessness consume you. you feel inadequate, broken. the hopelessness turns into self harm and suicidal ideation.

but you learnt how to mask all these struggles and sufferings so well. you excel at pretending to be fine, the facade of normality and happiness never falls off - you wouldn’t allowed it.

and the others will have no clue how you’re constantly on edge and at war at yourself.

“I've had a lot of ups and downs in my life. I'm still working through it personally, but the best thing about me is that if an alcoholic or drug addict comes up to me and says, 'Will you help me?' I will always say, 'Yes, I know how to do that. I will do that for you, even if I can't always do it for myself! So I do that, whenever I can. In groups, or one on one.

And I created the Perry House in Malibu, a sober-living facility for men. I also wrote my play The End of Longing, which is a personal message to the world, an exaggerated form of me as a drunk. I had something important to say to people like me, and to people who love people like me.

When I die, I know people will talk about Friends, Friends, Friends. And I'm glad of that, happy l've done some solid work as an actor, as well as given people multiple chances to make fun of my struggles on the world wide web...

but when I die, as far as my so-called accomplishments go, it would be nice if Friends were listed far behind the things I did to try to help other people.

I know it won't happen, but it would be nice.”

- Matthew Langford Perry