Aut viam inveniam aut faciam

Anguish: beset with anger, who’s form and function is to guard the crying girl named sadness who’s pain knows it’s transformation as a transition from caring to heartbreak. So many times it’s been heart break.

And as I sit in this airport hoping and praying to what ever watches me that the worst isn’t true. That I’ve only stumbled upon another persons obsession and revealed it as false god. Hoping and praying that the trust I’ve built isn’t a fallacy based on the fantasy that I could be happy with this man.

Sometimes I wish you knew, but I disguise the truth. Somethings just don’t sound good out loud,because then it’s real. All of this is real. And I hate that. There’s an invisible monster in my house, no exterminator can get out. Maybe I just need to excise my blood.

Take me to the rooftop, so I can watch the world while I’m bleeding. Don’t you know these cuts came from you? Some by my hand sure but the blade you put here caused it. I can’t keep cutting myself like this. Keeping all my blood to myself is greedy I know, but I was never a good and obedient child was I.

Hurry, I’m worried, the things I keep buried have been keeping me up at night. I can’t go anywhere yet, I can’t go anywhere at all. I have to fight off fumes who waft by my ears. Seeping from my nostrils these noxious noises leak from me. I’m not one of Gods strongest soldiers, I never should have been born in a battlefield to begin with. What kind of child has a bomb shell for a crib, grenades for toys and gasoline filled bottles. I was made aware by the eyes I was born with, broken by the things I’d seen and yet. And yet this thing I’ve become walks forward.

Where the offerings are songs and emotion,

I’ve always loved the rawest moments,

With its shy exposure,

I listen like the idle body I am,

Responses made as gentle breezes,

I want paint the storm clouds grey,

Laugh loudly as thunder and lightning fight,

I was never meant to be bonded to earth,

I am abound,

Prisoner to none,

Perhaps only the ever breathing blackness,

For she is my honest lover,

By the birthright of her kind,

She makes a mockery of us fleshed things

Painting in colors I can’t ever home to wonder at the truth of it,

I want to be mindight’s muse,

Dancing in the pallid luminosity of the moon,

Alongside things which hiss and bite,

To the music of faeries and plants alike,

Make my poetry from prophetic inspiration,

Oh midnight my darling,

Crown me in nebula glass,

Drench me in far away star shine,

As we gather the shadows for garment,

Lift me from this body,

Birth me into the plasma,

As we sing and laugh dancing away,

Kinda glad for it too

But I know he won’t forget me,

Or let me die,

I’ve lost my grip with living twice,

And last night life nearly lost its grip on me,

I keep seeing that car in my periphery,

The feeling of flipping,

Maybe I screamed,

Somehow I heard nothing after first impact,

But I heard everything,

Glass shattered,

Metal bent,

Heart beats,

My only thought was to hold on,

Brace for impact,

After impact,

After impact,

Until the ground was no longer my sky,

I landed wheels down on land,

Not a miracle missed,

Not a blessing beset,

Count your blessings,

Toes, knees, hips, hands, elbows, wrists,

Breathe slow, don’t think,

Eyes closed, feel for pain,

Chest kinda tight, slowly find the light,

Voices called demanding answer,

God left once I opened my eyes,

Glass replaced dark ignorance,

But the feeling stayed,

Maybe by some cruel joke,

I remember the song that was playing,

911 by lady Gaga,

Yet here I am,

Medical miracle,

Able to type this,

Able to see,

Able to move and breathe and be,

I live with the sound of constellations litany,

I live because death never showed up,

And maybe I’ll know why,

Milky eyes,

Snakeskin needs to be shed,

Shucked,

Shorn off what passes for my being,

I’m too tired of curveball games,

Life begins and begins and begins,

When can I behold the end I ask,

Cycles are fluid or definitive,

Look forward,

Understand backwards,

Oh but what of today,

To hold presence in my present,

Alas,

Tide transitions tumultuous to tranquil,

Then begets its ruinous overthrows,

And I the sail boat tossed among its sea,

No hope of diving beneath the waves which strike me,

Curse my reliance on air,

Beg for the peace sinking brings,

Burn for the water in your lungs,

As it begets no sanitation of your sins,

No sanctity for you skin,

I’ve nothing left but to shed and wait,

Shed slowly and wait,

Bring me the Brillo pad,

I don’t care how it hurts anymore,

For all the salt in my wounds,

I wonder if there’s anyone who would scream for me,

I’m sure I would be mourned,

But who would scream for me,

I am the damaged damsel weeping with the willow,

Wishing and wasting away,

Waiting or wailing the sound does play,

Bouncing between cavernous echos,

Both cranial and mountainous,

I wonder if there’s anyone who would scream for me,

Beautiful things are deadly,

A personal poison pretty and poised,

Softly she scalds seemingly without joy,

Angrily trying to breathe for me,

Does anybody know I can’t seem to breathe for me,

Treat me well or sleep quite soundly,

It’s amazing the way my grey world astounds me,

I can’t seem to wake unless sleep moves away,

I wonder if anyone would scream for me,

Because I would sing for anyone,

But would you finally make noise,

When the silent battle was lost,

And my words were finally gone,

Tell me,

Who do you know,

Suspended in your own gravity,

Not trapped by the trapping of air,

Walk daintily on water as it flows about your hair,

Bubble girl,

Smile and wave,

Smooth your skirts as they walk by and stare,

Your world is alien,

An out of realm perspective,

They crave to touch your skin,

Maybe pick your brain,

Ask you questions like “does your bubble grow when the sky brings rain”

Bubble girl,

Trapped in the trappings of her past,

Living of recycled wishes,

Maybe someone can teach you how not to hold on to things too tightly,

Teach you how not to squeeze until it’s stifled,

How not to love until it cracks,

Those hands are too strong for their size

How can something so fluid be so delicate?

Something so beautiful be bordering on malignant,

Bubble girl,

Did you do this to yourself,

Wrapped the sea around your skin to contain the caustic truth,

That you were never one of this earth,

And that this world had ripped out your youth,

Pretty girl with see through skin,

Jellyfish cellophane with nebula middle,

Your stars move inside your sillohette,

Moving mixture of fairy dust,

But once they see you,

It’ll never be enough,

Longing to be held,

But put on display instead,

Bubble girl,

Hold your borders firm,

Because if you ever burst,

That kind of wave would flood the world

When the ghost of happy memories rise from the pain you buried me in,

When I have nothing but my silence and my phone,

I look for you,

For all but a moment some part of me hoping,

You think about me too,

Knowing you don’t,

Knowing with the sun I’ll shrivel again,

Beg my heart and my god for forgiveness and strength,

Because drugs are a hard habit to kick,

And you,

Are the thing I want to get high on,

My fix is fucking me up,

So forgive me,

I know nothing except breathing

Until your heart stops whispering from your throat,

Until the sounds of sobs stops,

Breathe,

Until your pieces don’t feel like pieces,

Until Latin leaves your lips,

Strange and familiar chants calling to whatever listens to you weep,

Breathe,

Because it’s not okay,

Because you hurt,

Breathe,

And let those tears fall,

And let the pain out,

Breathing is my only respite,