This is just a little rant-thing that I only made to try to organize my thoughts and try to accept myself. The only reason I'm posting it is because I've wasted a lot of my time thinking of this and wasted an hour writing it, so I might as well put it somewhere besides my iPod's notes. Here it is: I've always wondered how people could be "in the closet" about their gender because I always thought gender expression had to match up with your gender identity, so if someone was a certain gender, they'd just dress it and everyone would know. I never realized that there was much more to gender than that until really recently, when I started questioning my own gender. Gender never "really mattered" to me. I was born female, so I just dressed femininely, and, while I can enjoy dresses, never really thought of what I was putting on my body meant. I have felt strange being referred to as "she" for—I don't know, a year now?—but usually shrugged it off, thinking that I'm "obviously a girl" and "why should I consider otherwise?" At this time, I knew about non binary, but never considered applying it to myself. A little later, I started looking into different genders, something I will have done near obsessively before I got to the present, and started making a list of those that define me. Time and time again, I came up with two main results: Agender and Demigirl. I went with demigirl—which identifies partially as a girl, partially as something else—at first. I think I had been initially drawn to demigirl because I wanted to partially be a girl, even if my mind rejected the idea of it. I was a female, so why couldn't I force myself to be a girl as well? I didn't want to not be a girl mostly because that's the only thing I knew how to be. School and my parents taught me to be a girl. I was my dad's only child and my mother's only daughter, and I was a spoiled princess, to be frank. I didn't want to lose that, as selfish as it is, but I also was (and am) afraid of being a disappointment to everyone. I thought that if I was partially girl, it'd be better than throwing my programmed gender to the winds. But I knew that I still wasn't a demigirl. I never considered coming out as such. Everything above happened slowly, over the stretch of 7 or 8 months, but everything that comes next has taken place within the last 3 days. Quickly, I grew frustrated with myself. My temper has shortened so much, it isn't near funny. I have been feeling depression crawling into my mind like a long lost friend, but I've resisted, knowing that the reasons for my abrupt mood change is silly and easily fixed. I haven't been able to think clearly for more than a few minutes at a time. I know that it will probably stop once I accept myself fully, but it is much more difficult than it should be. Only today have I finally allowed myself to be called agender, but it feels so natural. I want to get my hair cut shorter because not only will I be more comfortable and myself that way, but I think I could use a little nudge to be a little less gendered and, for some reason, my hair feels like something that truly needs to be changed. I now think I should start to ask to be referred to as "they" or "it." I'll start with my peers, then all others around me, then, when I am able to get my own place (better safe than sorry), my parents. I am still terrified. I'm still young. This could all mean nothing ten years from now. I only now took the first step, and there are still miles upon miles to go. How do I tell people to change the pronouns they use for me? How do I change the name that people have associated with me for the thirteen years of my life? What is my name now, anyways? Who am I? What unisex names come from "Isabella"? I've considered L. and Sabel/Sable, but neither sound right (or even like names... Is Sabel/Sable gender neutral?). I can't imagine a single person wasting their time reading this crap. I'm an absolute mess.
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