Dazed and Confused.

I got my cold brew this morning and went to the harbor to have my first official listen to the album. I was really holding it together until “Beyond Me”. That one hit me the hardest. “You must release what you hold dear”. I really felt like Dave was speaking directly to me when he sang that. There are so many things that I have been holding onto. I really need to release them. It hurts to let go. But I do need to accept change and let go. I need to make room for new. 

And the line: “Forever young and free”. That made me think of T. God, he was so young. And he will be forever young.

I’ve now seen them 12 times over the past 12 years. But on Wednesday in New Hampshire, it felt like I was seeing them for the very first time. Things felt so new. So different. And of course, that is expected. It just felt surreal to see this new chapter unfold in real time. I know it wasn’t easy for them. And that was something Dave expressed on stage. But they did it. They came together and the music guided them through it all. We were all processing it together.

It was interesting to see how the live arrangements of songs changed up. There wasn’t a lot of chatter in between songs - Dave was saying how he didn’t even know what to say. And I can’t blame him. The music did the talking.

Sam, Barb and Laura have become such an extension of the band to me and I adore them. I hope to see them again some day but I also understand the band’s decision to strip things back.

I was so thrilled to see Nate with a mic and singing. It’s interesting to see each of them stepping up to the plate in new ways. I just love Nate so much. I’ll never forget the day I met him, he saw us from across the street and came over to say thanks for coming to the show. He was so sweet and just has the most calming energy - everything you’d hope one of your heroes to be. “There was always Nate”. I really feel like he is the glue that’s held the band together all this time. Quiet but powerful. I really think he and Dave’s friendship is beautiful. They’ve been through so much together over the years.

I will admit that “No Son of Mine” has never been my favorite. But man, when they play that live it just fucking rules. It’s so good. Makes me appreciate it a lot more. “Nothing at All” is a killer. Nate’s bass line is so good.

I started crying as soon as they debuted “But Here We Are”. The melody was so pretty. It was hard to make out some of the lyrics but I kept hearing something along the lines of “It’s not an Illusion”?. I could be totally wrong there. But that's what I heard and it was hitting me in all the places - it wasn’t an illusion - it was real. I guess I will know soon enough if that’s what I heard.

I also got all choked up whenever the band would turn around to face Josh. There were a few times when they all just gathered around him. Just seeing them embrace him in real time at their first show together - it was so emotional. For them to turn around and see someone new - that just choked me up. And you could tell it was emotional for Josh too. But he really brought it. He is insanely talented.

“Aurora” has always been one of my all time favorites. I dreamed for years and years about being able to hear it live. Now it seems to be something they will be doing regularly. I wish it could have been under different circumstances. But it was so beautiful. The whole show was beautiful and I’m so glad I was there.

On Friday, I went to see Chris do a little interview before the set. For once, I was on the rail. Lol. He talked about his new project. I love how passionate he is about his side projects. I am really looking forward to this one, especially his chat with Mike McCready!

I went to the fest with my friend, who really wanted to see Nial Horan. I don’t know much about him but I tried to stick around with her for a good chunk of his set and be a good pal. Halfway through, I peaced out. I don’t know what I was expecting… truly. I’m not much of a festival person but it was a madhouse when I made it over to the Foo stage. I was pretty far back and couldn’t really see much. It was so crowded and I honestly felt a little scared about what was going to happen once they started to play. Was I gonna get crushed? Well, the dudes went on and to my surprise, no one around me moved. I was surrounded by people just standing still and being quiet. Not gonna lie, it threw me off. And sadly, the sound where I was standing was really screwed up. The band sounded really quiet and I could only hear myself singing - and I do not have a great singing voice. But regardless, it was another great performance.

When Shane was fixing up the drum set, Dave was trying to make conversation to help pass the time. And you could tell that he was struggling to find something to even say. It made my heart break because he’s always been so talkative. I remember the guys joking about how their minds would wander when Dave would go on his long stage rants. I think I remember Shifty saying Dave caught him yawning during one of his rants once. Once again, I realize I have a parasocial relationship with these dudes. But I have depended on them for happiness for so long. And to see the roles kind of reversed in a way.. they are looking out to the fans for happiness and strength. To see them grieving was hard.

Shane nailed it. And they panned the camera to him walking off the stage to Alison. The last time I saw her was at the tribute show in LA. She looked so distraught that day - and understandably so!! But last night, she looked smiley and so proud of Shane. It made my heart happy. So much love to the Hawkins family.

Last night, Dave was talking about how the Foo’s are a family. And he said something along the lines of hoping we felt like family too. And strangely enough, I do. I am so proud of this family. Their perseverance. I will miss Taylor’s presence on stage forever. But they’ve inspired me to embrace change. I need to embrace change in my life too. I love them so much. I can’t wait to hear the new album.