I Put Down A Judy Blume Novel For THIS...

Dear Uncle_Drew55,

I would like to submit a formal complaint regarding the item that you advertised online. As the owner of my own pop up shop, I was completely taken aback by the fact that you advertised an item that was not available in your own shop. I took time to review the description of the item, correspond with you regarding the item, and even snapping you a few PG-13 pics to confirm that the item would be discounted accordingly. It seemed like a great fit. However, after driving a great distance to purchase the item, upon meeting you, I learned that not only was the item not available, but that it was never even in stock. Disappointed is an understatement. Additionally, offering pieces of the whole item that I wanted was like throwing salt in my wound. If I wanted pieces I could have purchased those from a shop much closer. While, I know it can be hard to give something away that you spent time working on, falsely advertising is not the way to deal with it. Perhaps you should start paying your customers for the shopping experience you wish for them to have in your store. I have provided the following rating: 1/5 stars. Thanks for nothing.

Sincerely,

(Speaking in a group meeting for micromanagers. A rant.)

Most people are afraid of the “M” word. God forbid it finds its way out of the mouth of a new hire just dying to do a task that I’m clearly better at. MICHAELA.

Look, if everyone was meant to be a leader then we wouldn’t overhear staff members crying in bathroom stalls over post-it notes reminding them of their mistakes.

I’m just trying to help you people.

I care about each and every one of you like I would my own children. That’s why I don’t have kids. Why go home to them when I have you at work. In adult form. With Coffee and codependence for everyone.

As to the email I was accidentally CC’d on regarding my passive aggressive behavior, I would like to say that I send very clear and direct messages when I criticize. I know when I’m late, but you might not realize it when you are and that’s why I remind you.

While I may not be your boss, I’ve been here longer, seen it all done it all and I’ve perfected the methods that I expect you to follow.

Efficiency is key. That’s why I hover.

There’s so much to manage: filling printer paper trays, calling in group orders, and making the new interns cry.

I mean, if our boss thought you’d be able to handle my responsibilities, they’d be yours, wouldn’t they?

All I ask for is some respect for how hard I work. That’s why I’m always running around – so you know I’m busy. And if you don’t hear me rhetorically telling myself how much longer I’ll be staying after 5pm – you just don’t care to listen. And that hurts.

A Day In The Life of Gwyneth Paltrow

INT. GWYNETH’S LIVING ROOM

Gwyneth is sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket.

GWYNETH

Most people find it hard to believe that they could relate to me and that’s why I decided to peel back some of the layers and let them see the kind of person I really am. I’m more than an entrepreneur or a movie star. I’m human ya know.

The camera pans to the book on the table as Gwyneth picks it up. It’s a book she authored.  

GWYNETH continued

Have you read this? You Should. It’s so good. She gets me.

Gwyneth proceeds to read to herself as the scene fades.

INT. HALLWAY

Gwyneth is looking at the pictures of her children.

GWYNETH

People gave me some push back when I spoke about how kids can affect a marriage. But it’s true. I spent so much time watching the nanny to make sure that she wasn’t servicing Chris that I forgot that I needed to – so that’s like why I blamed the divorce on the kids.

Gwyneth traces the frame with her fingertips.

GWYNETH continued

I’ve forgiven myself for it though. That’s the only way to move forward.

She looks at the camera and smiles. The scene fades out.

INT. FAMILY ROOM

Gwyneth is watching The Talented Mr. Ripley.

GWYNETH

I love watching my movies. God, I’m so good, right?

She points to Matt Damon.

GWYNETH continued

I made that bitch famous.

The camera closes in on her profile as she smiles.

INT. BATHROOM

Gwyneth is looking into the mirror.

GWYNETH

There’s balance in everything, you know. I didn’t think I was going to look young forever, but I also didn’t think I’d be able to hold on for as long as I have. And that right there is what makes me better than you.

She smiles into the mirror, rubbing cream on her face until the scene fades.

*available on goop*

*vagina scented face cream*

EXT. BACKYARD

Gwyneth is walking around barefoot.

GWYNETH

I love Earthing. Everyone should try it at least once in their lifetime.

She stands with her face towards the sun and her hands stretched out to the sky.

Moses peeks outside to ask when dinner is.

GWYNETH yells.

I’m Earthing.

Moses rushes back inside.

GWYNETH

I think that’s enough for today.

Gwyneth motions to someone off camera.

An unknown man picks her up into his arms and carries her back inside as she waves.

GWYNETH

As always, I want to give a shout out to my (bleep) in Paris.

I feel like I’ve reached a place in my life where I can speak for all women, especially women who are now just another face in a crowd. Look, I’m a 5-foot 9, blue-eyed, blond bombshell from an upper east side, Hamptons every weekend, private school, car service, bumps & bubbles Sunday Brunch kind of family. I don’t work for attention. And when I do it's slavery. And that’s illegal. I’ve always gotten everything I wanted. As a model I traveled the world and men chased me everywhere. I was royalty. I never had to develop a personality because those are for ugly people and women of color. When I enter a room people acknowledge me because I’m special. They expect me to be adored and I oblige. That’s how I network--by showing up. I don’t start conversations, I’m the subject of them. The press loved me. Men wanted to date me. Women kind of hated me. I drowned in compliments and Cash Apps.

I just pick underage black girls and talk to them for years until they believe they owe me something for all the attention I’ve given them.

I give them STDs that people believe statistically they’ll get anyways.

I continue to make music with white liberal artists who don’t practice what they preach.

I sue them before they can sue me.

I never address the accusations publicly.

I use revenge porn to remind people who the real criminals are. The whores.

This is an unedited rant that I will come back and clean up later. I just had to get it all out.

I love Taylor Swift's music. I've even had the cops called on me for blasting it at 7AM, singing along with it while cleaning. It's predictable, fun, and there's lots to choose from. But unlike other fans I live in reality and see her as a person with flaws like any other artist. But the more I scroll through notifications of her budding romance with #87 and her billion dollar status I can't help noticing her fans attacking anyone who dares to criticize her or her motives. And the deeper I dive the more I realize that they need a wakeup call.

It's as if she's their child and they get to live through her galivanting through town like a teenager and not a 30 something year old woman whose spent millions building her brand. This is her MO. She has to be seen in a particular light. Her fans can't seem to accept that this is an illusion. That she is playing a character. For god sake's she admits it in Blank Space "Be that girl for a month..." But like the month never ends because that pay check keeps on coming and its built on her being a talented lovelorn cat mother. Who has this girlishness about her. Always happy, always smiling, always kind, always looking put together.

This image has fans ready to attack anyone who dares to criticize this innocent young woman. They stand back, waiting for a fight. I'd swear some Josie and the pussy cats movie subliminal mind control messaging was going on. They can't find fault with her because she's not a real person. They have to love everything she does and they speak about her as if she's their personal friend. They speak about her discography and dating history because they feel like it belongs to them. Its sad. And its dangerous. Because Taylor Swift is a person and people are gonna people.

Need I mind you the time she got caught lying about the Kanye song. Well it's all water under the bridge to them because according to her fans people don't know the real story... in actuality it being she got caught lying and then made money off it because her PR team must also work for the bachelor because they don't stop. EVER. I'm impressed. But I also know its smoke and mirrors.

And the hypocrisy.

Her fans hate billionaires but don't hate her because she gives so much of her money away like other rich people don't... They don't mind that she has a private jet because its for safety...but apparently she's the only one who can use that excuse because any other celebrity doing so is a terrible human being.

And don't say she can't sing. That brings music majors running to the comments to tell you what type of singer she is and that you can't compare her to singers who have different voices. They never acknowledge things like her being unable to harmonize with singers live or moments when she's clearly off key because she's trying to sing out of range. Doesn't mean she can't sing, but it does show that she's not the strongest singer and that doesn't take away from her as an artists. She definitely sounds better now than when she first started, that's work, that's what you do for your craft. But also remember what Aretha Franklin said when she was asked about what she thought about Taylor Swift ...She has nice gowns.

And she does. She knows her angles and she works them well. She turned a basic, uncoordinated, already rich girl into a billionaire without the help of a divorce from a rich man. And let me tell you we are applauding you. It shows that having support from your family, money and.. well support... from millions of other people too can take you far.

But the fact that her fans can't see the illusion is what is troubling. It makes them unpleasant. The obsession with her love life, the desperate need to defend her at all costs really says something about their desperation to identify with someone.

I take it day by day. My goal is to last the year. Pay my bills and then book it. I hate it here. The kids are not exactly my cup of tea. The rules aren't exactly what I would expect them to be. It's a mess. It's a mess that has spilled into the second week of school where I find out that the school has yet to have consequences setup...which explains why behavior is as such. Clear consequences, Clear expectations. I live by this and yet I continue to stumble upon places that behave as if they have never heard of them before. I wonder what thinking goes behind ignoring bad behavior and it will go away. This is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard. You know what makes bad behavior go away - clear fuckin consequences. Immediate consequences. Unpleasant consequences.

Alas, I'm a slave to the paycheck. I keep a low profile. I make the rounds. But deep down...I'm waiting on an out. Worst case scenario they come after my license. Best case scenario I find a better job and gracefully leave this one behind.

I used to want to save the world. And not I can't fucking stand it. The rules protect the terrible. Adults behave like children. Children think they know everything and we act like they do and worship their youth while living vicariously through them. I'm in a dystopian society. Where noble is silent and naivety breaks sound barriers.

It's day 2 of me teaching and I am feeling like I made a mistake. I don't like the culture of schools. The idea that a child can speak in any fashion under the guise of naivety, but I have to become a verbal punching bag in the name of emotional support and growth is making me want to drive my car off into the sunset and never return. I hate it. I hate them. I know they are children. I know they will look back on this with regret. But I don't care. I don't want to be part of it. I'm tired of hating my life. I'm tired of pretending like I am happy when I am not. I don't understand how someone can bring their child to school and not know they are a complete dick. I'm not talking about chatter or moving from place to place because "ENERGY". I'm talking complete disrespect. The nerve to actually take pride in speaking down to someone who goes out of their way to be kind to you. I miss being able to keep it real. I miss the days when people had shame. It's a shit show. And I signed up for it. I don't care how much money I make, its not enough to cover the bruises these kids put on me every day. I hate it here.

But -

I accept what I abhor

Refuse what I desire 

Elusive and alluring