Tulee Talk!

I’ve been feeling a little flustered and unorganised lately. Sometimes I’m so on top of my workload, I’m productive, I’m smart, I’m a go-getter and an achiever!! (At the very least, in my own mind) Other times it’s like the organisational part of my brain goes on strike. I wake up and almost immediately, I’m bombarded by a flood of un-noted tasks and “to-do’s” that I’m too tired to work out how to prioritise.

This morning I needed to take a trip to the bank so I decided to walk there rather than drive, to give myself a moment to breathe and get some clear thinking space before going into my working day and it turned out to be a revelatory experience.

To get to the bank there are 2 ways I can walk. If I go down the road I can take the route along the main road or if I go up the road I can go along the slightly quieter main road and through the park. It’s always an easy choice for me, I like a bit of green so I went through the park.

I had more than enough things to do today but I decided to take my time, not rush and just enjoy the scenery. I saw all the morning people doing their exercising, picnicking, dog walking and people watching. I took in the rich greenery of the trees and grass and I realised as I walked further into the park, the noise of the traffic outside slowly dimmed and gave way to the gentler sound of birds chirping. It felt peaceful, even relaxing and for while it was like I wasn’t in the city anymore and my thoughts weren’t on my lengthy to-do list but on life, God and things that make me feel peaceful.

It’s literally just a regular walk through the park but it suddenly became a bit symbolic. I’m in this place that is helping me to stay calm and gather my thoughts. Just outside of that calm space though, there are people moving fast, impatient drivers, horns blowing, everyone’s trying to get somewhere, do something, rushing, panicking, on the move, on a mission. I knew in that moment that when I took my first step back onto that main road outside of the park, I would become part of that madness again. I’ll be forced to keep up with the expected pace to avoid being trampled by everyone else.

Don’t you think that’s a bit like life? We’re always encouraged to stay on the road, aim to become the biggest and fastest rat in the “rat race”, build your empire, climb the social/career ladder, be recognised and make that money, and maybe we’re doing a good job of it, but in truth we’re wearing ourselves down to nothing. 

We’re outwardly “successful” but inwardly we’re not doing that well. We’re respected for our achievements but have poor character, we’re getting things done but our health and relationships suffer. I don’t think the constant grind and hustle is supposed to be the sum total of our lives. Every now and then for the sake of our sanity and quality of life, we need to walk “off road” and go slowly, catch our breath and be removed from the noise and constant demands of life and people. If we don’t, when will ever be able to work out where we are, develop our character (outside of developing our social standing) and renew our thinking? I’m reminded today that it’s in a place of calm and rest that our brain has the best chance of processing life.

So continuing on from my last instalment of Tulee Style discussions on adulting, here is part 2. A few more lessons I’ve learnt whilst being/trying to be an adult…

 7.     I need to write things down

As the years go on, I’m creating more thoughts and memories to add to an already pretty sizeable pile. 32 years worth of memories is a lot, which is possibly why I regularly forget things now (new excuse!) I’m trying to now take note of things I learn, find, see and enjoy. I sometimes use my blogs, social media, voice notes and my notebooks at home to do this because I know that although I won’t sit and read over these things weekly, one day I may scroll down my Twitter or Instagram profile and think “Oh my gosh I remember that! That was great!” or flip through my notebook and think, “that was such an important lesson, I need that again now”. It’s like I’m allowing myself to relive good things and teach myself things again later. I don’t know how you might record things, maybe your memory is a lot better than mine but I think as the years pile up, we need to keep some of the treasures.

 8.     It’s ok to say “I don’t know”

I don’t know where we got the idea that adults are meant to know everything. I think it’s crazy! I’ve watched serious grown folk make up answers to questions that I knew full well they didn’t know the answer to. Yea, it’s embarrassing sometimes to not have an answer to something that is maybe common knowledge for others, but it’s more embarrassing to make up an answer and be completely wrong. People see all the way through your pretences eventually so it’s better just to admit it. “I don’t know the answer to that. Let me check it and get back to you.” Simples

9.     I still have to sweep up mess from my youth.

We all like to believe we’re “over it” and “past it” whatever “it” may be, but I’m finding that our current state is massively affected by what happened in our younger years and we have to be willing to address them in order to move forward well. For me personally, a simple example would be where I’ve found trust to be hard as a result of fall-outs in my younger years. In my present adult state I’ve had to see those old issues for what they were, go back into some of those thoughts, address for myself what went wrong, what I could’ve handled differently, where my view is distorted now, be honest about how it makes me feel today and then move forward with a healthier approach. I think there are much bigger issues we deal with today that still linger and ruin our relationships, our confidence, our self esteem and even our careers because we won’t acknowledge that hurt in our childhood was valid and genuinely needed fixing. We’re adults now but that just makes us grown versions of the same broken children.

 10.     Pick your battles

Not every argument is worth having, not every issue is worth overlooking. Work out which is which. I’d say the best way to know is to consider what is gained/lost as a result of your chosen response.

 11.     A good cup of tea fixes most things

I know immediately that some will disagree with this because tea isn’t your thing but whether it’s hot chocolate, ice cream, some exotic fruit, knitting or walking, I think we all need that moment every now and then to pause with that thing we love and enjoy it undisturbed. Hustle and bustle is life, but those moments you can steal away to enjoy a simple pleasure are priceless. Enjoy moments, enjoy scenery, enjoy peace!

 12.     Love on people while you can

In my weekly adultingness, I plan all the things I need to do but not always time with those I love. I often think about how life will change in years to come, how people I know may not be here anymore whether it be that they move to a different country or pass on to their next life, we won’t be here together forever. For this reason it’s important to make time for those you love. Being an introvert myself, this requires a little more effort on most days but the more I think about it, the more important I see it is. Touch base every now and again, check in to make sure they’re ok, grab a coffee or whathever. We don’t have to be together every day but a little connection every now and then leaves less space for regret later.

14.     And a compilation of random thoughts to close

Don’t take yourself too seriously. Mind your own business!! Choose to be happy. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Dance in front of the mirror often. Don’t compare yourself with others. You don’t have to be involved in everything. Do things that inspire you. Money doesn’t grow on trees, so budget well. Be brave! It’s ok to be yourself. Do random things! Be kind. Live in the moment. You are nobody’s superhero! Be angry once then move on. Don’t expect others to think like you. Give generously of your resources. Do things you love… Basically be brilliant!!

Though I am no official philosopher, scholar, psychologist, social analyst (or whatever qualification it is you need to share things like this) I’ve officially been an adult for at least 11 years now depending on when you mark the start of adulthood, so I thought today I’d share a few things from my own experience of adulting. Please note, these points are compiled from what happens in my own world, your accounts may be different…

 1.     It’s not what you expect!!

I remember when I was but a teen and 30+ seemed like a lifetime away. From that angle, being an adult looked so serious and responsible. I always thought that when I got to this point I would be like [insert description of what I am not], I would have [insert what I don’t have] and I would do [insert what I don’t do]. Basically, nobody can plan what adult life will be like. We can try and some bits we’ll probably get right but I’ve learnt not everything goes to plan, it’s not always supposed to, and that’s ok.

 2.     It’s ok/necessary to be childish from time to time.

In my opinion one of the faults in our adulting is that our expectations of being an adult are just way too high. I once watched a programme where a woman was mad at her husband because he was playful. He jumped on the climbing apparatus when they walked their son through the park and in her opinion that’s not what adults do, he should’ve left that in his childhood… But why not though? In amongst all the serious, deep and sad stuff we have to adult our way through every day, we need a few moments every now and then to remember what it is to laugh and not have cares. Go to an arcade, visit a theme park, jump on a trampoline, laugh at something stupid. It’s not “every day serious and deep”. It’s ok and actually necessary to let your hair down, laugh at yourself a bit and do things that are unrelated to the responsible stuff.

3.     Your social scenery will and must change.

I said to a friend recently “we’re cool now but in a few years time, we may not be this close”. This isn’t because I foresee any issues in us being friends but just because I’ve recognised that part of growing up means my social scenery has changed over the years. I had friends in my early teens that I would’ve considered my BFFs! We told each other what we’d do when we got older, we confirmed each other as bridesmaids for each others weddings, we also confirmed ourselves as Godparents for each others children. We’re at the stage now where these things could actually happen and real talk, I don’t even know what their current phone numbers are. Sometimes we grow in different directions. That doesn’t mean anyone’s fallen out, it doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other anymore, it doesn’t mean that if we met up tomorrow we wouldn’t buss joke like back in the day. It’s just their adult journey went that way and mine went this way. That’s also ok!

 4.     Adult “aches and pains” are a real thing!!

Due to me growing up and choosing certain jobs and hobbies I have developed a small selection of aches, pains and clicky joints to match. As a result I’ve had to do things I didn’t have to do before like book massages for business (not just pleasure), buy exercise tools for relieving muscle tension and make regular appointments with the chiropractor. These were not things I thought about in my teens as I was more active and my body functioned a little better then. By year 10 in school (14-15 years old) I was probably 1 out of about 5 girls in my school year group that didn’t bunk P.E lessons or use “that time of the month” as a weekly excuse to sit out of sports. (How many periods did these teachers think girls could have??!) I actually really enjoyed it. That being the case, my body was in pretty good shape and was quite resilient. These days my exercise of choice is jogging and that happens every once in a while in warmer months… simply put, not very often. I can still run quite fast for buses but I feel like death is upon me when I catch it. Because I’ve had to spend more time taking care of the responsible things in life, I’ve neglected my health and physical well-being. Now that I’m getting older and the limbs are not exactly as supple, new and strong as they once were, I need to put a little more effort into taking care of them… So now that’s said, I have to decide what day I’ll be going for my next run. Oh dear Tulee...

 5.     You never stop learning

I think babies are incredibly smart! They can’t talk, walk or discuss politics when they first leave the womb, but think about all their development in just their first year of life. After exiting the womb and literally being able to do nothing, by their first birthday (depending of course on their own personal growth and ability) they have likely learnt to eat and drink, hold things, recognise people, recognise sounds, stand and/or walk with a little help or independently. They’ve figured out how to roll over, how to get attention when they need something, create sounds that are on the way to being words, sit up on their own, in some cases climb out of their cot, feel and express varied emotions and more. Somehow when we’re adults we feel that we know so much when really, many of us have stopped learning. What was the last skill you learnt? The last hobby you picked up? The last educational pursuit? It shouldn’t matter how old we are. As long as we are physically and mentally able, we need to keep trying to learn new things and keep our minds fresh! We must in all areas, be teachable.

 6.     Trying hard to appear unnaturally youthful is not cute.

Some adults are naturally quite young at heart. Others are not and that too is ok. What we need to do is stop trying to be “down”, “hip”, and “in” with young people. It’s good to know some of their lingo so we can understand what in the world they’re even saying when they talk, but when we try to know these things to avoid feeling out of the loop or looking old, it’s actually very awkward to watch. In my general circle of friends, not everybody is like me. Some are more posh than I am, some like things I’m not into, some use phrases I don’t use and know things I can’t dream of understanding. These too, are all ok. I don’t think that in order for younger people to relate to us we have to be the same as them. I believe connection is more about being willing and open to understanding others rather than trying to mimic them.

Towards the end of 2017 I had a random discussion with a friend on a train. We talked about life and in a few moments of honesty confessed that we had both lost our “spark”. You know that energy that you have about life where you dream big, you work passionately, you’re hopeful for each day…? That’s the “spark” we were referring to. It’s like the responsibility of being adults had stripped us both of that zeal, not because being an adult in itself is meant to equal a life with no zeal, but because in trying to be responsible and do all the things that are expected of us, we put aside the things that we were once passionate about.

 Some time before this conversation I think I hit my personal breaking point. With all the ups and downs of the past few years and having just generally burnt myself out [again], I was tired and had already concluded that I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this. I couldn’t continue trying to keep life moving without an aim, without drive, without any desire and on a repeat cycle of burnout and tiredness.

 One thing that I know I’ve been good at over the years is finding nice things to do. I’ve prided myself on the work that I’ve done for people’s projects, the support that I’ve given friends and family, and my efforts to be faithful and dependable (not always 100% successfully but I tried)

 I eventually realised that I was trying so hard to be the friend, the relative, the worker, the leader that I was needed to be, but on most, if not all fronts was coming up short, never really being able to fully satisfy any of those roles. On top of that disappointment, I was also at a loss to myself because of the added frustration of being unable to explore my own dreams because I had no time left after labouring to be “all things to all men”. It’s like the most annoying catch 22… So I had to ask myself why am I working so hard? Who does it benefit? Was anybody on either side satisfied or grateful for the outcome of all that labour? Were all these things worth the sacrifices? Was I doing something someone else should be doing? Why was I even doing any of it?

 I watched a video a while back where (in short) comedian Michael Jr asks a man to sing a song. He sings it well, but then Michael Jr asks him to sing it again with a particular scenario in mind and his whole approach and energy in singing changes. You could sense a different kind of depth and thought process behind his note choices and use of power. He was no longer just singing because he was asked to, he was now singing knowing why he was singing (See video clip)

It made me realise that deciding what you’ll do, then trying to piece together why you do it later is entirely the wrong way round. I can decide that what I’m going to do is go for a drive, but unless I know why I’m driving I could potentially waste a lot of petrol, time and energy. If I know the reason why I’m driving is to get to a particular place, I then know that what I need to do is put a specific amount of petrol in the car, leave by a particular time, and bring snacks for the journey (as you do!) As well as that, when I get bored of the length of time it’s taking to get there, I remember why I set off in the first place and continue going with that destination in mind.

 If I know why my efforts are needed, I will then know what tools, processes and level of dedication I need in order to resource that vision. In essence, it’s having a purpose. I think we often make “finding purpose” very deep and a bit too profound when it could actually quite simply be rooted somewhere in the various things we are naturally most passionate about.

 For example, if I find that I am often heart-broken seeing homeless people on the street and get frustrated seeing people walk past them without helping, maybe I will decide to stay a few more months in the job that I don’t enjoy that much, to make extra money to raise funds to start a project to help the homeless. At least if I know why I’m still working in that job, I’ll get up each day with that focus.

 If I have a real love for seeing young people do well and have a deep desire to be part of their growth maybe I could look into doing a mentoring course. It’s may be a lot of work on top of my day to day and for the next year or so I’ll have to make a few sacrifices for it, but I know why I’m doing it.

 If my greatest joy is seeing people laugh and I am naturally quite talented on a stage, maybe I should spend a bit more time working on my stand up comedy. I may have to do a bunch of shows for free in order to build my skill or to find opportunities to make people laugh, but I’ll take the hit because I know why I’m doing it.

I haven’t found my full “why?” for life yet, I only have a small piece to the puzzle, the rest may take years to unfold, but with what I have so far I intend to find the “what’s” that help me fulfil the “why’s?”.

I’ve taken a step back from a bunch of things since the start of 2018 just so I could review what I’m doing, what I do and don’t need to continue doing, and not make decisions based on outside expectations. It’s allowed me to see what I really feel about my roles in life, what is most valuable to me, and what stops me from being the best me I can be and using all the specific gifts and skills I’ve acquired. I’ve learnt we are never really satisfied until we’re doing what we’re supposed to do.

Of course I don’t think this is something to be rigid about. Sometimes it’s necessary just to just give a helping hand or do something fun that’s completely unrelated to anything, but I think the key is to be balanced and not let life in all it’s randomness move you away from fulfilling what you know deep down, you need to do. If you don’t know yet what that is, that’s fine! I think over time the deepest passions that God built into our make up will surface eventually, then when we see them we must act on them. We can do many good things in life but we must make sure we make time for our “why?”

Here’s another old blog, first posted Wednesday, 09 April 2014 and still a true reminder for today

satisfy

ˈsatɪsfʌɪ/

verb

1.   Meet the expectations, needs, or desires of (someone).

·     Fulfill (a desire or need).

·     Adequately meet or comply with (a condition, obligation, or demand).

 Google Dictionary

 sat·is·fy [sat-is-fahy]

verb (used with object), sat·is·fied, sat·is·fy·ing.

1. To fulfill the desires, expectations, needs, or demands of (a person, the mind, etc.); give full contentment to

2. To put an end to (a desire, want, need, etc.) by sufficient or ample provision:

Dictionary.com

 Is it possible for a human to ever be satisfied? In this life there will always be more, something we don’t have that we will most likely at some point either want, need or think we need. (There’s a difference)

 According to some findings, Richard Branson, the founder of the mega brand ‘Virgin’ has a net worth currently in the region of about $5 BILLION! From the 1970’s till now, Virgin as a business have created or been involved in a record label, magazines, games, an airline, hot air balloons, trains, radio, drinks, bridal wear (!), fitness, cars, mobile phones, money and broadband internet… and this list is not exhaustive.

 If Virgin had stopped creating new ventures in about 1999 and stuck with developing what they already had at that point, they still would’ve been worth billions now and Richard Branson would still have no financial concern today, but he keeps going. Why?

 Some people with the most scary cosmetic surgery transformations would probably tell you “It all started when I was a teenager and I hated my crooked nose”. A nose job turned into regular Botox treatments, then into a tummy tuck, breast implants, eyebrow lift, chin implant and so on, till a whole new person was created. In some cases still, those same people would quite happily have another surgery on something else? Why?

 I’d say, because there is and always will be more to try and more to gain.

If I earned millions or billions every year, I’d imagine for the first few years I could probably use it quite well. Once I had bought a suitable house, a good car, given some money to charities and good causes, taken a few holidays, given some money to help family and friends and saved a bit I think I’d run out of ‘necessary’ things to spend it on because all the necessities would be covered. I could imagine then that I’d have to think of new and elaborate ways of spending the money that was just sitting in my account. Buy a revolving bed, “pimp my ride”, fill out my walk-in wardrobe. Then as my spending habits grow, my need for more money would grow and as I gain more money, I'd still find more ways to spend. At what point though, would I become satisfied with what I have?

 If people in poorer countries can live many years with a smile on their face on basic food, shelter, healthcare, clothing, education and their own homemade entertainment, then although I would not be considered particularly rich in my community, all I crave no longer looks like a necessity, but rather like a number of bonuses…

 The electronic goods I have are so useful to me, but before the world had these things, there was still life and people did amazing things, some of which we marvel at in museums and we’d still have trouble replicating today. It makes me wonder will the ‘more’ that I seek really make me any better off?

 In western culture where we have access to many benefits above the basic necessities, we still suffer from emotional issues induced by our hunger for ‘more’. We feel sad because we don’t yet have enough money to afford this and that, we feel insecure because we don’t look like [insert name here], we feel worthless because we haven’t made it to the top of our working ladder quickly enough. We hurt because we crave more - more money, more fame, more recognition, more respect, a better reputation, more friends/followers – and as long as there is more to gain, that underlying sense of dissatisfaction will always have space to breed. It’s an anomaly! We won’t ever be able to be truly happy because we won’t ever have everything!

 Here’s my recent conclusion on this. Satisfaction and contentment are bred within a person's character. When an individual takes stock of what they have, who they are, where they are, then weighs up how many of life’s small bonuses they have benefitted from and eventually decides, “I have enough of what I need and I am truly grateful”, only then will they find lasting happiness and contentment.

 A few years ago I decided that for a set period of time, I’d wake up every morning and thank God for 5 things that I hadn’t thanked Him for in the days before. Believe it or not, I came up with more than enough reasons to fill my time span because once I passed the obvious areas of gratitude, just like the person who has to find new ways to spend their excess of money, I had to think of new angles to appreciate what I had.

 It lead me to think of my organs and being grateful that they work without additional help, appreciating that although I always need glasses with a strong prescription, I can benefit from the use of glasses. Some people are beyond that point. I realised I was also grateful for things I wanted that didn’t work out but turned out (or have yet to turn out) to be for my benefit, having something to eat every day even if not a lot, having the ability to walk when I run out of money to top up my Oyster travel card. The list grew!

 I wouldn’t say right now that I am entirely satisfied with where I am in life - that’s the honest review of my position – and I don’t say all of this to say that having a lot or wanting more is bad. Not at all! Stagnation is never a better option. What I am saying though is that if you continually crave but never experience the peace that is born out of gratitude for the benefits life (God) has already afforded you, no matter how much you successfully gain, you’ll always be living on the emotional poverty line because there will always be ‘more’ of something somewhere to increase your dissatisfaction.

 As you press on to achieve more in life and develop, grow and gain, take time to view where you are, compare it to where you were or even could have been, and if you look at it fairly, I think you’ll see that along the way, you’ve received a number of bonuses in life. Believe it or not we all have them.

 In your search for ‘more’, seek more joy, more gratitude, the ability to appreciate life and more peace of mind and heart.

I, Tula, am a proud ‘Creative’! I absolutely love all things artsy!!

 2 of the arts I love most are music and fashion. I decided at some point in primary school that I wanted to be a fashion designer. At the time it was the perfect plan!! When I started to take it more seriously and moved in the direction of making it a reality by studying fashion in university, I found that actually it can be a very hard industry to get into and in certain areas of fashion (the parts I liked the most) it’s pretty difficult to get paid too!

 After university I was made redundant from my first fashion job (that I was hoping would be my foot in the door) and ended up being offered opportunities to teach singing in schools instead. This wasn’t part of my plan but I went with it because I was having trouble getting the fashion job I wanted. It turned out that I really enjoyed teaching singing for some time! I love singing anyway, so being able to listen to music all day and stretch my lungs regularly with people who love to do the same just seemed right.

I’ve always considered myself a reliable worker. If I was booked to teach a class or workshop I’d be there, be on time, prepared beforehand and worked hard to get the best results possible, but I was challenged by the infrequency of payment (again!). I had to question how I could consistently work hard, regularly invoice for hundreds of pounds and be paid only £60 for a MONTH!?? That’s a phone bill payment, about 3 bus journeys and a McChicken sandwich meal with an apple pie. Needless to say, I found it hard to wholeheartedly do what I love, knowing that after class I’d have no choice but to walk home from East London to North London because I didn’t have enough for my Oyster card fare. I made the tough decision to leave music in order to regain my love for it away from money.

 I’ve done other jobs over time in admin, waitressing and such but I found that though I was capable, none intrigued me the same way as the arts. Not everyone is cut out for office jobs, doctoring, law, etc but as Creatives, we’re often confronted with choosing between doing what you love whilst living “hand to mouth” each month, or working our way up the ladder in jobs that pay the bills but keeps us away from doing the creative things we love because we have no time or energy after completing a days work.

 One of the problems I think we have is that many creative jobs are considered “hobbies”, so when you explain that you’re pursuing a specific creative path, the following question is often, “ok, so what do you do as your job, like your 9-5?” Fam! For many of us, that IS the 9-5, in fact on most days it’s our 10.30-midnight, but who’s counting?

Unless you’re already known as a high profile artist, when you’re making your way up, it’s often said that the art should remain as a side thing because it doesn’t always pay… but why doesn’t it always pay?

 We’re surrounded by the work of great artists every day! If we have paintings or arty photographs on our walls, when we play music by our favourite artists or a band comes to play at your wedding, when you sit on your favourite hand crafted chair, or you wear your favourite outfit with matching shoes, these – and more - are all things that are thought up and made beautiful by amazing Creatives who probably are, or have at some point been a little hungrier than the average for the sake of their craft. Someone had to make it their full time job against all odds to make your life more beautiful and functional.

 Maybe the issue we have is how we value the arts and how unaware we are of the contrasting differences we’d see in life if they were less or non-existent. Think about it for a second…

 I think at some point we really need to celebrate our local Creatives. How? Stop asking our friends for free entry to their shows, stop burning copies of their albums, stop asking for “mates rates” on their bespoke artworks, stop asking why their one off garments for you don’t cost the same as mass produced Primark pieces. Stop asking for/expecting freebies in general and support and help promote their crafts! Sometimes a friend will offer something for free and that’s great but take it upon yourself at least once every now and again to say, “You know what bro/sis, this time I’d like to pay full price” just because their creativity enriches your life and for any other thing you appreciate, whether it’s the services of your accountant, your travel agent, your estate agent, or your gas and electricity provider, you would have to pay whatever price you are told to pay because that’s it’s value. 

I think Creatives of all kinds make our lives beautiful in so many ways and from one creative to another, I’d like to say thank you! I celebrate you for being brave enough to take steps in making yourself vulnerable to the world by sharing your most intimate expressions through your craft. I’m grateful for all the ways you’ve used colour, texture, movement and sound to inspire me to express myself, and how you’ve so perfectly explained your brilliant thoughts through words and acted out roles that have brought the most amazing stories to life. Thank you for the pretty wallpapers, the gorgeous textiles, the still and moving images caught of our favourite moments and more. Thank you for all the late nights and weekends you’ve kept creating around the job that you don’t enjoy that much.

 Artists, you are geniuses and even if your bank account, your employers or even your friends and family don’t make it clear, we need you! If you keep pushing with consistency and determination, I genuinely believe your efforts will be rewarded. When we leave this life, we can’t take our money with us but we can most definitely leave a lasting legacy. Let your art be part of that.

First posted Tuesday, 05 July 2011 but still so very relevant today...

Who said that between the ages of 25 and 30, you should have everything in place? You should be in a steady relationship (married or other) with one or two children, have a house of your own, a car, a fully rolling career and such?

Who decided that when you hit 18, university is the only real way forward?      

Who proposed that you’re successful once you’re in a 9-5 job and paying a mortgage? Is that how success is defined?

Who concluded that a ladies size 10 was ‘sexy’ and ‘desirable’ as opposed to anything smaller or larger?      

If everyone else around lost their virginity at 15, does that automatically become the standard I should have worked towards?

Who decided what height, complexion, style of dress or hairdo was acceptable or fashionable? Who in the world even decides these trends are correct?

Who sets our standards?!...

How is it that you and I - who are both individuals, different in looks with our own personal set of finger prints that no one else has, our own two eyes, two ears, two lips and brain - are somehow expected to walk the same (or similar) route in life and achieve more or less the same things?

 I look at myself and much of my own frustration has been around what I don’t have and some of what I’ve recently tried to achieve if I’m honest, has been based on the feeling of being judged by others. For example because I’m self-employed and don’t work the usual 9-5 hours, apparently I’m still ‘out of work’, not because there are no jobs to do, but because I’m not fulfilling the norm. I looked for a normal 9-5 but it didn’t work out like that for me. I consider now that maybe I just wasn’t cut out for that… Not everyone is…

 I’ve had so many more frustrated questions like, “Lord, shouldn’t I have this by now?”, “shouldn’t I be doing this by now?”, “look at what that person has. I’m older, shouldn’t I have what they have and more?”… The answer to all of the above is “NO!”

We set our standards according to others we know and our society at large but fail to take into account that although we live in a world full of people, you are one person out of those many. There is not and never will be an exact replica of you in personality, character and life purpose, so why then would you treat your present and your future as though you were built to live in a mold? It makes no sense. Even as adults we’re suckers to peer pressure!

 What makes it worse is that our ideas of where we should be and what we should have can stifle, control, manipulate and potentially destroy our lives. E.g. (1) A person who feels they need to sell drugs in order have the ‘hottest’ car and clothes, (2) someone who neglects friends, family and others in need to work at achieving financial ‘success’ (3) those who choose to marry or have children with someone who they have no business being with, because apparently they “should have done this by now!” In all three scenarios (and more), this quest to achieve the ‘common standard’ and ‘success’ can result in really bad decision-making.

 I’m considering this for myself and would like to put it to you too.  Think about how your personal standards are set. When we can view ourselves as an individual and put to the side the opinions of the twisted and confused world we live in, we’d probably actually be much happier people. I don’t know how you’ll start setting your standards from here, but I know I’ll be going back to the manual of my life and seeing what my Creator placed in me to fulfil. I’m checking my personal passions alongside His. Right about now, although your standards for me are pleasant, they’re too short sighted. I’m choosing God’s way.

 Tulee. x

The other day at a little family get together, my niece looked at me said “Aunty, you should be a lip model”. I thought “Aww that’s sweet” and thanked her but couldn’t help thinking how much the story had changed over time…

 That small compliment reminded me of when I was in primary school and how I used to get teased about my lips. Two kids in particular used to tell me regularly what they thought about my big “rubber lips” and said a bunch of things that made me believe I was ugly. I was never the loud-mouthed kid with the quick and witty comebacks so I always just quietly took it and in doing so, allowed myself to process, digest and accept their comments as ‘truth’…. If I’m really honest looking back, I sometimes wished I was that “clapback” kid because the ones who teased me most had lips that were literally just as big as mine, if not, bigger… anyway, let’s not dwell on it.

 As I grew older, it took a long time for the effects of those comments to lessen and eventually wear off.

 I understand now that those kids (and others along the way) measured my beauty based on what society said was beautiful then. We often talk about how the supposed standards of beauty in the media affects people’s self esteem and we should ignore it because it’s not true, but the reality is we will always be affected by it no matter how we want to think we aren’t. 

Look at how fashion has changed over the decades. Some of my childhood outfits of the 90’s included bright satin blouses with big collars, flared jeans mimicking the style of the 70s, Spice Girls inspired moon boots, the loud and scratchy sounding phenomenon that was “the shell suit”, and believe me there were many more standout items. Fast forward to the present and I absolutely CRINGE looking at old pictures of what I wore back in the day. I have sometimes questioned, “why didn’t anyone stop me from wearing that???” But then looking at pictures of others around that time, I realise I wasn’t alone. Those were the trends we were all wearing and it was then “beautiful” (kinda).

 During my years of studying fashion I learnt that those who dictate trends and sit in the media spotlight truly do direct our understanding of beauty without our awareness and without needing our permission. When a top we love that we’ve had for 5 years gets worn out and faded, we have to choose our replacement from whatever is available in stores at that time (dictated by trendsetters).

As well as changes in trends our view of beauty is likely to vary or expand depending on what faces and features we see most frequently in the media. We now like bearded men when once clean-shaven was the standard of handsome, size zero was once perfection but now it’s frowned upon and curvy is where it’s at!  We plucked our eyebrows to the width of a pencil thin line then, but now thick is fabulous! Likewise when I was in Primary School, thin lips were commonly more acceptable whereas right now in the present, girls are paying big money and deforming their faces to have the lips I was born with and was once told, made me ugly… Why? I would suggest it might be because now we more frequently see fuller lipped faces on higher platforms, which indirectly makes it more acceptable.

My ugly from back then is now very much in season! And funnily enough, I’m complimented more often now than ever about my lips and literally never hear a negative word about them.

This shows me that all the other things we might see as “ugly” on us now are probably going to be accepted as beautiful at some point, we just have to wait on our season… But if that’s the case, does that mean we’re always just a little bit ugly until someone famous validates us?

 I’m learning (very slowly) that we have to be willing to validate ourselves or we’ll always feel inadequate, because people’s opinions are so very fickle, even mine!! In the 90s I was one of those who said, “Ergh! Pedal pushers!? What are they? They’re ugly and they’re useless”. Months later who bought themselves a pair of pedal pushers because they were cool? Me!!! [I’m even not proud of this]

 We’ll always be at a loss trying to “keep up with the Joneses” because I don’t think anyone is really very clear on who the “Joneses” actually are! People say it all the time, but we’ve really got to find some way of appreciating what we have and maximizing it because once we’ve spent all the money to change it today, someone else will probably call it was beautiful tomorrow, by which time, that naturally beautiful thing on you is gone. 

Whether they tell you or not, you’re beautiful today!

 They’re scrambling for big lips now, but I was sporting these from day! I guess that now makes me a trendsetter… Maybe I AM “the Joneses”!

Another oldie, but goodie, first posted Monday, 01 November 2010

(Poem inspired by some personal jokes after a meal at Pizza Express...)

 Just a table for one please,

Yup, that's just one seat for me.

No two-way conversation,

No dialogue or interaction

Just the one...

 No giggling over coffee,

Or secretly playing footsy,

No, "are you gonna finish this?"

Or "that looks nice, can I try a piece?"

Just the one...

 So the waitress gives me a polite smile and ushers me aside,

Almost non-verbally saying "oh honey, never mind".

And I'm quickly escorted to a corner on my own,

Coz it's assumed I'm embarrassed about being alone.

 As I sit I wonder "Am I supposed to be ashamed?"

Should I have pretended that my friend was just running a little late?

Should I leave some 'angry voice-mails' before I start to eat?

Or order a platter that I know is meant for three?

 Look to the ceiling, look to the floor,

Gaze through the window, stare at the door.

Fumble about on my phone, nothing left to read,

View the menu five times over though I know what I want to eat.

 Should I duck if I happen to see a familiar face?

Should I speak out loud when I'm saying my grace?

Is it weird if I smile at those people over there?

I'm not trying to look like a stalker so I'd better take care. 

I catch a suspicious eye from across the room

Coz he's wondering why I'm a one when everyone else here is a two,

So I give an eye back to say "I see you looking at me,

Mind your business, eat your food, why don’t you leave me be?!"

 Then all of a sudden some liberated thoughts start to rise,

“Nobody is looking at you, it's all in your mind”

Yea! All my single ladies throw your hands up for all to see!

Oh... for real?... Shame, looks like it's only me :-s

 Those liberated thoughts crash down and once again I'm 'Billy No-Mate'

And though it's only been two minutes, I'm getting impatient with this wait

Should I call a friend now or bear this burden alone?

After all I'll look more popular if I'm using the phone

Or I could laugh out loud at text messages I've had stored all week

Will I finally find the relief I so desperately seek

From the torture this restaurant is putting me through,

All coz I came as one instead of as a two?

 I wriggle in my seat and my stomach begins to twist

Because I know I have at least another hour left of this.

So should I sit, head high and take this like a man?

Sure, why not? They don't know how hungry I am!

 Maybe I'll eat with someone special on some other special day,

But today I choose to disregard their opinions coz they don't know me anyway!

Yes, I've thought and concluded I'll be brave in my choice,

And when they ask me what I want, I'll use a bold clear voice!

 I'm young, free and single! I may not always have this time!

I should relish these 'me moments' whilst this time is still mine!

Nobody dips forks in my plate or finishes my drink for fun.

Why? Because today I eat at a table that's specifically just for one! :-)

Anybody who has known me for some time – and you don’t even have to know me that well for this one – will know that I have a weakness for Custard Creams. Years ago we used to have them in the house weekly because my Dad shopped with habit, rather than variety in mind.

 Lord knows, if I didn’t specifically tell myself to be aware of my consumption, I could quite easily and happily take my skinny little pre-teen/teen frame to sit with a FAMILY PACK of Sainsbury’s Custard Creams and comfortably finish the majority of it in one sitting. Nobody else would need to know the packet had EVER entered the house. At one point it got so bad, I’d eat them until I felt sick and still consider eating more. I LOVED Custard Creams… Please note, I’m not proud of this [covers face]

 I think it was not only the taste that I liked, but it also appealed to my creative nature. There are just so many ways to eat a Custard Cream!! For example...

 1.     Stuff the whole thing in your mouth and chew.

2.     Stuff the whole thing in your mouth and let it melt on your tongue.

3.     Eat the top layer first, scrape out the cream then chew the under layer.

4.     Eat the top layer first then let the rest melt in your mouth.

5.     Chew around the diamond shape in the middle then eat the diamond last.

6.     Dunk them in tea... etc.

I could definitely go on. These are only 6 possibilities out of potentially hundreds!! And I’m sure we could debate for hours what is the correct way to eat a Custard Cream… hours!!

 “So how does this relate to church?” you ask. Let me land this point… [Sigh]

 I’ve heard over many years, and particularly recently, people question why there are so many different denominations of Christian churches. They question how we can all believe in one God yet worship so differently, or prioritise things in diverse ways. It seems to have caused some to question God’s existence altogether.

  I’d quite simply suggest that the church’s understanding of God is a bit like how I eat [ate!] Custard Creams.

 Just as one pack of biscuits only has one design, but can be eaten in many ways, the church has 1 God, but our approach to Him is different depending on who we are, where we’ve come from and how accurately we’ve managed to understand the bible.

 In my personal opinion, I don’t think this means that every church is right in their practices.  I can’t personally vouch for everyone, as clearly I’m not God, but I would suggest that expecting millions of people worldwide to look at one very big God and come back with the exact same view of Him is very limited concept.

 We often fail to recognise that humans come with individual thoughts, feelings, hang-ups, needs, languages and inclinations. By that fact alone we should expect that various collectives of people can and will form their own understanding of who God is and how they should approach Him, just because they themselves see general life from entirely different angles. Rightly or wrongly, it will happen!

 I’ve learnt over time to never judge God by human standards and failings. We can’t say, “Because His followers can’t quite agree on everything, He Himself must be flawed”. Nope! It’s like someone trying to find out who you are by your friends and associates views. To a degree they would learn about you but depending on how well the person they’re asking knows you, and to be honest even if they know you well, there will be points that they just don’t get right. It’s then the responsibility of questioner to find out who you really are by asking you directly, rather than depending solely on the opinions of others.

 I think we’re past the point of being able to get away with being blind followers and blaming other people for our misunderstandings of God. We have so many research tools - books, teaching videos and podcast, study bibles, prayer and more - at our finger tips, that if we see a practice that we’re unsure of, we can ourselves, delve into the scriptures to see if it lines up with what’s written in the manual (the bible).  

Learning from people is great, but that should only really be the introductory step. The journey of faith requires personal interaction and intentional discovery. Depending on man’s view of this particular “Custard Cream” will continue to leave us confused, feeling very indecisive, lacking important details and forever debating. Get into the Book!

 … Man, after all this talk I’m hungry… [Sigh]

It’s an oldie but a goodie, first shared Sunday, 25 August 2013 23:46 but still relevant today

So I met this guy, known to most as "Gospel" and on meeting Him I was told I should introduce Him to all my friends... so here's how that went... I said "Everyone! This is my friend Gospel". As the last word of my sentence fell out of my mouth, I looked at Him and realised quickly He wouldn't quite fit in with my crowd. You see, my friends aren't easily pleased or quickly amused, so this non-conformist swagger that He sports probably won't make Him easy to accept... So I gave Him my jacket. I not only flung it over His shoulders but I zipped it up so He looked just like me. I figured "surely when my people see Him they'd see He's just as cool as I am and want to befriend Him. It may make them think that if He looks of the same urban nature as me, He probably walks, talks and acts like me too... Yes, good!" So I started again. "Hi guys, this is my friend..." But no, no, no, something still wasn't right.  There's something about His eyes. He can't help it but when He looks at people He has this penetrating stare. It's like you feel bare and transparent when your eyes meet with His, almost as if He saw everything you did wrong without you ever saying a word. I know I felt a bit self conscious when I first met Him. I knew all that 'reading people with His eyes' stuff wouldn't sit comfortably with my crowd. They don't like feeling vulnerable. They shouldn't have to feel vulnerable! I wanted to let them keep their pride so... Sun glasses! The darker the lenses, the better the coverage and no deep and meaningful eye contact... Great!

I then gave this introduction another shot. "Right! Friends, this is Gos...." Oh no, His feet! I know He likes walking about and making friends so He can talk to them about what He does. On meeting people He keeps telling them to introduce Him to their friends and I thought "Hey, if it's this hard for me, surely my mates will find it harder than I do. I don't want them to feel pressured." So I paused to think... The best way I can stop Him from going round and embarrassing people is by keeping Him in one place. If I can find a heavy enough pair of shoes and a reason for Him to put them on, I can get Him to wear them without Him even realising that they were actually meant to hold Him to the one spot. I figured it's better I do that than tell Him that I don't want Him trying to pop up and introduce Himself to people without me screening the scenario first. I didn't want to offend Him. Anyway, reason told me He'd be more comfortable like that. He always talks about Jesus so He'd probably feel more at home with His feet planted to the floor of a church. That way I could bring my friends to Him if or when I think they're ready... I said to myself, while I'm at it, I think I'll make Him a bit more stylish. I quiffed His hair, placed a medallion round His neck, threw on a couple bracelets and rings and made Him look like the high flying, money bagging, swaggerlicious baller that I know my friends will instantly take to. They only talk to good looking people and Gospel, though He's lovely, He's a bit... bland. His looks don't have the same striking appeal as they may have had some time ago. By doing this I'd say I've done HIM a favour. Bravo me!

I tweaked a few more necessary bits to make Gospel more acceptable in today's society and amongst my peers, but I think I took it too far when I started coaching him on His presentation skills and giving advice on how to reflect my mannerisms. At this, He quietly but firmly lost His rag and challenged my efforts with a simple response.... "If you dress me up to look like you, how will they ever know who I really am?... Are you ashamed of me?"