Tumble-Grumble

You know its not the right thing, it might even be crossing principles, boundaries, ethics and every such marking that makes one sane BUT you thought of it, maybe didn’t do it, that just shows to what lengths your mind races when you’re infatuated about something. Its plain crazy. The morals just plummet to their deaths and the floating bubble that is you, is laughing at the demise of the wonderful person that you’ve worked all your life to create. And for what? A momentary pleasure of imagining what it would be like if you did the dreadful thing that you just thought of. Jesus Christ, is the mind a crazy place or what.

Face it, its the ugly truth. You know that moment when you almost think of the unspeakable devil, its out there. There is no taking it back. There is no fooling your brain. Alas, there is no redemption!!

They say your faith either makes you or breaks you.

What is faith? Are you a person of faith? Is this a yes/no question or is there a grey area here?

I used to be a believer. In everything. I believed I could achieve anything I set my mind on. I was also sane enough to set reasonable goals for myself. I know I’ve hit a rough patch, but my belief seems to be hanging by a loose thread. I cannot decide if I’ve hit a bad low or if my faith was poor to begin with.

Is this another worry I’m adding to my life? Would it feel less burdensome to just let that thread go? Am I overthinking this? Does having no faith mean you do not have a soul? Am I lost?        

So many questions and no answers. It just feels like I don’t know myself anymore. I do not recognize this person. I do not relate to this person. I do not control this person.

Is it necessary? Is it overrated? My point is - when you share your thought with somebody, they know what you’re thinking and thats fine. But whats the guarantee that they understand it the way you intended it. Wouldn’t it make one susceptible to being judged. Wouldn’t that make one vulnerable? Isn’t that a bad thing? We all say that we don’t care what others think, but the truth is we do care, we all seek some kind of approval. It does matter. Approval plays a very big role in boosting self-esteem. Atleast helps me. Does that mean I have very little of it, that it needs the push? Is that normal? Does this make me mediocre?

Does a fresh start help in, well, starting fresh? If so, what exactly does it entail? Do I need to turn everything around in my life? Should I give up everything and everybody? Will I be happy then?

Reading my thoughts is so weird. I just read the paragraph above and it sounds like teenage problems. Its confusing how I can’t understand my own thoughts. They seem so alien. They seem so superficial almost. Is any of ME left inside somewhere? What do I need to do to find it?

Am I just insecure because things haven’t gone the way I planned? Have I lost the confidence in myself?

They say, doing something makes one realize the hardships involved in actually achieving it.

I started writing this year. Writing my thoughts, feelings, random rants and ramblings down only to realize that I’m not half as bad as I thought I was and, hell, I even like it.

I never understood poems maybe because I had to ‘by-heart’ them to get those perfect 5 marks, maybe because they were never explained right or perhaps because I just never liked them. But then I wrote one, I knew what I was writing since the concept was concrete in my head. And about 2.5 hours later, it was complete. It felt so good on so many accounts; from actually writing something, to writing something meaningful, to writing something I, my own worst critic, thought was good! I felt so good that I put it out there for people to read it. I got an overwhelming amount of response and all positive ones at that. I was over-joyed. It felt wonderful.

It’s a nice feeling to discover a talent that I didn’t know I had. Now, I don’t know if it was always there but I thought I had such pathetic writing skills that I never tried. In retrospect, maybe I wrote this because I knew what I was writing, I can’t pick a daffodil from a garden and write about it, can I? I’m no William Wordsworth.

But nevertheless, better late than never. All in all, it feels good.

It blinds you, your fear, your paranoia..

Where do you draw the line? Where is the limit to this? How are you supposed to differentiate between precaution and paranoia.

You give somebody the benefit of doubt not because they deserve it but because your paranoia can never let you think straight! You wonder if you’re running low on trust because you have trust issues or the other person is hard to trust. Its unfair to hold back on a loved one because you have issues. Maybe they don’t deserve the trust, how would you know? But you give in, put your weight on the divine power and just give in; take a leap and hope it all ends well.

After a point rights and wrong, intuition, instincts etc all fail to have meaning. You do something, you don’t know was right or wrong, but the harder part is to make peace with it! But you did it now, you took that step. All you can hope is that you don’t burn your hand yet again.

You show your care while you lovingly brush my hair, You kiss my hands Moisten up these dry sands, Make me wish the plane lands, Into an unimaginable trance.

You say you worry, So much so that you hurry, To give me suggestions that I bury, Hence you think I’m dreary, Although you call me a fairy.

To care about me you are allowed, But not till it becomes my shroud, With great sweetness you are endowed, And to have it with me, I’m proud.

How do I explain where to draw the line, While I have in my hand, a glass of wine, That friendship, rather than love, is more divine, And yet make sure you are still mine.

You are my friend indeed, while in need or greed. I say this with great honour, You are my armour, you help me remain calmer, Sometimes you leave me nothing but a corner, But that’s your manner.