TripWreck Post Cards

I cannonballed into Cenote Aerolito with my dive gear. There was a croc in it. Not like on a warning sign, I could see him. Existing.

The guide said it would be fine just don't "splash around too much or anything." And yes... I'm alive. Stupid croc.

Final Destination

This is the final destination on my bucket list. Not so much Mt. Fuji, but the sea of trees surrounding it. The entrance has a sign that states "Life is a precious gift" Yeah, a gift from someone I hate that I can't return! What a huge waste of time life has been.

This mermaid statue is sunk in front of our resort to honor divers in the military (or something) and it's like 18ft tall. Also, her boobs are pointing to stuff so before you dive they say "follow the mermaids tits to the wreck!"

Dear Blessed,

I am a Nigerian Prince time-traveler, and I need your help getting myself and my money out of the past for which I will share it with you. I know this message will come to you as a surprise, but permit me of my desire to go into business relationship with you. I got your contact among others from a mutual business associate and I was inspired to seek your cooperation. I am here seeking for an avenue to transfer myself and the fund in only you're reliable and trustworthy person to investment the funds.

Dear "Your Majesty"

In case of the apocalypse I want to die awesome so I'm considering a Cleopatra Death. I've run into a lot of problems trying to acquire a cobra.

First off, the snake keeps dying while in transit. Also Cleopatra's death led to a pretty substantial crackdown on venom possession. So once you get your cobra and figure out how to milk it, then you must refrigerate the venom.

Yes, you have to refrigerate snake venom, I actually googled that. I can't rely on refrigeration during the apocalypse! WTF am I supposed to do? Get a generator? I'm not rich like Cleopatra! Now I need a new plan FML.

No Trauma Llama

Remember that making mistakes and learning from them is a small but important part of your life journey. Respond with grace and move forward to greater things.

You will be stronger tomorrow and every day for the rest of your life. This is only the beginning and great things are ahead of you.

Welcome to your Kidney Stone Era

This is a shark who is barfing a rainbow. He is being ridden by a cowboy cat with lazers coming out of his eyes. Let them heal you.

I know that life is an attack, but if you weren't having a kidney stone would you be feeling anything at all?

There is no reason to send you a postcard from Utah but I thought I would send one to tell you that once in Mexico my girlfriend and I were walking and a random dude approached us and asked if we were looking for a place to go.

Of course we said "yes."

He told us to follow him into the jungle and we were like "hmm" and then he said there were raccoons back there so we were like YES. I still can't believe we were both willing to be murdered just to see a racoon.

We did see them, though. It was glorious.

I went to Zion in 2016 and saw Angel's Landing but not today. Also, I did not climb it due to my advanced age. This is literally the only postcard I could find in Hurricane, Utah. It cost me $4. I am sending it to you to share some good news: I have decided to convert to Mormonism. Have a blessed day.

Happy Birthday.

You're never going to be cool like that dude who lost the Olympics because his big ole dick wouldn't go over the pole vault. I guess he both won and lost the Olympics, simultaneously. What talent! What a great pickup line! I bet he gets tons of chicks now with that impressive dick!

Did you see that Turkish guy shoot at the Olympics one handed? Then, when he was collecting his medal he was all "thanks, where can I smoke?" What a fucking badass!

I just wanted to remind you that the apocalypse is still going on. Even in Minnesota. The cheese curds are awesome, though.

Nice to see you didn't die on your trip. That would have empowered your enemies. Seriously, fuck those people! If they don't like you, I question their judgment. You don't want people around you "making good choices" anyway. That's their loss. Poor choices are the most fun you can have. In fact, I suggest you send them a postcard congratulating them on being dead to you!

I don't know any sharks that are convicted felons. Just sayin'

Everything this rainbow touches is my old cult. We threw ourselves an intervention, lit a possibly illegal bonfire and did some light trespassing. This is not a confession but I ugly cried and it was the best time of my life. I jumped off a bridge into a river and I was cleansed!