my friend said something to me the other day that's been swirling in my head since: "Well you know what they say, about not breaking bones—more mental." this was in response to 7 distinct injuries, and i think this actually brings up a different problem with the way my mind runs. i get so used to fixing external problems and ignoring pain because i want to finish the job, that it translates to me not noticing when I'm all fucked up in the middle. i will run myself to utter exhaustion because i didnt know when to stop, i literally could not feel tired, i have to keep going.
i dislocated my shoulder at practice, experienced the most white, hot pain of my life . . . and just popped it back in when i got home. the same way i was deeply insecure and depressed and couldn't even tell. for so long i lived outside of my head, only paying attention to what my eyes were watching, not instead paying attention to my heart and sinking further into my mind.
i tend to stew in things, unbeknownst to me aswell, somethings bothering me but i dont stop to think about it. you cant think about something you never acknowledge to exist anyway. plus you dont know something is wrong if its normal to you. even so, as a child i felt so alone. i knew something was different about me mentally but i couldnt put it into words into i was much older.
as a young child, i existed fine because all of my intrusive thoughts were religious or sexual, it didnt bother me outside of home, only when i was alone did my mind play tricks on me. try and convince me i was something other than i was and as i grew and my obsessions shifted to myself and my relationships with others. i was weak, insecure, and felt as if the world around me was glass, i was a bull in a fine china shop and i couldnt figure what was wrong with me, why it felt like no one wanted to be emotionally intimate with me, why no one wants to be my friend. now i know all of it was in my head,
im better mentally now in the way i can now acknowledge the pain ive gone through and the pain i had carried for so long. ive developed enough that i feel all levels of emotion, good or bad, and im okay with that. it is my lifes purpose to retire from a life of hardship and relax. i just want to be kind, friendly, and helpful. and with time i see how ive not only grown into my role, but how ive alvays been these things even if it didnt believe so. in a way, im grateful in a way for breaking my bones and destroying my physical body because now i see my mental strength.
