touch

just once

to be looked at

like i am the moon

in glorious awe

of the way i shine

even when i

am not at my

for fear that when i began

i'd never be able to stop

but in my silence i found comfort

and a profound lack of criticism

that has spoken so much

reassurance to my heart

but my body keeps the score

when i do not speak her truth

she speaks it louder

until i can no longer ignore her

there were days i would have blamed her

for punishing me

simply because she has needs

i've said the words "my body hates me"

more times than i can count

but i know in truth

that it is i who hates her

not by my own valition

but through years of training

years of listening to the way women

tear their bodies apart

years of religion that fundamentally

called for abandoning my body

i have left her hanging and ignored

her quiet and gentle requests

until she has no choice but to be loud

you see she loves me far too much

to sit in silence while i suffer

she's endlessly gracious

and wildly forgiving

the only friend i was born with

and the last one i will wish farewell

as we dissolve back into the earth

she is an ancient beauty

guiding me with wisdom

her ancestors passed down

without ever speaking a word

drawing me to sweetness and richness

and softness and laughter

i feel impossibly little

engulfed in his safety

for a moment

totally free from thought

i trust him

and know that i

a storm in my mind

brewing the worst thoughts

throwing the heaviest stones

trying its hardest to

kick down my progress

to crush my tender

young self confidence

and though the storm

rages behind my eyes

i must remember

i was born to be

my dad taught me

when i was barely

tall enough to see

into the pan

and i'm coming to love

the mornings we spend

over toast and cards

wondering what you'll teach

our daughters

on sunday mornings

they know something you do not

but as they murmur across your body

an hour before it closes

on a rainy sunday afternoon

my coffee is too sweet

and my dress is too short

but i'm laughing with you

and i can't imagine

in my city

the lights are too bright

and the sky is too cloudy

but i trust that they are there

shining for me on days

when i cannot see them

a reminder that i exist

even when i can't feel

trying to catch my breath

from something i can't see

but the moment i slow down

i hear it in my ear

threatening to drag me down

and by the time i recognize

the panting as my own

i've run so far from myself

i don't know where i am

hoping to see you

only to feel the sinking

in my stomach remind me

that it's been two years

and i still forget

because the memory

of your laugh

is so vivid in my mind

i can't imagine this world