cracked porcelien

@troiprettishe

i dislocated my shoulder at practice, experienced the most white, hot pain of my life . . . and just popped it back in when i got home. the same way i was deeply insecure and depressed and couldn't even tell. for so long i lived outside of my head, only paying attention to what my eyes were watching, not instead paying attention to my heart and sinking further into my mind.

i tend to stew in things, unbeknownst to me aswell, somethings bothering me but i dont stop to think about it. you cant think about something you never acknowledge to exist anyway. plus you dont know something is wrong if its normal to you. even so, as a child i felt so alone.  i knew something was different about me mentally but i couldnt put it into words into i was much older.

as a young child, i existed fine because all of my intrusive thoughts were religious or sexual, it didnt bother me outside of home, only when i was alone did my mind play tricks on me. try and convince me i was something other than i was and as i grew and my obsessions shifted to myself and my relationships with others. i was weak, insecure, and felt as if the world around me was glass, i was a bull in a fine china shop and i couldnt figure what was wrong with me, why it felt like no one wanted to be emotionally intimate with me, why no one wants to be my friend. now i know all of it was in my head,