Trans-figure

I’m going to take a break from writing about depressing stuff that’s happened.  This time, there’s no talk of issues or sadness.  Right here, right now, I’ll be writing about some of the positives I’ve learned through my experience as a trans* person.  Most of us don’t think about it that often because we’re too busy thinking of the awful stuff that has happened to us or others in our community.  Some people I know haven’t had any good happenings.  I am fortunate enough to have really fantastic people in my life.  I won’t write long winded paragraphs like I usually do.  I’ll just lay out some little life lessons and anecdotes that might make someone feel like there’s some hope in the world.

-        I’m now more accepting than I could ever hope to be.

-        I found out about more social movements through the LGBT movement, like feminism and anti-ableism

-        I love everyone for who they are

-        I’ve the uncanny ability to switch gender pronouns immediately after someone comes out, without fail

-        Gender is no longer a restrictive binary and the world is much more open

-        One time, in high school, I ran for VP. A person running against me tweeted something about no one wanting a fat lesbian that thinks they’re a guy to be VP.  It was shown by several people to the principal and stuff. She was disqualified and suspended I think.  Even those that voted for the other candidate were really happy that had happened because it was unnecessary and I was really nice to this girl and thought she was my friend. I won, BTW.

-        People have said anti-trans* stuff about me in school.  They were promptly disciplined and made into fools by teachers and fellow students.  Holla!

-        I’ve been told I’m inspirational by a couple people and it makes me want to cry and I like people a lot.

-        I was accepted at Starbucks immediately.  They have a no discrimination policy that includes gender variant individuals.

-        I’ve been able to give advice and help out other trans* and gender variant people with resources, stories, and general support.  It’s easier to be out when you’ve got a friend there to help you.

-        You don’t need a dick to be a man and you especially don’t need a dick to please a woman.

  True story- I’m sitting at Starbucks during the summer of 2013, drinking coffee and reading a comic book.  Suddenly, a woman approaches me.  Without hesitation, she asks “are you a boy or a girl?”  Needless to say, I was dumbfounded.  I did, however, proceed to tell her I was trans* and we had a small conversation.  She seemed pleasant enough, but her social skills (at least towards someone different) were lacking. My name wasn’t asked, there was no introduction, and my identity was a question of “either or.”  (Psst!  Gender is NOT a binary system!) Although she may have been intrusive and impolite, I instinctively knew her curiosity was real and coming from a place of understanding, not judgment or fear.  She was lucky enough to ask someone who is extremely willing to look past annoyances to get a chance to teach other people.  I love teaching people things they don’t already know!

This, however, is not the case for everyone. Most people do not want to be teachers all of the time.  Moms get constant questions about their kids – they don’t want that.  Asian Americans get constant questions about their academics – they don’t want that.  LGB individuals get constant questions about their sexuality – they don’t want that. The same goes for us.  We do not want to teach people about things that don’t concern them.  We are not teachers, and we should not be forced to be a teacher at some random store to someone we’ve never met.  Sure, there are occasions when it’s appropriate to reach out.  Sometimes the person asking is nice (or attractive) and legitimately has real curiosity, and we’re in the right mood to respond positively.   But that is not always the situation.

And it should not have to be.  No one should be forced to answer questions they’re not comfortable with.  It isn’t a personal attack against the asker, and it’s not like we don’t want them to learn, it’s just a nuisance to take time out of the day to tell someone something they should not care about, or something they should already know.  In that aspect, we are not teachers – we are not paid to teach and do not have any responsibility to teach anyone anything. 

That being said, we should not spite those that ask questions.  Questioning is a sign of free thought, which should be encouraged.  We ask questions so we can understand, and that is important to all people.  The more understanding, the better! Maybe we are more prone to what we might deem “stupid questions” because we’re an incredibly small and misunderstood minority.  That lack of understanding means others aren’t necessarily aware that their questions are invasive, discourteous, or disrespectful.  That’s not to say that, if you’re not comfortable answering a question from someone you don’t know that well that you have to go into grimy details.  In my experience “I’m not comfortable answering that, it’s very personal” is sufficient enough for the inquirer.  If it isn’t, then they need a reality check, not you.  Sometimes, that’s the best thing you can do for someone – to let them know that the questions they have aren’t necessarily bad, but they are not welcomed or appropriate.  It’s kind of like Gretchen’s “Oh my god Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re white” moment. Mean Girls got it down.

Of course, there are those jerks that won’t take no for an answer, or those that aren’t really curious, but just want to try to seem clever over the internet and make fun of someone else’s plight. There are two ways to approach that situation appropriately- ignore them or blow their minds with science and how awesomely unparalleled you are (though that’s just a given).

Hey, everyone!  Sorry I haven't been posting on here, like, at all!  Lemme give you a quick few updates and stuff!

Oh, God, how I hate the guessing game.  Which bathroom do I use today? Do I look more like a dude or a chick?  What do I have to do to make everyone else more comfortable with their gender stereotypes and crappy expectations?  

It is really, very tiring.  I doubt any cisgender people can relate as deeply to this subject as they may wish to.  The difficulty with which we have to live our daily lives is already high enough- it just plain sucks that we have to deal with other people’s B.S. too.

Imagine going into your favorite restaurant.  You’re sitting down, having a nice meal, and you’re genuinely enjoying the ambiance of the place.  Then you notice something- the wait-staff is acting rather peculiar.  It’s probably nothing, you think, but you know where this is headed.  Out of the corner of your vision you see them whispering in a small, huddled group, eyes darting suspiciously to you, then back to the matter at hand.  You try not to think about it, you’re sure it will work out for the best, and you keep your focus on the menu.  Over the murmurs of activity, you observe the patrons next to you shift uncomfortably in their seats.  Suddenly, some words of theirs pass your ear - “boy or girl?” 

And so starts the feeling in your gut.  You’re making others uncomfortable, and you know it.  Perhaps you’re angry, perhaps you’re ashamed, or maybe you actually don’t give a damn.  In all honesty, you know that it isn’t your fault and they just have to deal, but somehow the giggles of other customers or employees do redden your cheeks a bit.  Finally, your waiter approaches. 

If you’re lucky, if it’s a good day, if you’re stealth, they use the correct pronouns.  If they’re smart, they ask your name to get some semblance of an idea what the hell you are.  At least that one is polite enough to try without directly embarrassing themselves or you.  Sometimes, though, you’re stuck with the person who says the wrong thing- and, hell, you don’t want to hurt the poor kid or be bombarded with evil glares …so you keep quiet.  Nevertheless, this is life, so you deal with it…, or you correct them, but everyone still has their suspicions, because what’s in your pants is totally their business. 

Then comes the dreaded moment that I hate; using the restroom.  Even though you drank very little, and you’re not stuffed, you still have to go, and by “have to” I mean have to.  So, you get up.  You ask the waiter where the restroom is. 

“Oh, down that hallway, second door on the right”, she says.  You do really hope this is the right one.  Lo and behold, it is not.  Now, you have a couple of options.  The waiter is staring at you, and you’re unsure, but hesitating to use a restroom is weird as hell and you know that.  You use this one, turn around and use the correct one, or hope that there’s a family restroom that you’re just not seeing.  Occasionally there might be a scapegoat, like a water-fountain, but damn, you really have to go. 

So herein lay the guessing game; asking yourself what you look more like, how others will react, hoping for the best, and longing for the day that this won’t be a problem.  Your choice is made and hopefully it’s the “right” one.  However, there never is a right choice.  No one ever prepared you for this shit when you were in school.  There was no “How to Use the Restroom if You’re Not Cisgender 101.”  There were no mentors to tell you what to do, and there definitely isn’t a mirror between the two doors that magically tells you which one to use so that you won’t be yelled at or beat up. 

What is more disappointing is that you know it should not matter.  Your safety should not be based on other people’s shitty ideas of what gender is.  You should not have to worry for your well-being when you use the fucking bathroom- you just want to go, damnit!  And you know that, but you have absolutely no control over it, so you either brave the risk or play it safe, but you shouldn’t have to.  No one should.   Maybe you complain online the next day, but it’s truly hard to do that because here come the “Get the fuck over it” and “you don’t deserve special rights” and “you’re a tranny who doesn’t deserve life” crowds.  Great, now you’re a pariah, assuming you weren’t already.  Congratulations!  Somehow, by using the fucking bathroom, you’ve become the bane of someone else’s existence.  Sorry, there’s no medal, just the feeling of utter disappointment and Dysphoria that is already an innate part of a transgender person’s life.  And it sucks, and you feel bad, and everyone else is either mad or confused.  All because we had to play the guessing game.  All because people care excessively much about what is between the legs.  Good- Great!  Fantastic.  Don’t we all just feel like winners?