𝓜𝓸𝓶𝓲.

as if it were a slap in the face, you blinked again, eyes fully open now as you craned your head to face your left when you felt the body next to you shift slightly with your subtle movements; having forgotten where you were and how you got there until your brain tuned in on the sound and feel of deep, slow breaths fanning the nape of your neck.

you were in satoru’s bedroom. in satoru’s arms. you wanted to be surprised, but if you were honest with yourself there was absolutely nothing surprising about both your and satoru’s behavior anymore; especially not after months of it.

you sighed at the sight of satoru beside you, because as much as you’d wanted there to be boundaries in what you both did, those lines only got more blurred the longer this went on. this — this unspoken arrangement between you two. a night of fire and passion that ended with you falling asleep in satoru’s arms, only for you to wake up the next morning realizing you’d lost sight of where the line is. you lost sight of when it’d started feeling so much more intimate, so much more than just a friends with benefits deal you both neither proposed nor opposed. 

but that wasn't your favorite part about it.

your favorite part of this unofficial arrangement — something all your mutual friends seemed to know about but never questioned, something that made your desire to feel satoru’s lips on yours after one too many drinks feel so natural. something that engraved the sound of satoru’s deep moans into your memory banks like a record stuck on repeat, constantly echoing in your head as your own hands wandered under your bedsheets on most other nights.

it was not just the sensation of feeling so full of satoru, but rather being wrapped up in him, cradled into his warm embrace under the thick comforter draped over your shoulders. evened out breaths coming out in slow exhales as satoru hid his face in your hair, one arm wrapped around your midsection, tucked under your elbow and over your stomach, his palm laying flat against the often bared skin. the other arm was always either folded against your back, hand resting underneath his head, or it would be laying flat underneath you and around your shoulders, reaching around you and tangling in your own arms.

(on one morning a while back, you found you’d grabbed satoru’s hand at one point in the night, or satoru may have grabbed yours. but your intertwined fingers had left a tingling sensation in you that continued to burn in your fingertips for the following week — a fire that’s yet to be put out)

the feeling of being wrapped up in satoru’s embrace. all the warmth, the safety that seems to come with it. that’s your favorite part of this whole thing — feeling warm, feeling safe. wanted.

in the crisp december air, the cold often radiated through the drywall and into satoru’s apartment, leaving it much cooler than it was the first morning you had woken up in his bedroom all those months ago. it was during february earlier in the year, the night of suguru’s birthday party. held at satoru’s place, everyone had gotten drunk off beer and rum, and were all passed out in the living or guest rooms. with the exception of you and satoru, who’d both stumbled into satoru’s room after a drunken dare.

your lips first met his in the direction of a spinning glass bottle, and they hadn’t parted until your back hit the mattress of satoru’s bed, only separating to gasp when satoru’s wandering hands slipped underneath your shirt. and when you woke the next morning, the first of many with him, the incessant pounding in your head from your hangover was not nearly as strong as the pounding in your heart when your remembered what happened. you swore off alcohol to avoid crossing any more lines with your best friend ever again, but that rule was quickly forgotten the following week when you all got together once again. when you woke up in satoru’s embrace, again.

even as the months passed, and the temperature oscillated as the seasons changed, it did nothing to change the sheer warmth that spread throughout your chest every morning you woke up in satoru’s apartment. in fact, as it got colder now, in contrast satoru’s embrace around you only seemed to get warmer. you secretly craved this warmth.

shifting in his hold, you turned your body to face satoru completely, head falling back down on the pillow as you lay on your side. in his sleep, you observed, satoru was at his most vulnerable state. his underlying neediness was most evident in the way he held onto you, as if he was afraid that you would float away from him if he were to let go. the delicateness of his snow-white eyelashes that settled over his cheekbones were a marvelous sight on its own; the contrast between the snowy strands and his soft pink cheeks stood out to you like nothing you’d ever seen.

the sunlight seemed to embrace satoru in its own way as well, kissing every inch of his face as it leaked through the blinds, making itself at home. you couldn’t help the flutter in your heart as you watched satoru in his peaceful slumber; a beautiful sight you were lucky enough to witness. 

it was something you still couldn’t believe you were experiencing. it was something you felt like you could write stories and songs and poems about, rambling on and on about his ocean-like eyes and sharp features morphing into soft, delicate ones around the edges, an almost perfectly symmetrical beauty that was all-natural… and you just couldn’t keep it to yourself.

“i don’t get it.” you would mumble, softly as first, your hand coming up to card your fingers through your hair as you glanced at the kitchen entrance for a brief second to make sure no one else would walk in on your conversation. “why do i feel so lucky to have a taste of something that will never truly belong to me?”

“honestly,” another one of your closest friends shoko ieiri, usually the one to hear these emotional ramblings, shrugged at your words. “the unspoken part of this unofficial arrangement is as surprising to me as it is to you. you two are very talkative with each other, but there’s something you both have to come to terms with that i can’t help you figure out. you gotta do it on your own.” is what she’d reply with, nudging at your shoulder when you would shake your head in response again.

“i don’t… i don’t know what i think, what i feel. i mean, i- he’s my best friend.”

“why are you telling me this? i already know that.” shoko replies nonchalantly, and you suddenly feel like you’ve had this conversation a thousand times before. every time it takes you no further than the point you’re currently at. “does satoru know that, or does he think it’s something else? something more?”

for a moment, satoru’s breath comes out in a quiet snore, loud enough to pull you from your thoughts and back to the sight in front of you. satoru’s lips stretch into a thin line, his eyebrows furrowing slightly as he swallows before his face relaxes again, evidence that he was still fast asleep. the corners of your own lips twitch upwards at the sight, fighting back a smile of endearment. if you knew any better, you’d say you were growing feelings for satoru, but there’s no way that’s what’s happening… right?

besides, from your own understanding of it, being in love was supposed to feel like you were flying. you didn’t feel that around satoru.

instead, however, you look at satoru and think he is the one flying instead, forever chasing his youth in the sun. reflecting the warmth it radiates into his interactions with everyone around him, always bubbling with energy and full of love in his own unique ways. something about his ability to switch the mood of every room he’s ever been in (for better or for worse) has had you stuck to his side like a magnet, drawing you in closer and closer until you found you couldn’t escape. or at least, you hadn’t wanted to. 

you think of the story of icarus when you look at satoru, of a boy flying higher and higher to fully soak in the sun, but rather than having his wings melt off, for satoru they grow stronger. as if he was born of the sun, recharging and bringing this bright energy back to all the people he cares about, even as it burned him a little bit in the process.

satoru snores again, and you have to chew on your lower lip to stifle a giggle when you catch sight of his mouth hanging open again against the pillow. your own face relaxes into a soft smile, unable to take your eyes off of satoru. something about the morning after a night with him always makes your chest feel tight, a feeling you weren’t too familiar with and weren’t necessarily sure you were enjoying. it constantly tugged at your heartstrings the longer you looked at him and it felt… odd. letting out a shaky breath, hesitantly, your hand went up to brush a few strands of hair from satoru’s forehead.

slowly, you began to run your fingers through satoru’s hair, and as your brain was starting to catch up with you, you nearly snatched your hand away when satoru stirred. he hadn’t woken up yet, but he hummed in his sleep, shifting his head slightly as if he was subconsciously attempting to lean into the soft touch of your hands. you felt the tightness in your chest again.

a small groan rumbled in the back of satoru’s throat, and while you continued to card your fingers through the white strands, satoru shifted again and your heart stopped when you realized satoru was waking up. pulling your hand back immediately, it found its way underneath your head on the pillow, and before satoru’s eyes had opened you shut your own, pretending to be fast asleep as satoru woke up.

though you couldn’t see him with your eyes closed, you heard the loud yawn escape satoru’s lips, and imagined his fluttering eyelids adjusting to the sunlight. satoru lifted his arm from around your stomach presumably to stretch, and you had to fight back a smile while hearing a small squeak escape satoru’s lips. his arm then fell back around your middle, exhaling again. now came the part you always secretly dreaded.

it was silent for a moment, save for the soft sounds of satoru’s breath escaping his nose. as per most other mornings where satoru would wake up first (or so he thought; you usually pretended to be asleep whenever he did), you had expected satoru to unwrap the long limbs embracing you, always in a slow manner to prevent you from waking up. after satoru would release you from his hold, he’d either distance himself in bed to not weird you out when you awoke, or he would actually get up and drag himself to the bathroom in the hallway, closing the door on the shroud of intimacy you both shared in your slumber.

you were already thinking of how you would pretend to wake up when satoru would begin moving.

but satoru didn’t do any of that this time around. instead, you heard him hum deeply, and your gut feeling told you satoru’s eyes were glued to your face, perhaps even with an endearing smile of his own; but you didn’t want to entertain the possibility too far. you felt satoru lift his arm again, and to your surprise, satoru’s hand came up to your face. his gentle touch was almost enough to make you combust, suddenly overcome once again with the intensity of a foreign feeling you desperately tried to bury. satoru’s fingertips touched your cheek, softly at first, his hand almost cupping your face. he then began to move up to brush your hair off your forehead and trace his fingers from your hairline all the way across your scalp until his hand finally settled at the nape of your neck. 

unexpectedly, satoru moved the arm he had around your shoulders a little lower to wrap around your midriff instead, and he swiftly pulled you closer into his embrace, carefully tucking your head underneath his chin and into his chest as he fully wrapped both arms around you, your legs tangling with his in the process. you felt your heart stop and then start again, beating twice as fast this time around.

“i know you’re awake.” satoru mumbled against your hair, and your eyes snapped open. “relax… i’m just getting more comfortable.” he yawned, his tone groggy and thick with sleep. you sighed into his chest and caved, allowing yourself to relax in his arms.

“it’s cold this morning…” he hummed softly after a beat of silence, one of his hands absentmindedly rubbing your back to generate more heat for you. satoru closed his eyes again, exhaling slowly, and it almost sounded like he was going to fall back asleep. his grip around you tightened ever so slightly. “you sleep well?” 

you didn’t know what to say in response. anything you had intended on saying — like some rinse-and-repeat from every other morning you’ve woken up with him — died on your tongue, as you were completely distracted by the soft thump of his heartbeat in his chest instead. if you pressed your ear against it and concentrated a little further, you’d have heard the way it fluttered just the slightest bit when you melted further in his embrace. 

satoru’s brows furrowed when you didn’t respond, slowly loosening his grip around you to pull your head back. “lemme see you…” he murmured, his tone gentle and sweet and enough to make your heart do a pathetic little flip. he cupped your jawline, tilting your head back enough for you to meet his eyes. even when he’s half-asleep, the intense gaze he holds in his irises makes you feel like your world is spinning. his thumb brushed over your cheekbone, gentle in the way he traced the pad of it over your flushed skin. the corners of his lips twitched upwards, just enough for you to notice the gears turning in his head as he thought of something to say. “you’re blushing.”

and just like that, all the tension in the air snapped like a twig. with a loud groan, you tucked your face back into his shoulder, feeling him shake beside you as a breathless laugh rippled through his chest. “you’re annoying…” you grumbled in response, your voice muffled against his skin. you could already picture the way he must have beamed with a mischievous glint in his eyes, if his arms squeezing you gently told you anything about his reaction. he hummed softly, contently. 

the silence that followed wasn’t awkward, but it was… deafening. his soft breath tickled the back of your neck, and you felt like you were supposed to do something. anything. this is the longest you both had stayed in bed together after waking up, it felt like you were waiting for something to happen but nothing did, and it made your stomach twist in all sorts of knots. having modesty regarding your body around satoru is old news, but moments like this made you want to curl up and hide yourself from him. moments like this make you wonder if he still held any sort of attraction towards you after the alcohol was filtered out of his system.

“you bored already?” he murmured softly when he felt you starting to slip from his embrace, your body completely stiff as you pulled away from him. the slight amusement in his voice was only overshadowed by the sleepy tone he used, indicative of the fact that he was not fully present to notice how much you were internally freaking out. “kinda wanted to lay here with you a bit longer, but i guess if you wanna get up…” satoru trailed off then, his mouth forming a small, playful pout. you suddenly felt the urge to kiss his stupid, sleepy face.

“oh, i just…” you trailed off as well, unsure what to say. what were you supposed to say, anyway? you don’t think that telling him ‘hey, sorry i’m just kinda freaking out because i think i have very real feelings for you and every time you look at me like that i want to either kiss you or hide under the sheets’ would go so well. “just… didn’t think you wanted to sleep in, is all…’ you added, hoping it was a good enough excuse for him to brush off your words. (spoiler alert: it was not.)

“you’re not gettin’ all shy on me now, are you?” he teased gently, a lopsided grin tugging at his mouth as his fingers found your wrist, lightly tugging you towards him again. “don’t you think we’re both way past that already?” he chuckled, his eyes shining a little more when he saw the way the blush crept down your neck. 

“i’m not, it’s just that…” you sighed heavily, and the conflicted furrow in your brows made satoru blink a little bit in surprise, as if he was just catching on to how nervous you feel. his thumb rubbed along the skin of your wrist comfortingly, and he scooted closer to lay his head on the very pillow you used, his nose just brushing against yours in the process. “you okay?” he asked when you remained silent, his voice softer than you’d ever heard it before.

“don’t you… don’t you think this has been going on for too long already?” you mumbled after a moment of silence, choosing your words carefully as you searched his eyes for any reaction from him. when his expression remained neutral, likely a conscious decision on his behalf, you took a deep breath before you continued talking. “like, it’ll be a year in 2 months, and we never even really talked about this. is that not… concerning you at all?” you added, a little hesitantly. when he blinked at you is when you noticed how tightlipped he looked, as if he was holding back the natural reaction he wanted to have to your words. you wished he wouldn’t hold it back.

“well…” he started after considering your words for a moment, exhaling softly. “do you want to? talk about it, i mean,” he says, stammering just a little bit over his words. he swallowed thickly, looking down at your wrist in his hands, and then back up at your face. “are you… having regrets?”

you hesitated in your response, and his expression seemed deflated when you didn’t respond immediately, as if he’d expected a different answer from you. “i think it’s too late for regrets.” you settled on, and something in your chest ached when his expression faltered for just a moment.

“so… that’s a yes, then?” he asked after a moment, because he needed to hear you say it exactly as it was. you sighed softly, shifting a little bit to lay on your back as you opted to look up at the ceiling for the sake of your fluttering chest.

“yes… and no…” you said, and you could feel satoru shift as well as he lifted his head slightly to look down at your face. he let go of your wrist, and the absence of the warmth of his touch was noticed immediately. 

“i’m gonna need you to elaborate more on that before i share my response.” 

your lips pursed a little bit as you thought of what to say, your thumb fiddling over your bare stomach underneath the blanket. “yes, i’m having regrets. no, it’s… not in the way you’re thinking.” you mumbled after a moment, your eyes glued to the streams of light that filtered through the blinds, the small shapes casted across the ceiling being your excuse to avoid satoru’s gaze. “every night we spend together is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. it feels so good, so…” you bit your lip and shook your head, getting a little worked up just at the reminder of how good in bed satoru is. “it’s… its too good. i keep coming back for more, and you’re already such an important part of my life, i’m worried that i-… that i’ll…”

“…that you’ll fall for me?” satoru interjected carefully, and it was then that you turned your head to look at him beside you. his voice was so quiet, and the vulnerability he held in his eyes made you feel like you just had to kiss all his worries away. you’re not worried you’ll fall for him, you’re worried that you already have.

you didn’t respond, but he could see it in your eyes. the hesitation, the longing. months and months of pacing back and forth in your room for days after every night spent together, wondering why your heart was beating the way it was when you thought about him. wondering why you found every excuse to be with him, why your heart skipped a beat whenever he texted or called you randomly. “i just wanted to hear from you,” he would say each time, as if talking to you as frequently as he already did was a necessity for him. likewise, you found that on the days you both were too busy to see or speak to each other it always felt like something was missing. and when you both caught up as soon as you had the time, it felt like you could finally breathe again.

“can i be honest with you?” he spoke after a moment, exhaling softly as he dropped his head back down onto the pillow, laying on his back as well to mirror your own position as you both stared up at the ceiling of his room. “'course, ‘toru. i’m listening.”

he frowned a little bit when you used his nickname, hating the way his heart skipped a beat, but he sighed and continued anyway. “i don’t want this to stop.” he paused then, as if he cut himself off because his heart was about to leap out of his body through his throat. he swallowed roughly. “i want to keep doing this with you… i-… i want to do so much more with you…” he confesses, and the uncharacteristic hesitance in his tone almost makes it hard for you to believe what he’s saying. 

“you want… more…?” you asked carefully, simultaneously unsure and completely aware of what he was trying to say, but you had to hear him say it in clearer words to be safe. “what- um, what did you have in mind?” you almost feel like slapping yourself, just to make sure you’re still awake. 

satoru allows a small smile to creep on his face, if only for a moment, before replying. “i want to be with you like this every day- not, uh, not that we have to hook up every day- i mean, i wouldn’t necessarily complaineither if i’m being honest with you, but-“ he stammered as he tried to steady his train of thoughts and his rapidly beating heart. it was stupidly endearing. 

he shook his head again, effectively snapping himself out of it. “just… this-“ he paused, lifting his arm and gesturing a hand between the two of you. “i like this, this calmness. i just… like being with you like this.” for a man who never stopped talking, satoru only ever seemed to be at a loss for words when it came to describing his own feelings — when it came to voicing his own needs and desires, letting other people into a vulnerable part of his heart that he would sometimes seal away even from himself; as if burying it deep within his soul would make it easier to ignore.

you didn’t respond for a moment, instead letting his words settle in your mind and in your heart. you felt his fingertips brush against your wrist again, looking down to see him hesitantly coiling his fingers around the base of your palm. torn between holding your hand and giving you whatever space you needed to process his subtle confession. 

“you just…” he started to add after another moment of silence, his heart hammering in his chest. he doesn’t think he’s ever felt so nervous before, the sensation crawled all the way down to his fingertips and it took everything in him to keep them from trembling. “you make me feel crazy, y’know?” he said with a breath of a laugh, but his clipped tone of voice showed anything but amusement. “like, i don’t think i’ve ever felt so strongly about someone. when this all started, i thought-“ he cleared his throat, probably an excuse to hide the slight shake of his voice. “i thought you also felt the same way. but if you don’t, then…” his voice got a little quiet by the end, and you turned your head to see he was avoiding your gaze now, his eyes fixed on the ceiling with a tight furrow in his brows. he looked hurt.

“so, you’re saying… you like me?” you asked a little dumbly. satoru huffed in mild frustration, his cheeks flushing a soft shade of pink. 

“that’s precisely what i’m saying.” 

you hummed in response, and when you turned to look up at the ceiling again you felt a small smile tugging at your lips. “…okay.” is all you said. you felt satoru shift beside you, like he was expecting the worst to come of your response, but when you turned your wrist in his grasp to slide your fingers in between his, he stiffened a little bit before relaxing and gently squeezing your hand.

“so…” he spoke up after a few moments of silence, his tone still nervous. “that’s alright with you, then?”

you glanced at him with a small smile, your gaze softening when you saw the way he nervously chewed on his lower lip in anticipation. “i think it is, yeah…” you whispered softly.

the smile he gave you made your heart flutter in your chest. he let out a breath of relief, his face flushing a little bit as he gazed at you with so much affection — the same way he always looked at you. except now, you could finally put a name to what that look in his eyes was.

there wasn’t much else to say after that. neither of you needed to say anything else. it was reminiscent of the way this whole thing started — in satire’s bed all those months ago. there wasn’t much of a need to discuss it after the first few weeks, because you both knew where you’d end up by the evening on most nights anyway. you knew each other like the sun knows the moon, and it couldn’t be any clearer right now. there was no need to further discuss what it would mean for you two moving forward from this conversation, because now you both knew exactly what you wanted — and that was each other.