elfkin

as requested by anon. Could be used for formed families as well as blood families. Many of them can be used in other categories. Feel free to change pronouns or anything else !

protective older

“Mom/dad/parent/guardian left me in charge.”

“I’ve been taking care of you since you were little.”

“Come here. I’ll play with your hair until you fall asleep.”

“I checked for monsters, but they’re all scared of me.”

“You’re not going out like that.”

“What do you think you’re doing? I said ‘no’.”

“Did you eat yet?”

“I don’t want to see that boy/girl/person around here again.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“I’d never let anyone else talk shit about you. Only I can.”

protected younger

“You’re barely older than me!”

“You raised me…”

“Quit telling me what to do!”

“You’re not my mom/dad/parent!”

“I can’t imagine being an only child…”

“Stop acting like you know everything. You don’t.”

“You don’t understand!”

“But I don’t need a jacket.”

“You’re supposed to be my brother/sister/sibling, not my dad/mom/parent.”

“I need a hug. And I think you do too.”

protective younger

“You may be older, but I’m stronger.”

“Just listen to me for once!”

“You know, I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“Trust me. Please.”

“You always said I was an old soul.”

“Are you going out again?”

“You can’t keep eating Cheetos and marshmallows. It’s not good for you.”

“I feel like a grandma/grandpa/grandparent.”

“You made me so worried!”

“I don’t like your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/etc. I want to kill him/her/them.”

protected older

“I can’t believe you’re taking care of me again…”

“I should be the one protecting you.” / “I’m supposed to take care of you.”

“I’m so proud of you.” / “I wish mom/dad/parent/guardian could see you now.”

“You were always the responsible one.”

“You know what? I know what I’m doing.”

“Don’t worry about me.” / “You always worry too much.”

“Here, take this. I won’t be needing it anymore.”

“You can’t boss me around just because you have the faintest idea of how the world works.”

“Let me do one thing right! Get behind me!”

…in the rain.

…in the house they just bought.

…on the nose.

…against a wall.

…before going to sleep.

…to wake them up.

…french.

…in their neck.

…on their forehead.

…on the cheek.

…out of happiness.

…to thank them.

…drunk.

…to suprise/confuse them.

…because you missed them.

…to comfort them.

…to stop them from rambling.

…angry.

…crying.

…as a dare.

…for the first time.

❝ God, what if we just fucked one day? ❞

❝ Don’t sass me in front of the internet. ❞

❝ Follow your stupid fucking dreams. ❞

❝ Come at me scrub lord, I’m ripped. ❞

❝ I just wanna have sex with space. ❞

❝ Get in the tub with me, daddy. ❞

❝ Will you just relax and let me kill for money? ❞

❝ That sounds like your problem. Fuck you. ❞

❝ Stay in school. Don’t do drugs. Eat your teeth. ❞ 

❝ Make like a tree and fucking die. ❞

❝ Dude just…just pity laugh at least. ❞

❝ Man, Club Penguin’s gotten weird. ❞

❝ We are like the Stephen Kings of stupid. ❞

❝ Why do you enjoy watching me suffer so? ❞

❝ Do I have to jerk you off to blow your mind? ❞

❝ I haven’t had so much fun since I killed my parents. ❞

❝ Unfortunately I had sex with a guy/girl over the weekend. ❞

❝ What’s a vegetarian zombie say? GRAAAAAAAINS. ❞

❝ Revenge is a best dish served fuck you. ❞

❝ Who wears pants anymore? So 2015. ❞

❝ I need an ice cream sandwich and a gentle blowjob. ❞

❝ Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. ❞

❝ The bananas has gone bad! ❞

❝ I cared for those bananas! I raised them with my own two feet! ❞

❝ Did you know I’m a professional joke? My life is a joke. ❞

❝ What if everyone just had constant helicopter dick? ❞

❝ [ name ], does getting me wet fill you with determination? ❞

❝ I can’t prove that someone ISN’T a reptilian. ❞

❝ Wouldn’t it be funny if, like, you lost a family member? ❞

❝ These balls are coming at me fast and furious. It’s like that movie, ‘Speed’. ❞ 

❝ Call me One Direction ‘cause my relevancy is dropping by the day. ❞ 

❝ One time I killed a person and I didn’t report it to the police. ❞

❝ I wanna take a girl to the Grand Canyon, fuck her, and throw her in. ❞ 

❝ Nothing like a gunshot wound to the face to really mellow someone out. ❞ 

❝ If I can’t be the best, I sure as hell can be the worst! ❞ 

❝ [ name ], I’m on a date with a guy/girl right now and you’re embarrassing me. ❞

❝ I’ve made a decision. I’m gonna in the kitchen, gonna open the dishwasher, and I’m gonna climb inside. ❞

❝ I do apologize for my actions, even though they were totally and completely justified. ❞

❝ I could pee on this couch, right now, no problem, while looking you directly in the eyes.❞ 

❝ Look, you tell a couple jokes as a dad and suddenly everyone’s like ‘you’re making dad jokes.’ ❞

❝ All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are blue, except for three of them. And there are four. ❞ 

❝ And Abraham said unto Moses, ‘Bro, dude, aliens.’ ❞

❝ I’m gonna throw you out the window. We don’t even have any windows in this room…I’m gonna carve out a window and throw you through it. ❞ 

❝ DO IT YOU SACK OF SHIT! – Sorry. That didn’t come out as encouraging as I meant it to. ❞

❝ [ name ], if there’s one thing I can be totally honest about, it’s that I would happily lie to your face.❞

❝ If I took pole-dancing, I would be worried that it would be too erotic for everybody else. ❞

❝ Next time we make love, [ name ], would you please refer to me as your sweet cakey treasure? ❞   

❝ I try to show at least one other human-being my butt hole every single day. ❞

❝ The only people who don’t like sluts are the people who don’t get any. ❞ 

❝ Have you ever though of a career in driving people fucking insane? Because you are already a PRO at it. ❞ 

❝ I am actively looking for ways to get you to shut the fuck up. ❞

❝ First of all, you have to stop calling it ‘Mary Jane.’ That’s the first rule of stonerdom. People will think you’re a fucking narc. ❞

❝ First of all, no one says ‘pot-eyes’, you fuckin’ narc. ❞

❝ If by OK you mean like on the inside I’m just going ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’ then yes, I’m quite OK ❞

❝ When you walk outside there are three elements of nature that you must avoid: snow, wind, and bees. ❞