TransRising

My anger and upset has subsided somewhat and now i just feel empty again. I was so excited to have emotions again at the start but im kinda more comfortable now i feel fuck all again. I should have known this whole thing would blow up in my face in such a huge way. I should have known he would lie to me and use me. That he was still in love with her and would tell her every chance he got whilst making me guess everything. Its my fault i know that. Doesnt stop me wanting desperately to make it work which makes me hate myself even more.

tw for suicide, suicide methods etc idk im on mobile i cant read more I cant stop thinking about killing myself right now. Maybe if i take my mums entire tablet box and drink all my alcohol it will work. Or use my work knife to slit my throat but idk. After this morning i just need to die there nothing else to it ive been so stupid.

So hes been flirting with his ex this whole time. When i ask him to stop he turns it around that im trying to change him and that im still the same and hes done with me. Im so fucking stupid. I should have known. I want to message her bf but i want to get proof before i do...

K so he is using me and everyone tonight says so???? Why the fuck cant a non abusive asshole fucking love me why am i so pathetic and unlovable.

Lmao we had a really good date but once again he prioritises her over my comfort wtf am i doing.

Ahh ok our first bit of tension over him and his ex resurfacing. She called him this morning cause she hasnt been replying to his texts after he told her we were seeing eachother again to 'give him space' (i.e get attention because she doesnt like not being the main person in his life and so she can maintain control over him) so he emailed her to say stop it if he wants space he will ask for it etc. I overhear him say "i will ask [my name] if youre uncomfortable with it" or something to that effect. I ask him what he needs to ask me and he denies saying it so now im panicking that its something horrible but i made him promise he had nothing to ask/say to me and that i wouldnt be happy if he came to me later. I told him he could tell me there is something but he didnt have to talk to me about it right then cause he needs to get to work. Still panicking tho cause i hate him talking to her about me and now i think he wont ask me and just tell her i said whatever he thinks she wants to hear. Im really trying here but he says i cant have heard that because he didnt say it but cant tell me what he said that might have sounded similar so now i just think hes lying. He promised me hes not so i apologised and said maybe i did mishear but i still dont think i did ughhh.

I have been thinking of making myself go back the drs tho cause my half assed attempt at getting diagnosed (w my dr shrugging and telling me i likely have a schizoid pd or something but not making an official diagnosis) doesnt feel accurate anymore like. I think she just said that cause it was an easy answer but im p sure a lot of my symptoms were actually depression related but i just happen to have delusions/hallucinations as well. I just dont think its accurate but if i go back im likely to just get a borderline pd diagnosis i know it. I just dont know if i still need to be medicated cause whilst ive been ok recently i usually crash and crash hard after im ok and then im not lmao.

Ive been v v inactive lately on here bcus things are good. Altho im wanting things i always said i didnt want and im tryna stifle it for now cause theres no way i can have them rn but thats ok for now. Things are good so im not destroying myself over it.

I sent him a tit pic whilst he was in work but he should have finished by now... He usually replies straight away even in work when i send them so somethings off. K guess we are done. Should never have sent it. Now i just feel like a complete dickhead. I thought things were going well...

This is letting go is no doubt my favourite RA song ever. Idk why but the part with "the wind died... etc." Always gets to me idk. Just thinking back a couple of weeks to the cali when it came on. For some reason so many of my fave songs were playing that night and it was a really good night in so many ways and ive been pretty consistently happy since then. Just wish i could stop these intrusive thoughts and for memories to fuck off to where they belong 😂

Im really proud of myself today. Firstly i went in to work super early by accident cause i read my rota wrong and i managed to survive the day anyway. Then, my abusive ex’s sisters’ family all came in to the shop i work in and i only had a minor panic, and just hid in the halloween cave until they left my area. Didnt spiral thinking he would appear!! Everything is going well for once im kinda freaked out but in a good way.

So ive been really busy with work and its actually been going well aside from my feet/knees being in agony!! Alsooo. Me and him had a talk the other week whilst we were out and decided to try and date exclusively again to see how things go this time around! We've had 2 dates, bowling last week and then dinner in a really nice Greek restaurant last night. Suffice it to say things are going really well and even tho ive been ill as well, im feeling so good with everything and like i can breathe again and actually work through other stuff again (like gender stuff) and be active, earn money and hopefully move out again early next year if things keep going well with work!!

Im probably going to regret saying this but holy shit wednesday cannot come quickly enough. Im tired of waking up every day and just waiting until its night time so i can go to bed. I should get my uni work done before then but i have 0 motivation. Really hope getting back in to work helps rather than breaks me again but im deffo hopeful.

Hahaha omg maybe i really have done the right thing.... Like, just trawling through okcupid as i often do and i spot a cute beardy dude who is really quite educated on social issues(if a lil rough around the edges but actually admits their privilege and that they are learning so welcome and encourage correction on anything they havent gotten right) and im like. I am attracted to guys and i find they respond more to me than women/enbies do idk why but they often make me feel sick with their shitty opinions on my personhood etc. So ive sent him a message and i would actually hope for a response here cause i could potentially date this dude providing he aint a weirdo if we do start talking lmao

Trying to cut off all communication and he wont let me. He wants to keep things open between us so if i move past all this we can be friends again and he doesnt get its all or nothing with me. Otherwise im just gunna keep talking to him. This isnt like with other ppl i really want him in my life so it needs to come from him and he wont. Hes going to get together with this girl and be happy and shove it in my face knowing i have feelings for him. I need to find someone new like desperately. I just know no one is going to have this affect on me ever again but hopefully i can find someone to be happy with idk. I just want companionship thats all. Just gotta work out how we are gunna move past this and if he will finally just get sick of me and snap and give me the isolation im asking for.