5. Ballsportverein Borussia Dortmund 

this one is actually a joke but i still have to mention it as the rivalry in the beginning of the 2010's did lead bayern to develop a much more determined and stricter mentality when it comes to domination and winning trophies. a little timeline:

1.heimniederlage der münchner in der Bundesliga wegen den bvb

first of, like many clubs, dortmund tend to have periods of great success and then fall from grace. in the nineties they were quite strong and that is where the first signs of a rivalry began to emerge. 

2003 ish: Bayern lends dortmund some money to alleviate some of the financial strain bc these idiots decided to become a aktiengesellschaft and bottled it as with everything they do. crucially the public does not learn about that until years later. 

2010: dortmund wins the meisterschaft and the pokal. bayern wins fuck all but at the time it was okay to go trophyless for one season.

2012: bayern goes trophyless once more but! 1.they lose to dortmund in the final of the pokal. 2. they lose the meisterschaft to dortmund. 3. the finale dahoam is lost against fucking chelsea. in our beautiful allianz arena. even non bayern fans were heartbroken. bad times.

as you can guess the atmosphere at the time was not great for bayern fans. the most painful results in many supporters lifetimes and it felt like the entirety of germany was mocking us. especially the bees. so when the next season rolled around the players where determined to not let us down a second time and to share the joy of winning with the fans again. and they did. the season 12/13 will forever be famous to me for this. but back to our rivalry with the bees. bc yes then it was a rivalry i and many other bayern fans hated their guts for keeping our birthright (the meisterschale) away from us. so the boys won the bundesliga with a record number of points. they won the pokal. and then, in wembley, we triumphed against these ugly ass ruhrpott peasants. we are the champions and they are dirt in the sole of our shoes. and yes, we may or may not have taken a few key players from them but mats was ours first, and these dumb cunts couldn't promise to play europe so mario götze and robert l. went to us. 

now, it was a rivalry especially during these years and during the klopp/pep era but both left. so what are we left with? a winner mentality that no matter how disastrous we play we always retain and bitter dortmund fans that baselessly accuse us of buying the ref and of bayern dusel when we are just playing better with a better mentality for sure (as last season proved). also, this rivalry is kinda at a dead point. there is no longer the intense hatred you felt when talking about the other club. someone wisely said that we're not really rivals if we're kicking their ass all the time (i can't find the post sorry :(). but also i think what niklas levinsohn said in this video from minute 37:28 - 44:54 and this comment

whenever someone asks me, who was a child at the time of the highest tension between the clubs, if i hate bvb, i' ll say no, but as soon as fc bayern meets them on a field i want them all dead. 

sum it up best: we have not forgotten your words and we have come to make you pay back tenfold. that is what happens when you poke the bear, as Calcio Berlin said so well.

bonus: this post is god tier.

4. Borussia Mönchengladbach 

this one was mostly a sporting rivalry because munich and m'gladbach are not close geographically. (unless you take into account the historical bitch off between the north and the south) but we share jupp heynckes as a club legend so. it's a bit more of an old one and it has greatly fizzled out in recent decades bc of gladbachs shit form and consistency. so let's go down memory lane!

fun fact: both clubs moved up to the bundesliga at the same time! it's fate guys.

the heyday of this rivalry was in the 70's: from 1969 to 1977 the bundesliga was won exclusively by these two clubs with gladbach winning 5 to munich's 4 :(. 

legendary matches include: the match of the 18th of may 1974  last matchday were fcb lost 0:5 but no one cared bc one week prior fcb won the league. also, 18 hours earlier, fcb had won its first champions league so everyone was either drunk or hangover. 

on the 24th of march 1979 fcb atomised the fohlen 7:1. absolute iconic match. 

here the context is king. it was less about the result and against who and more about the fight for decision making power in the club. that season bayern was playing like shit. the president at the time, wilhelm neudecker, was angry with how the team was playing, especially after the humiliating 0:4 defeat against recently promoted arminia bielefeld. when he saw that the players didn't react at the tongue lashing he gave them after the game, he decided to bring in the austrian max merkel. now, a bit of background on that guy. he was known for purposefully dressing the players down in training, in the press and after games. he was never satisfied and had during years criticized the bayern players. and neudecker thought that he would be a good replacement for pal csernai, to whip the players into shape and break their spirit. and the players weren't big fans of csernai, but they did like him much much more than merkel. so neudecker began criticizing csernai in the press and when the players, represented by sepp maier, questioned this and asked for csernai to stay, he answered that if they got two points in two games, csernai would stay. the players worked hard to get a 0:0 draw against braunschweig and thus got the first of two points despite having a fever (maier), intestinal flu (breitner) and ligament stretch (rummenigge) bc they were fighting for their honor. 

but of course, neudecker never had the intention of keeping his word. and thus he announced on television that merkel would be coming to säbener str before the second game. the players learned about that at the same time as everyone else. you can imagine that they were not amused in the slightest. also they were at the airport. so captain sepp maier got as many players as possible together and had them vote: csernai or neudecker and merkel. without much surprise, csernai won. maier went the managing director walter fembeck and told him to tell neubecker that if merkel was at training on monday, the team would not come. neudecker told maier to call him when he got home. i think he did that so that neudecker could blow his fuse at seppl and avoid airing bayern dirty laundry at an airport. anyway, he did get spitting mad and told maier that he was a "union leader, an anarchist". maier retorted that he was the captain and that he only represented the opinion of the team. 

at 9 on monday, the team came to train and only five minutes later were informed that neudecker had stepped back from his role bc he "couldn't lead fc bayern when the players are against me" (paraphrased). 

on saturday, bayern won 7:1 against gladbach in the biggest fuck you neudecker i have ever seen. the abendzeitung gave all players a note of 1, a first. 

this power tussle opened the way for a new era. amongst new success, uli hoeneß also soon became manager, at only 27 years. 

28th of july 2001 bayern lost 0:1 as current champions league winners and gladbach as newly promoted after a two year stint in second bundesliga. the three point deficit would later lead to fcb losing the title fight to the bee's. 

2nd of march 2019: fcb was second, gladbach was third. fcb needed that win to stay in championship contention against bvb. luckily fcb won 5:1 and won the league.

nowadays, our meetings with gladbach are mostly memorable bc they manage to make us miserable by beating us or putting us in difficult spots while being very much the worse team on paper. 

bonus: this wonderful post

3. 1.FC Nürnberg

now THAT'S a regional rivalry that i like! it has a historical, sporting and cultural background. the only reason it is not very publicized anymore is because Nürnberg is in 2. Liga and not very relevant anymore.

culturally, Nürnberg represents franconia, who sadly is a region of the Land of Bayern. see, Franken are very weird ppl (see the current Ministerpresident of bavaria) and they and bavarians have an… interesting relationship. Basically, franconians are not big fans of bavarian arrogance bc they themselves have nothing to be proud about.

historically, frankonia was added to the kingdom of bavaria by Napoleon and the widely protestant franconia was ruled by the catholic munich. The city of nürnberg, who enjoyed some independence beforehand, were not amused, even less so when a lot of art was moved to munich. a franconian identity formed in the 19th century, mostly in opposition to bavarian identity. the independence movement died down with the unification of germany but cultural, political and economic differences between franconia and bavaria remain (with franconia being not so well off). nowadays, the enmity has  simmered down but no one really knows where it began, we just know we're not buddies. 

now, onto the game! these two clubs are the most successful clubs in in the Land of bavaria. it is also the derby with the third most games played in germany. they were also both created in the same year. 

where nürnberg was created by  working class ppl, fc bayern was created by academicians. also, nürnberg was the club who was rekordmeister... until bayern caught up and left them in the dust. 

the first clash was in 1901 in a friendly (i love foreshadowing). Bayern won 6:0 and reportedly tipped 15:0 before the game in a display of absolute BDE. the first nürnberger win was in 1906 with a mere 4:3. they began to clash regularly in 1907.

before WWII, nürnberg was very clearly the better team and won most of the games and championships. after the war, this pattern continued. 

but fear not, dear bayernblrinas, this is fc bayern we're talking about. serving massive cunt is in our dna. the very same season bayern won their first bundesliga title, FCN was relegated. sweet, sweet karma. and FCN keeps fluctuating between bundesliga and 2. Bundesliga all while bayern surpassed their records in 1987. 

no derby is complete without some good ole refereeing errors. so! 

dfb pokalfinale 1982: FCN lead 2:0 at halftime. after a 2:2 draw, in the 72. minute, a penalty was wrongly awarded to munich, which they converted and won us the pokal. oops. 

september 1985: an absolue shitshow look it up yourselves but i think the quote by the trainer of the fcn trainer at the time is mildly funny: "if we're better, bayern wins. If we're equal, bayern wins. If they're better, well they win anyway." 

1994: relegation battle for fcn. they needed one point. we got a phantom goal awarded, we won 2:1, we had to redo the game and won 5:0. they were relegated and we won the league. suck it. 

september 2005: another of our goals was wrongly  awarded bc of offside and we won 2:1. another hissy fit from the franconians: "the referees shit themselves, when they have to decide against bayern. I wish they were braver, without fear of hoeneß yelling outside." 

nowadays, fc bayern is the better team and the last time we clashed in a competitive setting was 2007.

2. Real Madrid CF

oh yeah man. the rivalry you will only see on the biggest stage of european football. two different footballing cultures clashing with nothing but contempt for one another. delicious. give me more. it is the spanish that popularized the nickname "la bestia negra" for bayern. that in turn really begs the question: how did these two clubs who meet rarely even become such big rivals? short answer, both are winners, refuse to lose and want to be the biggest, baddest bitch in the neighborhood uefa club ranking. 

long answer? oh boy

50's and 60's, real madrid was without the shadow of a doubt the best club in europe. they were winning left and right. but they faltered in the 70's. and that was exactly the time where bayern was the best club. that alone is enough ground for some people to call it a rivalry but it gets better! (or worse, your choice). the 70's were when their first clash took place. In a friendly. oh, but what a friendly that was. 

(This is not an extensive list of matches) 

14 of august 1973, estadio santiago bernabeu: bayern wins 5:1 but the first tensions are already there. 

1976: first competitive match. semifinal of the champions league. it goes 1:1 and 2:0 for bayern with gerd müller scoring all three goals for bayern. an angry real fan clocked him in the face in retaliation. sepp maier and uli hoeneß hit back but the spanish stewards did... let's say, not move much. another fan clocked the linesman in the face. uefa was not happy about the latter (and only the latter). the bernabeu was closed off for 5 years at first, then for 3 games. the traitors paul breitner and günther netzer, bayern players who moved to madrid, were booed relentlessly in the olympiastadion each time they touched the ball. 

1980: a friendly again! but this time bayern won 9:1 at home. embarrassing. madrid was broke and it was an easy way of making money and did not play seriously whereas bayern did. at the half time point of 7:0, bayern subbed off a good chunk of the main squad. coach boskov said "better to lose once with nine goals, than nine times with one".

1981: summer competition in madrid over the santiago bernabeu trophy. It is mostly worth mentioning bc the trophy that bayern won was found years later to be stored beneath the staircase. ups. 

1987: semifinal of the champions league (sense a pattern?) the match devolved into an outright battle. the home game in munich ended 4:1 for bayern saw a brutal foul from  juan gomez gonzalez 'juanito' (the one who coined "novento minuti en el bernabeu san molto longo") on lothar matthäus as revenge for a prior foul of matthäus on chendo. loddar was already on the ground when juanito stomped multiple times on his head. though no heavy injury was sustained, it did not help the general atmosphere of grudge holding and petty malice that shrouds a bayern madrid match. juanito was barred from playing in the champions league for five years and died four years later in a car accident. 

the away game had its own violence, with bars of metal, stones and batteries being thrown on the pitch. bayern's goalkeeper at the time, pfaff, reportedly only missed a knife by a few centimeters. the game ended 0:1 for madrid but bayern advanced. klaus augenthaler got a red.He also provoked the madridistas by mimicking bullhorns with his fingers. uefa once again did nothing against the blatant endangering if the players by the madrid fans. 

1986: quarterfinals of the champions league. bayern lead most of the game 3:0 until they faltered and madrid scored twice. bayern decided the game in madrid in their favor but this bad result lead pfaff to leave the club. 

2001: semifinals, champions league, bla bla bla. you know the music. bayern triumphed 1:0, 2:1. and won the whole damn thing. 

2002: quarterfinals. uli hoeneß called madrid a farce, a circus. oli kahn said that the galacticos were only good at making pretty advertisement spots and said that bayern would surely win. madrid won. 

2004: round of sixteen. claudio pizarro said before the match that they would "gift these apes five goals". madrid won. without roberto carlos. 

2007: round of sixteen 2:3 in madrid, ex barça player mark van bommel provokes the madridistas with a corta de mangas (the stronger middle finger variant done with the arms). uefa bans him for a game. 

the game in munich had a boiling ambiance to it from the start. madrid went into deficit from the 10th second onward thanks to THEE goal by roy makaay. The vibes were so explosive that it is rumored that the whistling in the olympiastadion managed to trouble roberto carlos's concentration and led to his ballverlust. both sides got yellow red cards (among them van bommel of course). rt ended 2:1 for bayern. ramos got a bloody nose. 

2012: it ended 3-3 on aggregate and bayern won the penalty shootout (only to lose to chelsea in the finale dahoam). 

2014: semifinals. real won 5-0 on aggregate. they ended up winning the ucl. 

2017: quarterfinals. madrid won 6-3 on aggregate bc they cheated and bought the referees. they won the ucl in similar fashion. as kalle rummenigge said "wir sind beschissen worden". the spanish police also attacked bayern fans, which uefa did not address.

2018: semifinals. much the same except madrid won 4-3 on aggregate. 

europe's two colossus are the clubs that have met the most often on the european stage (which is really the only time they can play against each other). the reason why they clash is bc they are the top two best clubs in europe, they are consistently delivering big wins and trophies. even their weakest eras are ripe with titles. so they want to assert their superiority and to do that they have to defeat the other and still respect the other clubs drive to win and success (sometimes). real recognizes real and though both sides call the other names we'd both prefer playing against the other than against the other fraudulent clubs in europe. and this is why it is the european classic. while madrid has the better numbers when coming into these match ups (but only since 2012), real madrid fans do not underestimate bayern (unlike english pundits) bc of bayern's history of winning big aswell and of course, the bestia negra. current numbers as of 21/04/ 2024, madrid 11 wins - 2 draws - 11 wins bayern (roughly). all in all,  we love to hate each other. And we agree on one thing: pointing and laughing at barca. 

dishonorable mentions

basically these are "rivalries" created bc of regional proximity.

FC Augsburg

they are in the same Land. that's enough for some ppl apparently. even though they're swabian instead of bavarian (like hoeneß).

SC Freiburg

in the south of germany.

VfB Stuttgart

in the south of germany bis.

(what these silly "rivalries" tell us is that everyone wants to have the big fcb as their rival but thats not true, these clubs are more or less irrelevant in the fcb history book. also, ppl are desperate to see us humbled by being beaten by a "rival")

1.TSV 1860 München

these cunts. this is the fight for vorherrschaft over the city of munich. due to the clubs close geographical proximity, the history is long and intense. the first game was played  on the 21 of september 1902, two years after the founding of fc bayern münchen and three years after the founding of 1859+1 football department, which bayern won 3-0.  It is the second most televised football derby in germany despite the last competitive meeting being in 2008 (bc these frauds fell off). bayern was the winner in this period and won the german title first in 1932 (tsv had reached the final of this competition a year earlier and DIDN'T WIN). 

after hitler got to power in 1933, all football clubs were expected to follow the regimes ideology. jewish members had to leave, which put fc bayern especially in a difficult spot. both clubs did follow nazi law aiming at excluding jewish citizens from society, but fc bayern was still marked as the "club of jews" and tsv was very comfortable with aligning themselves with the nazi regime and being quite close to it. tsv was the more successful club in between 1933-1945.

post ww2, football became more popular but due to the dividing of germany between the allied forces creating a german championship was tricky. so both clubs played in the oberliga süd, a league of clubs in the us zone created by the us military. and it is here that the rivalry took shape. as a lot of other munich clubs went under bc of the harsh economic conditions and as only these two remained,well... 

we write the year 1963. the brand new shiny bundesliga is about to make its debut. but uh oh. who is going to represent the oberliga süd. there are two options: tsv 1860 münchen or fc bayern münchen. logically you would think, the one who finished higher in the oberliga rankings of the last 12 years. oh my sweet summer child, how naive you are. tsv got a license for the bundesliga, and munich was held behind bc they were lacking a "sporting past". now if you allow me to put on my half tinfoil half detective hat on, i'll say that old connections are hard to forget if you catch my drift. that year spent in a lower league was actually quite beneficial for bayern as it allowed its young talents to hone themselves and get a bit more game time with less pressure. who are these young talents you ask? Oh no one big. gerd müller, franz beckenbauer, sepp maier. total nobodies. Im sure they wont be incredibly important for the success of bayern and germany in the future or be an influential figure in the sport. oh wait. (note: please look up how many bayern players rejected tsv for bayern and their reasoning its hilarious ). bayern did join the bundesliga (duh) and with tsv made munich the football capital of west germany. and bayern joining the bundesliga was the beginning of a fun pattern: bayern is successful , tsv is failing, bayern stays successful, tsv comes back and so on. 

the 1970's followed this pattern perfectly and tsv ended up in the third league in 1982. and this continued until 1994. but during these years were they were rotting in the lower leagues as god intended, they decided to brand themselves as a "working class club" and bayern was the "elitist club". and while that is not totally untrue, it is also a gross globalization of bayern's fanbase. but hey what do you want from these illiterate Giesinger Buern. 

1994 to 2004 was the years were the derbys were the strongest. both clubs were putting up a fight and were playing good football. bayern was still on top but tsv was now more than a subject of mockery. they became real competitors. hell, tsv played in the champions league in these years. with the perspective of the 2006 world cup in germany, bayern and tsv agreed to build a new stadium in münchen frötmanning (yes it is our beloved allianz arena. yes it is shocking) in 2000. leaving the Olympiastadion was controversial in and of itself but working hand in hand with these evil bastards???? needless to say it was quite a subject of debate amongst fans. 

when both clubs moved into the allianz arena in 2005, bayern was in the bundesliga as always and tsv had just been relegated. in april 2006, tsv sold its  parts of the stadiums ownership to the fcb bc of financial strife, making bayern the sole owner and sole revenue getter. only one competitive derby game was played in the allianz arena, which was won by bayern. a day before, a few bayern fans painted the west curve of the grünwalderstadion (tsv's traditional stadium. it's ugly) white and red (colors of bayern). (note: stadium building drama is very big in these last few years. i promise it is worth a read). 

nowadays, the only place tsv and bayern will meet in is in 3.Liga and its fc bayern II. Which leads me to the 

Amateur derby

aaahhhhh now that is beautiful. you see, bc it was majorly played between the second teams of both clubs, it was played in the third and fourth division. and that means that it got spicyyyyyyy. this derby were the games with the most attendance for both teams and it was televised in 2014. an amateur derby! televised! no really, its worth looking up. 

bayern won 104 of 204 games (including test games), tsv 49 times and 51 draws. a nice little thing to watch out for if you are in munich is the "sticker war" in the underground stations. it's just looking for the stickers the ultras stick on ramps and poles, they are very creative and also are generally stuck on top of a rivaling clubs sticker. there is a rumor that says that most of munich's residents are tsv fans but there is nothing of substance to  it so i think it's just these losers scraping for boasting material (realistically, i think a lot of people born in the city if asked would choose fc bayern bc it is either the club that they remember winning (my gen onwards), or they are not that interested in football and will choose the one they hear of, or they are from  a rural area and feel more connected to BAYERN munich than tsv münchen, or they are a fan of a third option). 

they use the color of bavaria (light blue and white) and the bavarian lion as their crest but don't have bayern in their name bc they are frauds liars and losers.

bonus: our besties!!!!!!! (Past and present)

(by besties i mean Fanfreundschaften, obv clubs do not have friendships when they compete against each other)

the bayern ultras cofounded the two oldest fan friendships in germany. these friendships often connected people that would not have met. it is easy to boo someone, but what happens if you let love win? well, you create iconic scenes. 

(note: these friendships were established by different fanclubs. fanclubs are groups that put together make an ultra scene. i just thought it was a nice tidbit on the side.) 

VfL Bochum

THEM!!!!!

literally our besties forever and ever. last season they taunted the bees by chanting "deutscher meister wird nur der fcb" three games before the end of the season.

now the friendship with the vfl fans began when bochum attacked munich fans after a home game in 1973. other bochum fans intervened and in true german fashion made peace with huge amounts of beer. bochum was friends with hsv then and when hsv asked bochum to choose between them and munich bochum chose munich! 

bochum fans were then allowed to use the running circuit, an honour bestowed upon only the bestest of friends. many different fanclubs from both sides then formed friendships. when bochum got relegated in the 90's, the friendship waned a bit until the schickeria münchen and the ultras bochum rekindled the magic in 2005. It's been going stronger than ever since then.

it is in my opinion the most well known and most active bayern friendship. 

Hertha BSC

a more dormant one but still this one was established in the late 1960's ish. in 1972, after a 4-0 bayern win in munich, both fans invaded the pitch and celebrated together and if that's not friendship i don't know what is. these good relations apparently rested on a lot of crazy antics and alcohol. very german. ultras from alarmstufe rot and hauptstadt mafia rekindled this one recently. 

Sankt Pauli

there were some contacts in the 70's already for away games against hsv bc of the "common enemy". 

but the real beginning is really funny. basically during the celebrations of the meisterschaft of 2003 went a bit "overboard" shall we say. that which went down in history as the "Sommertheater" was a brawl between police and fans. in consequence, the head honchos at säbener str year round cards amongst them of schickeria members. which, you know, shit idea, bc ultras are not just part of a kind of cult but also lead lives outside of it and some of them have legal knowledge. so this went to court. sankt pauli fans decided to align themselves with bayern ultras and support them in a brave way. you see, at the same time, sankt pauli had quite some financial problems and fc bayern decided to play a "retterspiel" with them (they're their own story). and instead of bending over backwards for this generous action, the ultras criticized the bad handling of fcbs ultras. this impressed the bayern ultras. and also good news, the bosses did rehabilitate the ultras and gave them their cards back. the creation of a fan assembly for bayern ultras followed shortly. 

CZ Jena

ex ossis and ex wessis friendship! some fan groups met in the summer of 2006 at the BAFF in Leipzig. both fans scenes seem to have common ideals and both are set in the southern part of their stadiums and that is what actually drew them together. when jenas stadium was being rebuilt the fans had to insist on keeping their part of the stadium which munich fans supported. and they are frequently seen in each other stadium. 

Other friendships

international friendships exist with girondins de bordeaux, glasgow rangers, fc empoli and san benedetto tronto. 

short-lived friendships include werder bremen, 1.fc saarbrücken, 1.fsv mainz 05, fc augsburg and spvgg fürth. 

the most recent existing friendship is the one with a group of  düsseldorf ultras. 

most terrifying of there was a time were some ultras lost their heads and banded together with the fucking 1859+1 fans. It spanned from the late 70's to the mid 80's and honestly the history is restrained to the losers losing, street battles and somehow an actual grouping called the service crew who was... Not particularly liked by anyone. 

Gute Freunde kann niemand trennen, gute Freunde sind nie allein. Weil sie eines im Leben können: füreinander da zu sein!

Many thanks to @trossibop for durchlesen! 

i'm sorry but most of my sources are in german :( 

Pls do cha-cha real smooth into my asks if you have any questions or corrections!