MOTHERFUCKER

content warning: death baiting.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Leave. Leave right now.”

“What more do you want?!”

“I really wish you were never born.”

“I hate you!”

“Can you just fuck off already?”

“Shut up! Just.. Shut up!”

“All you do is whine.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“I can’t do this anymore. Not with you.”

“How did that feel?”

“Oh my god, I don’t care!”

“No wonder nobody likes you.”

“Is this how little you think of me?”

“That hurt you son of a bitch…”

“Pack your shit and go. Get the fuck out of my sight!”

“Leave me alone!”

“I can break your nose if I want to.”

“Are you going to cry now?”

“I wouldn’t miss you. Nobody would.”

“You’re so pathetic!”

“I won’t forget this.”

“I’m going to break your jaw if you keep talking!”

“Why can’t you listen to a single thing I say?!”

“I have a right to be angry.”

“This would have never happened if you wouldn’t exist.”

“Get out of my life!”

“You’re nothing! Did you hear me?! Nothing!”

“Now that’s a big fella, whoa!” 

“Hey, where you going?” *grabs and kisses* 

“Two weeks at home. The perfect vacation.” 

“Hey! Look out for that–!”

“Handbook for the Recently Deceased… I don’t think we survived the crash.”

“Cabin Fever, Hun?” 

“Well I can’t clean anything properly. The vacuum is out in the garage and we can’t leave the house.” 

“Maybe this is Heaven.” 

“Little gasoline, blow torch. No problem.” 

“I could live here.” 

“Careful, that’s my sculpture! And I don’t mean ‘my’ as in I bought it, I mean ‘my’ as in I made it - it’s mine.” 

“Oh, look! An indoor outhouse.” 

“Ugh. Deliver me from L.L. Bean.” 

“I will go insane! And I will take you with me!” 

“I have a feeling there’s something very interesting behind this door.” 

“What’s the good of being a ghost if you can’t frighten people away?” 

“I’ve planned out a stroke from the amount of MSG that’s in this food.” 

“My whole life is a dark room.” 

“What the hell are you doing out there?”

“Don’t worry, I locked the door.” 

“I’m the afterlife’s leading bio-exorcist!”

“You didn’t actually think that was going to work, did you?” 

“Can’t you see I’m relaxing in here?” 

“Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can’t.” 

“Boy, oh boy, this place just keeps getting weirder and weirder.” 

“Start simply. Do what you know. Use your talents. Practice!” 

“Don’t even say his name! You don’t want his help.” 

“I didn’t want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble onto it and make another mistake, I’ll tell you.” 

“Well how do we contact you if we need you again?” 

“This is so corny. Is this what we’ve been reduced to?” 

“The moaning is important. Really moan!” 

“Cut it out! I’m a child, for gods sakes!” 

“I feel so stupid!” 

“If you guys are gonna do that weird sexual stuff, do it in your own bedroom.” 

“You’re not scared?”

“You know if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits!” 

“I myself am strange and unusual.” 

“Anyway you can’t scare her. She’s sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.” 

“What if this is a dream? Can you guys do any tricks to prove I’m not dreaming?” 

“What happened?” 

“Hey, look at that.” 

“I say we open it.” 

“If I’ve over stepped my bounds, just tell me. Come on.” 

“What are your qualifications?”

“I’ve seen the Exorcist about a hundred and sixty seven times, and it keeps getting funnier! Every! Single! Time I see it!” 

“Don’t mind her. She’s still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.” 

“I saw some ghosts.” 

“We did it! Let’s watch them scatter! Any minute now they’re going to come running out that door screaming! …Any minute now.” 

“You have got to take the upper hand in all situations. Or people, whether they’re dead or alive, will walk all over you.” 

“Why are you doing this?! Leave me alone, all of you!” 

“Never trust the living!” 

“I’m the ghost with the most, babe.” 

“You know, you look like somebody I could relate to.” 

“I don’t know what your signal means.” 

“It’s too late. We have to go through with this.” 

“Wait, what am I worried about? You can’t even change a tire.” 

“Stop it! No!” 

“It’s too late. I’m sorry.” 

“I want to get out. For good. In order to do that, hey! I got to get married!” 

“Hey, these aren’t my rules. Come to think of it, I don’t have any rules.” 

“It’s showtime!” 

“Well, I’m back! I feel real good about myself, you know what I mean.” 

“That! ..Is why I won’t do two shows a night anymore, babe.” 

“Oh, jeeze. I mean, I don’t know. It’s kind of a big decision.” 

“You know I got it, Honey.” 

“I’m telling you, Honey, she meant nothing to me! Nothing at all!” 

“I told them no way. I said it was against my religion.”

“Okay! I believe you!” 

“Sorry. Didn’t see you sitting there.”

“Shake! Shake! Shake, Senora!”

(via

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