I’m Not Ok (I Promise)

- u cant stop. its a legitimate addiction. there is no ‘seeing what its like’. its soso hard to stop it and believe me, because that was me. i thought i would sate my curiosity but all i did was make my life miserable - everything can become a trigger. someone carved things in a table?? trigger. u get a scratch by accident?? trigger. see something sharp?? yup.  - the scars dont go away and if people see them (and no matter how hard you try, people will see them) they get this awful fucking look on their face like a mixture of disgust and horror and pity  - u have to sit through people making shitty fucking jokes and calling people like you (real, struggling people like you) edgy emos looking for attention and it makes you feel sick but you have to sit there silently - in fact, any conversation about self harm becomes thoroughly uncomfortable because they’ll talk about it like no one in the room has ever gone through it (or, if they know, they’ll glance at you out the corner of their eye when they think you cant see) - any emotion can give you the urges- not just negative. ur body associates the happy feeling with the pain so ur brain is like ‘????? u cant have one without the other??’  - it can have been years. years. you can have stopped and got better and you’ll still feel the urge to hurt yourself and it makes you feel like you haven’t improved at all and you’re still fourteen and hating yourself - (maybe this is just me) but some part of you misses it?? you stopped and you know its horrific but its so difficult to get rid of your blades or whatever you use because you feel so weirdly attached to these things that are so awful and you dont even know why 

So many arguments are saved by just opening your mouth and saying “hey hun, in the future can you….” Whether its articulating how you like to be loved, supported, or communicated with, you have to open your mouth. Your soul mate (IMO) isn’t the person that just always knows what you need when you need it without you telling them. Your soul mate is the person who hears your needs and thinks “I have no problem doing that because I love this person with my whole heart”

On top of that, abusers try to convince you that you’re just like them, that you would in every situation do exactly what they would, as anyone would. They’re trying to convince you that their behaviour is nothing different from anyone else’s, that it’s a normal human trait. That you’re just playing a game in which, you are trying to hurt them as much as they’re trying to hurt you, and they’re just somehow “smarter about it” and “winning every time”.

When a kid says, “but miss tommy, i thought you said we’re not supposed to do that,” I answer, “You’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I won’t do it again.” It could be something small, maybe a kid sees me biting my nails, or maybe I grabbed a kid by the arm who was about to collide with something solid but I grabbed too hard. Whatever it is, it’s important to

acknowledge the mistake,

apologize to the kid,

and verbalize a plan to correct it.

Not only does this model HOW to make an effective apology, but it establishes trust on many levels. The children who witness the exchange now know that:

I will be honest with them even if it does not serve my ego,

I care about their feelings,

and I am taking their needs seriously.

You’re not a burden.

It’s okay to be struggling.

It’s okay to tell people you’re struggling.

Please tell people you’re struggling.

Don’t suffer in silence. Tell someone. Get help.

It’s okay to need help.

Please get yourself help.

You’re not the exception to recovery.

The world is more beautiful because you’re in it.

You’re worth it.

You’re a good person.

Thank you for existing.

You’re beautiful.

You’re not the exception to recovery.

Please stay alive.

If you’re looking for a sign not to kill yourself, this is it.

Please, stay alive.

People love you.

I love you.

Don’t give up.

You’re not the exception to recovery.