The Queen Of Hearts Loved Once Too

I’ve heard many times before that I don’t need a knight in shining armour.

From anyone on the outside looking in that’s who you’ve been. You’ve been the knight in shining armour always there to pick me up when I fall, to wipe the tears from my face and replace it with laughter and a smile.

But you knew all along I didn’t need a knight in shining armour. What I needed was a sword.

The first time I met you, you didn’t tell me I needed saving. You didn’t try to fight my battle for me. No. Instead you told me I owned the crown upon my head and that I’d been holding the sword all along.

Every day since that night you’ve reminded me that all I need is to believe in myself not search for a knight on a white horse. You’ve given me the knowledge that I could fight any battle that came my way and that you would stand beside me not carry me through it but to help me see the strength I already had to carry myself.

You stand in the water.. waves of your past crash on the shore. Some times they leave a mark like an eroding rocky cliff face and some times they don’t leave a mark at all. A bubbly white foam that disapates and dissolves into the sand. Then you start to notice the waves in front of you. Little ripples than grow until they break and come crashing down. Sometimes the waves crash into you with such force you’re left thinking for certain you’ll go under with the weight of them all.

But you don’t know your own strength. You get over the next big wave, the obstacle that stands in your way of the deep blue ocean. Just like life, you’re faced with more battles than one so sometimes after one big wave comes another and then there’s another straight after that one.

If you focus on these waves too much it becomes too much, too much pressure, too much panic and all too fast. How do you keep your head above the water with the fear of the next wave hitting you before you’re ready.

You pause.

Take a deep breath in and look up.. you see the calm that’s beyond all this chaos, you see the vast opportunities and open water that surrounds you. The reflection of the sun on the rippling water. The endless horizon is everything life can offer you.

Suddenly some of these waves aren’t so big.. and you break through them.. you venture out and each wave becomes less frightening.

Anxiety hurts. Depression makes everything dark. Heartache numbs you but guilt. Guilt kills me. Guilt brings on the anxiety, the depression, the heart ache and turmoil. It's the double ended knife, the walking on egg shells, fake pleasantries and the self-loathing. What's there to feel guilty about you ask? It's everything and nothing but mostly its living and it's dying.