Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, how would you know? Third of all, I mooch because I’m lazy and I really thought you would’ve gotten that through your head by now. And I can testify that your breath is fucking horrible in the morning yet you play it off with that weird hot stretch thing you do like you didn’t just literally stun me with your breath.

Do you always have to make these lists? Because first of all fuck you, second of all they're fucking annoying, and third of all, they're fucking annoying. Everybody has horrible morning breath, you can't hold that against me, it's not fair.

We have, but I still don’t see the bad part you always talk about. I think you need to be a little nicer, True. Just some stuff! Boy stuff. Trace stuff. You might just have to all around make new pudding because I don’t know if you’ll want it after it’s been sitting next to that thing. It is not it’s what I grew up on! Oh god, we’re not even officially dating or anything. Not to mention we haven’t even come close to any of that– You don’t need to know that, oh my god.

She's evil, I promise. She's just good at hiding it, but she bullies me. You should see the way she talks to me, it's just fucking bullying. Well I told her you were my friend first, so I don't think you should continue being friends with her. What if it crawls into my pudding bowl? I'd be fucking pissed. Didn't you grab it? That's pretty close Felicity, you sound handsy.

It is not. I know plenty of fucking girls that are younger than me that get on there for makeup shit and workouts that they’ll never do. How do you know? I’m extremely lazy, and I’ve only ever made you pudding. That in no way means I’m not some secret gourmet fucking chef. More like he wouldn’t know what to do with himself because he’s so mesmerized by how good I look in the mornings.

But you're still not that type. Your make up would be better. That's the fact I'm naming. Also, because you haven't even made yourself any good food either, you've just mooched off of everybody else besides the pudding. I've woken up next to you every fucking morning for the last month, I can testify against that.

Why’s that? I really like Marlena, she’s very good at giving advice and being very, um.. Forward with that advice. I don’t wanna poke it with a ten foot pole, no thank you, nope. You’re the guy, you do it! Oh my god– Truett, no. Everyone is trying really hard to scare me away from him, I think.

Because she's an asshole. We've talked about this before, Felicity. What did she give you advice on? I bet I know better. But I don't want to either and it's blocking my pudding That's sexist! We're equals. Or maybe they're saying it because it's true and they're just trying to warn you before you get in too deep.

I don’t know, there weren’t any questions like that when I signed on. Maybe you need not be so fucking judgmental, Scruffy. I’ll never be a fucking housewife, whether I knew how to cook or not. Whatever lucky bastard that got to marry me would be fed with Oreo pudding and mac and cheese only.

It's not judgmental, it's naming the fucking facts. You can't cook anything besides instant pudding, and I can't say that's exactly a skill. My 9 year old sister can do that. That'll be good for the first two weeks but then he has to still wake up to you every single morning so he's not that fucking lucky.

What? No, I swear, this wasn’t me. Someone must have just saved it and then completely forgot it existed. It looks so old, though, oh god. Poke it and see if it winks at you.

Well that's good because I'd hate to think you were spending more time with Marlena. She's a bad influence. Maybe it's his one of his things and he just forgot about it. I don't wanna poke it, that's what I called you over here for, I need you to move it. You're dating Trace, my gag reflex is a lot weaker than yours.

But Truett, I found it on Pinterest so you know it has to be better than it looks. Just try it, it’ll make your fucking life.

Don't you have to be like 30 and own a cat to get a pinterest? Or at least pass a series of cooking and crafting tests to prove you're worthy? Because I can't imagine you being Suzy Homemaker enough to even be allowed on there.

You know, I think it was trying to be casserole but it died before its time came. Don’t make too much fun of it, that’s sad.

Is this your doing, Felicity? Did you assist Marlena with this mess? Because if so I'm pretty sure you're banned from the fucking kitchen after this now.

That’s actually my newest creation and I’m really fucking hurt you’d be so rude.

For the love of God, please stay away from the fucking kitchen for the rest of your life for anything besides oreo pudding.

“Geez, what crawled up your ass? You’re not the tallest guy around either!” 

“You’re welcome. And fuck you, I’m 5′1″! That’s well within non midget-range, thank you very much. And I bet anything I could out-eat your scrawny ass.”

"5'1"? That's like three fucking inches over. So hop off your miniature pony, because you're not that far from one. I'm not saying that you couldn't, but that's a big ass bowl so I don't think you could finish it."

“I expect you to eat by getting food, putting a spoon in it, bringing the food to your mouth via the spoon and swallowing,” said April dryly. “Just move it if you want it gone! If I move it I’m taking the pudding.”

Oh thank you, I was never fucking sure on just how you were supposed to do that. You can have half the pudding. Actually, I don't think your tiny self can even handle that much, it's a lot of pudding and you're like legally a midget I'm pretty fucking sure.

Okay, Mr. Tough Man, whatever you say. The worst thing it could do would be laying eggs in your pudding and then you’ll have a stomach full of spider larvae– but the chances of that happening are only at half.

Does that really sound like something I would want? A bunch of baby spiders living in my insides? They eat their mothers, what makes you think they wouldn't eat me too? Just deal with it and come get me when you're done.

“Yeah, sorry, I’ve got no shame in saying I’m a total fucking wuss. I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole, drugged and wearing a hazmat suit.” 

"But how do you expect me to eat? Can we figure out who's it is and then vote them out of the fucking house for being a disgusting animal? I bet it's Marlena, she's like half raccoon I'm pretty sure, and they harbor garbage."

It’s just a baby spider– it wouldn’t kill me even if it wanted to.

Whatever it is, it's too close to my fucking pudding, so eat it, get rid of it, I don't give a shit, I don't want it near my food.