⌖Cᴙ0ϟϟM4ᴎ⌖

Hey! Im Ryan, 18 years of age. Its my first post on Tumblr, ever. I dont know where to start, or how to explain shit. So Im sorru if everything is all jumbled up and all over the place- I dont mean for it to be that way! I just dont know how to ask/explain myself. Im not making this post to beg, or for sympathy, or to look edgy. Or etc etc. I genuinely dont know what to do anymore, and have a hard time opening up to those around me in person- as I feel like they wouldnt want to hear me talk about it. Or that I'm dragging down the mood. I feel like an asshole for even asking/writing this out. And I apologise and feel bad about this. Im sorru, but Im gonna ask now.

So my question is- how do people make friends?- Or like- find someone who actually understands them?-

I'm asking a genuine question and seriously don't know what to do anymore.

I struggle with talking to people. Not because I don't want friends, but because every conversation feels like a test that I'm failing, and that its my fucking fault every single time.

Sometimes I'll spend minutes building up the courage to say something, walking around, pacing in circles. Or looking around like a fucking idiot- Only for it to come out awkwardly, and not in my favour. With the other person barely responding- or completely ignoring what Ive said- OR- changes the subject to something theyd prefer. Or the rarest/worst one to me- just walking away. Maybe they don't mean anything by that- but in my mind. I completely, immediately start telling myself that I sound stupid- and that I should just shut my fucking mouth. That I make everything worse- and that I should just stop trying to socialise altogether.

I then spend the rest of my day replaying the stupid fucking event in my head-

The thing is- this dosent happen with friendships either- It's with relationships too. It just feels like everyone around me finds it so easy to connect with people, while I'm standing on the outside looking in on their progress, and having to wonder to myself "how the fuck did you do that".

I struggle to find people that I can genuinely relate to. Struggling to believe anymore that anyone would actually like/want to have me around. Sometimes I feel like I'm just an extra, a dlc pack in the friend group. Like everyone would be perfectly fine or pretend that nothing ever happened if I disappeared or got uninstalled-

And then there's the CONSTANT feeling of not being enough.

Not attractive enough.

Not interesting enough.

Not funny enough.

Not confident enough.

I wonder if people avoid me because of how I look- or how I act?- Maybe its how I talk?- Or maybe its just that there's something seriously fucking wrong with me.

And then after allll that. I still fucking try the next day to MAKE something work.

I practically fucking force myself to speak when I want to stay quiet or leave- Forcing myself to join in conversations, forcing myself to reach out and make some fucking progress for once-

And THEN. When I feel like shit is going badly, I'm so fucking embarrassed. Literally so fucking embarrased. Hating myself. Right up until I'm home again- on my shitty bed. Crying and begging that my life gets better- that someone would genuinely want me to be around, and enjoy talking to me. Thats all I ever fucking wanted-

I cry and cry and fucking hate it. I hate the feeling of crying, or how weak it makes me feel as a person. Even when I don't want to I cry.

And then, I have to wake up with a few hours of sleep. As my room is hot asf and fans don't change shit. And my posture looks like a crooked fucking cockroach that should be nuked. Forcing myself to show up early, when internally if I didnt want to try and better myself, or see my teachers. I wouldnt even show up- or Id miss a class or two and show up to one. Either way- having to show up the next day and convince myself to try again. Surrounded by people who mentally I feel like are absolutely repulsed by me, or view me as less than a person.

I don't know where to start anymore.

How do you find people, not even people. Someone, just fucking someone. Who genuinely wants to be your friend?-

How do you stop feeling like you don't belong anywhere?-

How do you stop feeling like everyone else was given love and understanding on how to connect with people, and that you fucking missed it?-

I've left my old school due to a handful of suspensions, and being 16 turning 17 by that point. Hating the people I've been around for years. I thought leaving that circle would make my life happier, which it did at first. In this new school, which I've been going to for the past 2 years- I've felt the happiest I've ever felt in my life. I started off so happy, meeting new people. And having new fresh experiences- which overtime I'm slowly feeling like I'm losing that spark. I hate the routine, I hate seeing these people. I DONT EVEN HATE THEM. I just hate, the way they make me feel. And that I don't truly matter. I love them to bits, and would absolutely love to talk and hangout with them whenever is possible- Instead of staying at home and bawling my eyes out until I fall asleep, or try to feel decent to myself- mentally preparing myself all fucking night organising my room or routine- just to then be back into the same fucking process every single fucking time. My life was so much happier even mere months ago. I hate that my old friends moved to this school, when I wanted to hopefully meet new people and start fresh- with people not knowing who I am. And getting to make new memories/experiences during my late teen years. I don't like the person I was, I don't like how unhappy I was. I'm trying to better myself, I dont want to lock myself in my room for 5 months of the school year and come back with some of them graduating, and that I keep getting older and older with no accomplishments to my name. I feel stuck, and dont even know HOW TO MAKE FUCKING FRIENDS. Like- Ive made people in my own group meet each other, and they bond SO FUCKING WELL. Yet I struggle to be around them, and feel that Im slowly being left behind. They dont want me, I know they dont want me. They hate me, I know they do. They have to.

Okay- so Im currently replaying Plants Vs Zombies Garden Warfare 2- and I still think that it is still one of the greatest multiplayer shooter games that have ever been made. And I'll happily die on that hill thinking about it-

I've been playing the Plants Vs Zombies series for over a decade now.

I started playing the series with the original Plants Vs Zombies game back in 2012 or 2013- and then eventually played Plants Vs Zombies Garden Warfare back in 2014 when it came out.

AND THEN- Garden Warfare 2 when it released in 2016 on the PS4.

I played the absolute fuck out of the game on PS4- unlocking every single character- and one of the best things was that all of my Garden Warfare characters transfered over when I first booted up GW2. It felt like the game was rewarding people who had been there and played it from the beginning-

Now- fast forward to today.

I've restarted playing completely fresh on Xbox-

Yesterday was literally day one.

I've already earned about 640k coins in total- and have somehow managed to survive 34 waves of Infinity Time.

Replaying this game has reminded me of why so many people still talk about it ten years later- and why its still so relevant online despite people saying its a "dead" game.

The amount of personality that is packed into every character class- is absolutely fucking ridiculous- IN A GOOD WAY IN A GOOD WAY-

Every character version- feels different.

Maps aren't just arenas with different textures slapped onto them- they're actually memorable zones. Years later- I can still picture them and the way Ive played the shit out of them in my head. In both GW and GW2.

The backyard is still one of my favourite game hubs in any game that Ive played- It feels- well- feels and felt alive. There's always something to do- whether you're opening chests- hunting the globes or golden gnomes- taking on the quests- exploring hidden in game areas- or just messing around with friends.

I honestly miss when games let you breathe like this- instead of immediately throwing battle passes- and daily fucking fears of missing out- and twenty fucking different premium currencies all shoved up to your face.

Garden Warfare 2- just lets you play.

And that's a refreshing time relic.

The progression is satisfying-

Sticker packs were genuinely exciting to open- even though I did love them more in Garden Warfare- maybe thats just me being nostalgic though-

Unlocking a new character version actually felt rewarding- as it changed how you approached a character class instead of giving you a different cosmetic-

The art style has aged INCREDIBLY well.

And soundtrack still goes FUCKING HARD.

The humour is still stupid- in the right way of course.

And now- even to this day- the game still has a certain charm to it- that a lot of modern shooter games still cant seem to replicate.

There's a certain balance between casual fun- and actually learning how to play the game.

You can jump in- and have a great time of course.

OR- you can spend hundreds of hours learning movements- abilities- matchups- and mastering your favourite characters- ranking them up and etc-

That's part of why I believe the community has stuck around for so long-

Do I think it's perfect?

Yes- and no.

Nothing is.

There are 100% character versions that are stronger than others- and like any online game- there are balance decisions that people will debate over for forever-

But none of that changes the fact that Garden Warfare 2 has an identity- and is a VERY- VERY. Unique game-

You know you're playing Garden Warfare 2 within seconds of holding on to your controller- and seeing the graphics in front of you.

It doesn't feel like it's trying to copy every/another shooter game thats already on the market-

It feels confident enough to be its own thing-

Looking back- I honestly believe that this series deserved so much more support than it got. WHICH IT STILL DID GET A LOT OF SUPPORT- but like-

I enjoyed Battle For Neighbourville for what it was. But for me- it never captured the same magic that Garden Warfare 2- nor Garden Warfare had. It changed too many of the things that made the earlier games special to me.

I'd honestly love nothing more than to see a true Garden Warfare 3 someday-

Not because I want nostalgia bait- Well- maybe just a little bit.

But I do think that this formula still has so much potential if it were given the right time- care- and attention it deserves/deserved as a Garden Warfare series to the Plants Vs Zombies franchise. As much as me and other people in the Garden Warfare community would like a GW3 to exist.

And after almost ten fucking years-

Garden Warfare 2 is still an amazingly ridiculously fun game to play.

Some games age-

Some games become classics.

I honestly think that replaying older games years later is one of the coolest experiences you can do-

I'm currently replaying Far Cry 5- after not touching the game for about 6 or 7 years- 67 I KNOW I KNOW. The last time I played the game was when I was about 11 to 12 years old- And honestly- I barely paid attention to the story.

Back when I was a kid and would play this game-

I wouldnt pay as much attention to the dialogue-

Id go from mission to mission-

Id shoot the cultists everytime I saw them-

AND- blow shit up.

Rince and repeat- badabing badaboom.

BUT- now that I'm replaying it- I'm currently around the Hit The Gas mission. With missions Ive already finished- such as Death Wish- The Widowmaker- A Dish Served Cold- AND- a handful of other missions.

AND WELL-

Man.

This game is so much better than I remembered-

It also feels way easier now- but that's probably because I was 11 to 12- with my entire strategy being sprinting left and right- and just basically killing everything I could in sight-

What surprised me the most wasnt the gunplay-

IT WAS THE FUCKING ASMOSTPHERE.

Hope County genuinely feels alive- Between the radio broadcasts- random encounters- the prepper stashes- THE WILDLIFE. Cult patrols of course- resistance fighters- yadiyadiyada- All the little environmental details. It actually feels like you're taking part in an occupied county- rather than just clearing icons off a fucking map.

ALSO- the soundtrack is fucking incredible.

The cult music has absolutely no right to be as good as it is-

Every region has its own identity- and the game does an excellent job of making you feel like you're slowly getting rid of Eden's Gate little by little- instead of simply ticking off objectives off a checklist.

THEN- there are the villains.

Whether you agree with every story decision or not- the Seed family is one of Ubisoft's strongest casts of antagonists. They each have their own personalities- their own methods- and their own way of trying to manipulate you.

I now fully- and COMPLETELY understand why so many people talk about Joseph Seed all these fucking years later-

THE COMBAT- still feels satisfying.

Driving around Montana never gets old-

The amount of freedom the game gives you is something I appreciate a lot- A lot more than I did when I was younger-

If you want to stealth your way to an outpost- then go for it.

If you want to snipe everyone off from a hill- then go for it aswell!!!

If you want to fly a plane directly into a cult compound- simply because your frontal lobe isnt fully there-

THEN GO AHEAD!!!

Like- okay- SURE. The game isnt perfect-

But the forced capture sequences are still one of the most controversial mechanics in the game- and I completely understand why they annoyed so many people. INCLUDING I.

But after replaying it all these years later- Far Cry 5 has reminded me why this game has stuck with so many fans-

Sometimes games aren't fully appreciated the first time you play them-

SOMETIMES- you need to come back years later with a different perspective-

AND TO ME- Far Cry 5 is just one of those games-

I genuinely think this game is a masterpiece in many ways- and I'd 100% put Far Cry 5 in my top three Far Crys of all time.