Throw me into the trash babe

OKAY SO I DON’T HAVE MUCH SO FAR but here’s what bird @lesbirdan​ and i were talking about the other day.

keep in mind that strictly speaking i’m blurring the lines between hardboiled vs noir as genres, also it will help if you read how to tell if you’re in a raymond chandler article [link] because we directly ref’d it at some points, also this is only tenuously related to canon, which are the best aus

ex-military private eye gol golathanian with some kinda Trauma from The War™

just doing hardboiled noir stuff like being emo in the rain on street corners and sitting in dramatically-shadowed offices with a hat titled over his eye

soliam murr as Hot And Tearful And In Big Trouble

you know, a dame shows up in the pi’s office. that scene

“you have been at least a little pickled since ferdinand was assassinated” is gol, except instead of “franz ferdinand” it’s “soliam’s father” and “those serbian guys” are instead “the highwings”

that’s what The War™ is. the emperor gets assassinated, soliam who Woefully Unprepared is now in charge, gol joins the army like a good patriotic sahrian, and………..because the empire has been so mismanaged the whole thing goes terribly

“the scandal will be kept out of the papers out of respect for your father” is soliam as crown prince

gol was kind of very in love with his beautiful emperor from afar

the empire collapses and kind of everything gets worse but also better at the same time? and gol is Very disillusioned with everything

including about soliam, because he’s now read all the gossip rag stories he didn’t want to believe before. but Also. he is still in love with him.

soliam is………..kind of relieved, because now he’s a private citizen with a semi-hidden identity, and not being emperor of a crumbling empire means he has more time to do the things he cares about, like getting plastered and meeting hot men.

so he shows up very tearfully in gol’s office like please mister golathanian………i don’t have anywhere else to go……….

we also debated him doing the thing where he always calls gol ‘captain ;)’ even though he’s now a private citizen

gol Doesn’t recognize him right away. so soliam’s flirting with him (as the dame with a mysterious troubled past does) and gol’s kinda flirting back because it’s nice, and he’s dead inside, and then puts the pieces together and realizes who his client is and is like HHHHHHHHHHH?!?!

soliam: wait no :(

if this were an actual movie of this kind in america we would have to kill at least one of them at the end. but it’s 2019 and we don’t have censorship laws so the gay and/or hedonistic characters don’t have to meet tragedy to show the audience the moral consequences of their lifestyle

also, “your doctor is a known dope-peddler but he has a great bedside manner” is lu sclorian

we didn’t have much else so i don’t really know what the plot is or how the other scribes are involved, but Also, having just seen That Art, i know that sandra and the sister of the arch Have to appear as noir style hitmen, why didn’t i think of that, i was so blind

Milithe and Triesta being bad cop and good cop respectively– partners for years, ever since the War ™ and they’ve been working on the cold case of the disappearance of Soliam Murr for a while

bird @lesbirdan again: imps exist in this au, they’re like Grumpy Pigeons

like huddling under the concrete gargoyles in this noir city

ha’ub saves soliam from the sisters of the arch leveling a sniper rifle at his head, yes he’s still smart in this au, ha’ub is a perfect boy and if he wasn’t in here it would be a Bad au

jomuer is “you are often in great danger, but you almost never take out your gun. instead, you make wise cracks to lighten the mood so gangsters think you’re crazy and that usually works.”

alpha-Chief……………..mobster jomuer many-mane yes? yes??

gol after The War™ is “you have nothing in your apartment but a yellow davenport, a small fold-out table, and fourteen bottles of scotch”

Gol Is Also “you self-identify as a henchman”