welcome

“I spent every single night crying my eyes out. I watched as the days went by slowly. I was dying. Not physically but mentally. The way you left killed me. As if I had a bullet in my heart. I fell apart. I went crazy. The nights I spent hating myself for you leaving. Blaming myself. Wondering what was wrong with me. Asking myself questions I’ve never asked before. You killed me. Everyday I woke up; I pictured a “missed call” from you. Maybe you wanted to call and tell me how sorry you were. Or a text saying you missed me. But nothing. My phone sat with nothing. Every last thought was about you. Missing you. Every hit from the chemical substance I was breathing in; I thought of you. You. Your smile. The way you spoke to me like nobody else did. You had taught me to love again. You cared, in a way no one else did. You fixed me; and broke me again. I had gone crazy. It was all for you. I had done things I never wanted to do again. Everything crashed down after you left. My grades, friendships, person well-being no longer mattered to me, because I had lost you. The one thing that kept me going. As more days past, I started to forget your voice and smile. It was all slowly drifting away. I stopped remembering you the second I woke up. I stopped checking my phone. When I fell asleep you were no longer my last thought. I had become angry at you. All at once it hit me. You never cared. You had left me when I needed you the most and I hated you because of that. All the lies you let me believe. I no longer cried. My tears were long gone from you. A month passed by; you were still in my mind. I still thought about you everyday, but not in the way I used to. I was beginning to Accept that you left. I was happier. My friendships, grades and personal well-being all the sudden became better. I didn’t need you. I just wanted you. My mindset was so angry at you for leaving, I completely starting forgetting you in the mornings. I stopped checking my phone, I stopped thinking about you before I went to bed. I was happy; then all in one text that changed. You came back. A simple “hello” ruined it all. My heart raced faster than it ever had. “She came back” I told myself. And I hated you, I hated you. But knew I still loved you deep down. I let you in again. Not like I did the first time. I would never ever give you that privilege. Things changed. I was yours, but you never seemed to be mine. I soon realized that after you had come back. Again, my friendships, grades and personal well-being were going down again. You weren’t right for me and I finally understood that. I stopped trying and you knew that I knew what you were doing again. Things ended; we drifted off from each other. Shit got tough with you and I. That somehow gave you a reason to leave again. I hate to say this, but I know what’s true. You never loved me. You just loved me being there. When nobody else was. I was a shoulder for you to cry on. But I’m not going to be that person again. I no longer want you. The games, the lies, the fights. You’ve drifted off my thoughts. The way you made me feel was so great in the moment but aIso so wrong. Not only do I feel bad for the nights I spent wasting time crying over someone like you, but I feel bad for the next person you’ll make waste time because they know you’re thinking of me while you pretend to Love them, the way you pretended not to care with me. I hope you realize what you had & that kills you. The way you killed me.”