Some things, also some stuff.

And let’s not forget when the villains just switch sides. Last week this guy was on your side now he’s next to Wolverine and kicking your ass. 

How deep does the hole go?

Rain (any pronouns) is a genderfluid model & posts a lot about how their ability to “pass” as either a man or a woman influences them, and shows off the absurdity of double standards such as mens vs womens olympic uniforms and societal treatment based on perceived gender

One of the interestingly complex issues around families is that a lot of teenagers, due to rapid brain development during puberty, have a very hard time “taking the emotional temperature” of the people around them. Even without trans issues in the mix, it takes a lot of work for teens to hear through the static that their brains are throwing up, and it takes a lot of work for parents to not take it personally when their teens are not able to modulate their emotional responses to unclear data. 

This is one of the reasons why I think it’s super, super helpful when parents can jump on board and get educated before puberty, because it’s a lot easier when you’ve got an extremely thoughtful 4 year old or six year old explaining their gender and a doctor explaining what it means, at a time when the parent is in “learning” mode instead of in “react mode.

Unfortunately bodies and brains don’t always cooperate, because there’s yeah, the “I always knew” kids who came out at age 2, but there’s also a large chunk of kids who don’t figure things out until puberty strikes, and another whack of people who figure it out during or after puberty, and that’s when things get particularly hairy.

See, MOST parents, in theory, want “what is best” for their kids. But how they shape that image of “what is best” depends hugely on their own background, how they were parented, and the social expectations surrounding them. Small town religious families often have a hard time bending, for example, where there are many specific social expectations in the culture (you will go to church, you will marry within the faith or “adjacent”, you will get this kind of job, having a girl means this, having a boy means that.) But so do families in a lot of other places. The same force that makes a parent unhappy when their child doesn’t decide to be a doctor or doesn’t go to their alma mater, all of that… that stuff tends to be generational and difficult to change. 

HOWEVER… There’s this incredibly potent argument to be had around mental health and suicide, that makes most parents, even with those complicated social expectations, sit up and reassess.  And that’s what you see up there. It’s not phrased, “If you don’t do this your kid will die”… it’s phrased, “I know you want what’s best for your kid, and you wouldn’t be asking questions if you weren’t a good parent, and let me give you another angle to look at this from.” (And then the science is presented.)

It doesn’t always work. 

But it works often enough to be worth the effort.  And it almost always needs to come from an outside person.  Because asking a kid who is struggling through dysphoria and fear of parental alienation to coddle their parent through this is often too much when that kid is ALSO going through puberty and unsure whether their parents are truly assholes who care more about their own expectations than they do the person their child actually is or just misguided. 

I’ve seen so many parents make the leap, with varying levels of grace.  But I’ve also seen so many kids whose parents failed to make the leap, or worse, didn’t even try.  If your parents didn’t make this leap, I want you to know that it isn’t because you did anything wrong or failed to make the correct attempt. In most cases, it’s a failing of family culture, and has roots farther back than you could possibly have influenced. 

But if you’re a teen, and having a hard time figuring out whether your parent is really evil or just inept, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reach out, when you can, to an adult who does already understand the issues, and specifically someone who is working for a hotline or is already a parent of a trans kid who is supportive.  I know parents around the country who would literally open their homes to kids and young adults in a heartbeat if necessary, to give them a soft space to land from parental rejection. I know multiple parents in the town I’m in. 

stowaways_toys on Instagram

So I found this and sent it to her. Because this is what they want to know: how badly is this pain affecting you? Not on a scale of “nothing” to “how I’d imagine it’d feel if bears were eating my still-living guts while I was on fire”. 

10 - I am in bed and I can’t move due to my pain. I need someone to take me to the emergency room because of my pain.

9 - My pain is all that I can think about. I can barely move or talk because of my pain.

8 - My pain is so severe that it is difficult to think of anything else. Talking and listening are difficult.

7 - I am in pain all the time. It keeps me from doing most activities.

6 - I think about my pain all of the time. I give up many activities because of my pain.

5 - I think about my pain most of the time. I cannot do some of the activities I need to do each day because of the pain.

4 - I am constantly aware of my pain but can continue most activities.

3 - My pain bothers me but I can ignore it most of the time.

2 - I have a low level of pain. I am aware of my pain only when I pay attention to it.

1 - My pain is hardly noticeable.

For example, if someone asked me how much pain I’m in at any given time, I’d say hardly any, and yet I’m apparently at a chronic 2.5, and it only goes up from there depending on the day. 

10: can barely move; can’t talk

9: can barely move; can talk

8: can move, but can’t do much more than watch TV

7: can watch TV and play a game on my phone simultaneously

6: can do work on my computer lying in bed

5: can get around the house, but definitely couldn’t go out

4: can run a light errand

3: can get in my 10,000 steps, making my fitbit happy

2: can do three or more activities in a single day

Mental Health Pain Scale transcription:

MILD

1 - Everything is a-okay! There is absolutely nothing wrong. You’re probably cuddling a fluffy kitten right now. Enjoy!

2 - You’re a bit frustrated or disappointed, but you’re easily distracted and cheered up with a little effort.

3 - Things are bothering you, but you’re coping. You might be overtired or hungry. The emotional equivalent of a headache.

MODERATE

4 - Today is a bad day (or a few bad days). You still have the skills to get through it, but be gentle with yourself. Use self-care strategies.

5 - Your mental health is starting to impact on your everyday life. Easy things are becoming difficult. You should talk to your doctor.

6 - You can’t do things the way you usually do them due to your mental health. Impulsive and compulsive thoughts may be hard to cope with.

SEVERE

7 - You’re avoiding things that make you more distressed, but that will make it worse. You should definitely seek help. This is serious.

8 - You can’t hide your struggles any more. You may have issues sleeping, eating, having fun, socialising, and work/study. Your mental health is affecting almost all parts of your life.

9 - You’re at a critical point. You aren’t functioning any more. You need urgent help. You may be a risk to yourself or others if left untreated.

… the Untitled Goose is now a leftist icon:

(graphic taken from https://twitter.com/IGN/status/1175492642773200897)

In celebration of our apparently new SJW ally, I give you some handy graphics: