speaking to the void

trigger warning for SA, adding a cut so anyone can scroll by <3 i'm not discussing the event itself, just mentioning it

i think having multiple friendships is too exhausting for me and im realizing that i have actually MUCH shorter limits than i thought i did, so i have literally my best friend and my partner and then a circle of really good friends who don't communicate outside of set times, which works for me! but then when my best friend is busy or my partner is busy im like 🧍🏾‍♀️ cause the structure i've built is designed to leave me alone lmfao. i got what i ordered but the texture is bad type shit.

and it's literally no one's fault!!! i just have rotten egg brain!!! so i can't even be like mad at someone or anything!!!

but here i am with a migraine and exhausted to my core, feeling like because my best friend is understandably preoccupied with their friend who is visiting that actually they don't want me around. LMAOOO WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. it's not true!!! i know it isn't!!! i hate it here fr

and on the autism front, tell me why i had an entire meltdown over nothing. i'm tired and have to mask a lot and that's exhausting when my organs all have the suds but what am i crying over dude like. i think i just like knowing when new people are coming and going so i have like a finish line?? but that doesn't mean cry????? that's so stupid????

my anxious attachment style making me feel crazy

my autism making me feel crazy

my depression making me feel crazy

i feel like my confidence has hit an all time low.

physically, i'm so unhappy with my body. i know being in a relationship i shouldn't feel the way i do, but there's something about the world seeing me as like...not that desirable that fucks me up. i just want to feel...idk? conventional? normal?

i'm surrounded by people whose bodies i'd love to have. i find myself body checking more and more. every morning i look to see if maybe somehow i'll wake up and be okay with the shape im in. hasn't happened yet.

i want to be thinner. or to have a bigger chest to even it out. i hate looking at my swollen neck and shoulders and flat chest and pudgy stomach. and it sucks having all of this but being at a very healthy weight.

i want to be able to exercise when i have time and energy to, but im in so much pain that i can't.

mentally, i just don't have confidence in my abilities lately. i feel stupid, and useless. im terrified my boss is going to hate me. we're 3 years apart and she's almost done with a doctorate and i don't even have my masters. i feel like i ask stupid questions because sometimes i have to repeat myself to understand the reply. i hate being adhd. i hate being autistic. i hate feeling like i dont deserve my professional life. i hate that my last job ground up the little security i had in my skills. i hate that im so anxious over negative feedback, or that it hurts my feelings. i want to be so much more than i am.

personally, i struggle with how my friends see me. my partner and my best friend are the traditionally attractive, physically and socially desirable, personable ones. the ones people gravitate to in literally every aspect. im sad. i just want to be more like them. i want people to want to talk to me, or be friends with me. but i know part of it is my fault for being too quiet, not saying much in social situations. logically i know that. but sometimes even when i am trying it feels like no one wants me. it makes me sad to feel like im living on an island, watching everyone laugh on their boats as they drift by.

idk. im trying to keep myself going and busy but it's hard. and eating is hard. but i don't want to slip into bad habits and skip meals and push myself. that's not going to do anything anyway, losing weight by not eating isn't the body i want. so it's not the goal here. but eating is hard, because it feels like everything i put in my body makes me hate it more.

i dont want to burn out. i feel like after only 6 weeks of a new job i havent earned that. what do i even do, sit at a desk all day? (though my therapist points out, i also: have to code switch, have to mask, have to pretend to be the person my boss wants me to be, have to help students, have to manage my own projects, live in a disabled body, deal with ocd and severe anxiety, etc)

i also am so tired of switching medications. it is so fucking demoralizing feeling so broken that meds barely help. these new ones make me less depressed i guess but i feel like my anxiety is out of control now. i just want to feel like a person. it feels like im on life support some days, and it feels like a waste of resources. all of these medications to help me function like a normal person and they dont even fully work. maybe im just not compatible with life lol. not in an "i need to die way". just in a "i need to get over it and deal" way. idk. it's embarrassing having a list of diagnoses. idk why people online self diagnose as if any of this is fun. as if i WANTED any of this. if i could be normal all of this would be so much easier.

i think i learned something really important in therapy today.

i think i thought that, after all this time, the affects of my assault just...went away? obviously i know i'll be dealing with this forever but i mean that i thought i was a lot better.

j really messed me up. n really messed me up. and poor ny & hp have to deal with it now.

there are parts of what i've gone through that are shifting the way that my brain processes what it means to be safe, what it means to be comfortable, what it means to be healthy. it feels like i'm regressing but only because the adrenaline is finally wearing off. i'm finally not running anymore, which means that everything can catch up to me now.

i find comfort in soft femininity because it opposes the masculinity that hurt, barbed into my skin, left scars. i fear that i'll be forced into finding 'my place' beneath a man, under his will, submissive. even when i know how gently i'd be handled, how delicately i'd be treated, i can't help but see their faces, hear their criticisms.

i'm afraid of the body i see in the mirror because i know how much they hated it, but how much they felt entitled to take from it.

i realized that j never really understood how bad what he did was. there was no part of him socialized to understand that he was committing the same crime in different packaging. that, after everything, he was no better than the rest. and now, 7 years later, i'm STILL dealing with that.

sometimes my brain turns me into someone i don't want to be. i get scared. i lash out, much like a vulnerable animal. i leave before i can be left, i shout before i can be shouted at. my fear makes me...unapproachable. difficult. frightening, sometimes. i don't like how my mouth feels against words coated in metallic vitriol, voice pitched in thinly veiled mania and hysteria, how i treat people like the enemy because i'm so used to being alone that i can't recognize what help looks like.

i know i'm too kind. i'm also too needy, too nosy, too obtrusive. i know i'm an obstacle. i know i'm a complication. but i also know i earned my space. i'm frustrated that someone gets to erode the ground beneath my feet after under a year and everyone expects me to be okay with it. i'm frustrated that you get to cry and panic and even when i try to preserve what's left of my patience and energy that is wrong too.

you say you don't like the idea of me giving something up for you. that it makes you feel like a bad friend. i think in this you are being a bad friend. i think there are conscious choices. but now you're in too deep and every apology is preceded and proceeded with buts and requests. so i keep giving and understanding and trying and you get everything you want.

my life is not where i want it to be. i want to be happy. i was becoming happy. new place new space i was so excited to dedicate time to us finally in earnest and i get that you feel like you've gotten that and i know i'm being selfish. but this is one big shift and change that was not in our plans. everything is postmarked with his name. while we hang out, at events, doing anything. you lie when i ask. i know you're lying when you do.

idk. maybe we love different. to me it's always been the same. i've always been consistent. but you started to love me differently when he came along and you refuse to see it. you cling so tight and make so many promises, love, and you just don't mean them. maybe you do? maybe i can't see it?

i'm tired. i've barely slept in 4 days. you said the girl we were watching was distractingly pretty. you got nervous that i recoiled. i swallowed it down and calmed you. like i always do.

i don't resent what i do for you. i love making you happy. i love being comfortable and safe. i want that.