i guess this is the truth

i had an annual appointment with the ob today and holy shit does that speculum shit feel like an assault

an hour later i still was trying to calm my nerves and convince my body we aren’t under attack

medical spaces are already a lot without that part

i forget how trauma is really physiological. it’s a little scary how my body can’t distinguish this event from a traumatic attack

also, they’re getting estimates for the make ready work on my house which is anxiety producing as well

i pray it’s not many thousands of dollars to get it turned over and ready

also, i’ve had to jump through so many hoops as it relates to the bonus i received and my retirement accounts

it feels like 1,000 steps to just keep some of this bonus and not just hand it all over to taxes and it’s stressful to think you may do something wrong and get taxed heavily anyway

why is the system like that?

i pray to my spiritual support team for strength and guidance

despite my anxiety, i am grateful for many things

the ability to have access to healthcare and health information and women’s health

the knowledge of knowing my traumas and how i might be triggered and living a happy life every day despite what i’ve been through

i’m grateful i own a house and get to move to denver and have money to do these repairs (even if i don’t want to)

i am also grateful to have received a bonus at all, let alone one of that size, and grateful to even experience the amount of money that comes with tax sheltering strategies etc

thank you god universe and angels for bringing me these things

i pray you will continuously protect me. i pray that you will heal my body, mind and spirit and keep me thriving in all ways

i am grateful for every gift, every good day and every moment i get to spend in this life that was picked for me

right now the stress of being a homeowner feels like a lot. i’m handling it like i always do but the AC has been on the fritz this week and the internet has been annoying and honestly it just feels like there’s always something

it is a gift that i was chosen to live this life and not another

it’s a gift that people would kill to be in my situation; hell, the old me would kill to be in my situation

the universe knows my heart - i am exceptionally and eternally grateful for every single blessing and gift

and you know what, i want to take a minute for my damn self as well

i am blessed to be able to SEE the signs of the universe and that they appear to me so clearly

i am blessed by the FORCES on the other side of the veil that cover me and conspire for my success

i am blessed by the SPIRIT that guides me from within to be successful

and the DRIVE i have learned during my time on this earth

thank you universe, ancestors, gods and spirits - my celestial team of divine protection

i just want to be considered and i feel like that doesn’t come natural in this space

it would’ve meant a lot to me if you would’ve stayed up for 5 mins to ask me how my day was. or ask me anything at all. but you’re tired and can’t stay up another minute so i guess that’s that.

it’s really the consideration for me - if you would’ve said babe i’m so tired but i’d love to talk to you for just 10 mins that would’ve meant the world to me

i rushed home from my family’s to be with you at a reasonable hour and you can’t even stay up with me for 5 minutes

i guess i just ask too much in that area too? i guess its too much for me to hope that my partner wants to see me after literally not seeing me for one second the whole day

that’s honestly annoying and rude. and again for the one hundred millionth time i’m doing so much and you’re doing nothing. i was dying to get back to you, couldn’t help but say how much i missed you and you literally couldn’t be up with me for a five minutes.

it’s okay. i know you don’t see these little things and you don’t think they matter but to me they do. i’ve always said women and men don’t understand each other. and maybe im just too special and too sensitive and too much everything else but damn sometimes i just want to be considered after literally not being together the whole day.

sometimes i feel this restlessness, this dull ache of melancholy and pang of grief, and it feels like an old friend i can’t quite remember

but when i reopen this journal and i read the words ive written here, im devastated for me. i remember that this same body held itself together (even just barely) in the deepest grips of evil. in the throes of narcissistic and physical abuse.

this body who fought time and time again for someone that constantly changed the score. and you might ask why i would do that. it’s really a good question

i guess we can all only be who we are. flaws and all. it sounds so stupid but we do what we feel is necessary to find love and keep it

and although i’m free from that actual situation my mind still feels broken. i still feel frazzled from where that situation burned my nerves to pieces

so i just do my best, but some days i don’t win. some days i still question my sanity. i struggle to understand other people and myself. i stay looking for answers that will help me repair

but god damn am i sad for me sometimes.

i really didn’t deserve what happened to me. i didn’t deserve any of the terrible things that have happened to me. and the fear and the energetic aftermath of those events still lives inside me. still haunts the dark corners of my brain. still pops up in a flash of memory in this house i occupy at the very scene of the crime.

and holy shit i am sad for me.

it’s weird cause i feel like no one understands this but me. i still try to communicate but it’s almost too painful to explain.

i guess it comes out in misinterpreted emotional responses and sensitivities.

sometimes a small thing happens but mentally it makes me spiral so far. despite all my success and the love i give, im still just a little girl who never received love without a price. so i guess i was well set up for an abuser or two to find. i knew that receiving love cost things, and i always had to pay.

i’ve also been told often i didn’t deserve love. because im too much. because im inherently flawed or imperfect. because i have a really long history of trauma and it does impact my emotional responses.

it’s always hurt me that people will sooner write me off for being dramatic or problematic than try to understand where i’m coming from or where ive been.

and that’s the story of my life.

i truly do believe that for some reason it’s really hard for people to understand how i feel. and maybe that’s my fault? maybe i can’t communicate well or don’t do it right. but i’ve always just wished for someone to understand me instead of judge.

i’m frustrated cause i’m telling T “i miss you” “i feel like we haven’t spent much quality time together this week” and it feels like it’s frustrating him?

frustrating him that i want to hang out???????? that i love him and want to feel closer to him????

that seems fucking insane.

i just feel unsupported emotionally. if i’m upset about something, he doesn’t know how to respond. the response i’m looking for? “i’m sorry baby. how are you feeling? are you okay? how can i help?”

and i guess that’s too much?

i also feel like im the only one making this a relationship. i’m always asking for kisses, hugs, can we go on a date, etc. if i didn’t do those things, we would probably literally just be friends

it’s really hard cause we got in a bad fight last weekend where he said i always make him feel terrible about himself, and like he’s not doing enough

and i don’t want him to feel that way, but i want to feel adored in my relationship. in general if something isn’t sitting right for me i want to be able to say it.

i want to feel cherished, valued, seen, honored

and with him, this week, i feel like an inconvenience. a burden. something he has to keep doing more for.

i guess that’s not fair to either one of us.

i get these sad feelings and then i feel alone. because i know if i bring up my feelings he’s going to see it as me asking for something else or saying he’s not good enough. and im not saying that at all but i do have needs

i still cry, i still bleed

i still exist closer to the veil of the universe that separates the living from the dead

and it’s easy to forget that sometimes

to be lulled into the perceived safety of everyday life

but then something happens, and i remember how many times ive almost slipped right through to the other side

how seamless of a transition it feels like it would be sometimes

i know there are people out there that don’t hear the rushing winds of the universe right beyond the grip of this reality

most people don’t feel the pull of gravitational force that could whisk me right away into another dimension

and sometimes i envy them for that

because on hard days like today, i still feel that calling.

to return home to stardust, to become a metaphorical and energetic part of this universe instead of a physical being

sometimes it just feels like it would be easier that way.

but i still fight and i try. try to stay in the light. try to stay on this side of the curtain. try to drown out the sounds of the cosmic winds whipping past the tiniest fragment of energy that separates those in body and those in spirit.

it’s hard because i guess, i’ll never not be me. i will struggle. i will have hard days. sometimes the energetic pull is so strong, i wonder if it will drag me through the tiniest pinhole in the veil and ill just slip through to the other side.

why do i live a life so close to that reality? it hurts. some people have no idea what im talking about let alone what it feels like. they have no idea how many times i told the veil to take me anyway. said that i didn’t want to feel the pain of this physical body anyway.

and yet here i stand. bruised. beaten. but i’m here. i still fight every day against the demons of a past i never wanted but somehow allowed to happen.

thank you for always putting me in the room where things happen

today at the work event i went to for our vendor i really felt my presence was valued

i feel energized and exhilarated to be back here

unfortunately everything T is doing is getting on my nerves and i’m trying to figure out why

what upsets me is sometimes i feel like he responds to my feelings in an unempathetic way, and when it upsets me he either doesn’t care or doesn’t act

and that makes me feel uncared for

it makes me feel like my emotions are too much and i shouldn’t share them

it makes me feel like i need to be less of myself by making my thoughts and emotions smaller

it makes me feel like i’m too much for one person, or maybe several people

and i hate that feeling.

sometimes things just upset me. i just need you to genuinely care how i feel and be empathetic even if you don’t understand or feel the same way

is that too much to ask?

and at the same time, i’m feeling ready to explore relationships with women again

idk if it’s because i’m not getting fully fulfilled emotionally (and maybe i can’t be by a man?) or because im just ready but the timing feels like it’s soon

i’m a lot. maybe it just takes more than one person to support me in that way.

i hate feeling like i’m upset and no one cares. i hate feeling like my emotions are a burden to someone. i hate feeling like i have to jump up and down to get you to care about me.

these are all my childhood traumas.

and it also pisses me off that K is posting so often on ig these days. she has so much to say and so much fun to share but she couldn’t reach out to me in the literal worst time of my life?

this is that shit i mean by people honestly don’t care. i don’t want to trust anyone at all

it’s hard cause i feel like what would comfort me is to be taken care of. for someone to say, i see you and i love you and i will try to understand. but by opening yourself up to trusting someone that way, you open yourself up to the possibility they may not be able to handle what you put out there and it could leave you feeling even worse

i guess i’m mad at myself a little for trusting someone so soon even though i feel like they can’t be everything i need them to be

but i’m bothered by the fact that T and I’s sex life has already started to cool off

we used to have sex like 3x a day… we haven’t even had sex 3x this week

and call me selfish but i don’t like it.

i don’t feel like a spoiled girl if i have to ask for it; or if i feel like you resent me for it

last weekend you made a comment about me being a heathen related to sex and i feel like that negative comment has somewhat changed the trajectory of our sex life this week

i guess since you said that, i haven’t wanted to seem too desperate for it

so i’ve just waited to see what would happen

and what’s happened? meh. basically nothing.

i think you’re enjoying the playing house part and tbh i guess sex is still important for me

but i don’t want to seem like a brat.

but you sleeping here 5 nights and me coming like.. twice? the math is a little fucked on that if i’m honest

i don’t want to play house with no sex. i’ve played that game a lot and im not really interested in it right now.

and i don’t want to seem harsh about this cause this is literally the first week its happened

but i feel like im sleeping like shit cause i’m used to coming before bed when you’re here and lately im just watching you snore

i hate that for me

it doesn’t align with me doing whatever i want every day all the time. it just doesn’t

and i know if i bring it up it’ll be really devastating to you and that’s not what im trying to do

but fuck if a girl was getting laid this wouldn’t be a problem

now i’m starting to catch a bad attitude and shit and i don’t want to be that person to you

i don’t even really know what i feel. kind or restless, unsettled, unsatisfied.

she said exactly what i’d expect her to say - sorry doesn’t cover it blah blah blah

but the truth is, it’s too late

this person abandoned me when i was literally in the most dangerous situation of my life

this person knew i was being actively physically harmed and they turned their back on me

on their best friend of 16 years

i can’t do the mental gymnastics that would equate to the conclusion that this person cares about me

there’s no way to make that make sense in my brain

and even now, when she’s reaching out to say what i “would” want her to say

i still know it’s about her and not about me.

her birthday is in 2 days and it’s the first time in 16 years i haven’t been there to make her feel special

and as a leo, i know she feels that

but i genuinely feel like the timing of her reaching out is all about the fact that she hopes that for the one millionth time i’m gonna be the bigger person. she hopes im gonna put the betrayal aside and come out to celebrate her on her birthday

and honestly, this bitch has lost her damn mind.

it won’t be me. it couldn’t be me

you have betrayed me too deeply and too throughly for me to do that

i don’t even think she deserves a reply from me.

she could not have been clearer with her actions that she didn’t care about me. and for that, i have to protect my peace

a dog i loved and called my own

i can’t help but feel immense sadness even though i hadn’t seen this dog in years

that love never goes away

and i’m grateful to have known and loved Maui.

it also gives me a moment of reverence for where my life has taken me

in some version of the story, i moved to Denver with Mel in 2017 and maybe somewhere else after that

maybe we got married and had other animals and career shifts and we supported each other

it’s weird to think of that life, when i think of everything ive gone through since then

and i don’t have regrets but for some reason i do still feel pain.

i feel pain that i wasn’t there for Maui, even though that doesn’t make sense

i feel pain for all the versions of me after Mel that still fought so hard to be loved and worthy of love

i feel pain for all the mistakes i’ve made and all the ways i’ve made my life more difficult

and i feel scared that i’ll never figure it out. i feel scared to have another 10 years of back to back exes and heartbreaks. i feel scared that maybe i haven’t learned anything since our breakup in 2017.

i know logically that doesn’t make sense but i feel grief.

i feel that in the last 10 years i’ve lost a lot. i’m still happy with the life i have but ive lost many people who promised to love me forever.

maybe i’m not worth the loving forever thing? maybe im the chaos? maybe im the problem?

when i’m alone i still want to be chosen. to be loved. although it may seem sometimes like im so surrounded with people who love me i have such a deep fear that it will all go away. i’ve seen it happen so many times.

there are so many times in this last 10 years i didn’t think id be alive to see this day. and by some miracle im still here. a few more scars and stories, but im still standing.

i hope i’m learning. i hope im getting smarter. i hope i find peace and less regret in the future.

i hope i’m doing the right thing. i hope i don’t look back and feel more grief.

i leave for a month long trip in a few days and this is probably the last time i’ll see T for a bit

and he asked to hang out at his house so his mom can braid his hair

and selfishly, i don’t want to because id rather have sex 🤷🏾‍♀️

so i know that makes me a brat. but im gonna be in a dry spell for a few weeks and now its starting one day earlier than i had planned… ugh

how annoying 🙄

it’s too bratty for me to say no i’m not coming. have your mom do your hair another time and come fuck my instead…

but don’t get me wrong i thought about it.

and i’m still the princess in his life.

in other news, it’s been a year and one day since my ex blew our lives to smithereens

i really didn’t want to be told what to do in any way

i was okay with this because i felt like it was adding to my life in a “yes, and” way

but now i’m starting to feel like there are rules and restrictions and i’m starting to get anxious…

first of all, i’ve always said “i can still fuck girls / have a girlfriend” and that was one of the main ways that he got me to agree to this

but now i can only fuck girls that he might want to fuck too…

and now i can’t make plans with anyone else on fridays regardless of the fact that he sees me more than literally anyone else

i’m starting to feel trapped and antsy and i don’t like it

i need to feel free, unrestricted

and maybe that’s not fair to him

but i feel like it’s not fair to me either to have all these rules when im supposed to be having time to myself to figure out what i want right now

we smiled and laughed. we were so happy to see each other

she saw me across the room at an event and thought me something sweet

it might’ve been a candy or an ice cream

i don’t remember but i remember the joy with which we met each other and hugged

and that feels like a gift and a tease at the same time

but i hope it means she is sending me love in the universe as i am to her