It's Us!

But none of them knows who is?

See, each of his five children acts and looks so much like Bruce that they can’t figure out which one it is. Most swear it’s Cass. She’s the one whose origin they know the least about, plus she acts the most like their father, so the majority of the population assume it’s Cass. Others think it’s Tim, since no billionaire would give his very important company to his kid unless he were his actual child. But a lot of people also suspect that Jason is the product of one drunken night between Bruce Wayne and some random woman who died and left him Jaspk to take care of, which would explain why Bruce adopted some random street rat without warning. Though questions often circulate about whether Duck Grayson was actually the son of a pair of acrobats, or if it was all a ploy to hide his true origin, which was a scandalous love affair that occurred between Bruce Wayne and Marie Grayson during a trip to see the circus.

Bruce: *sitting and reading the newspaper* 

*suddenly hears a crash and some screaming from upstairs* 

*footsteps running back and forth on the ceiling*  

Dick: Bruuuuuuce!!!!

*another crash and some muffled grunting* 

Jason: Don’t listen to him, Bruce, everything is fine!!!

*some more muffled cursing and punches*

Damian: This is all your fault, Todd!!!

Tim: For the love of god, somebody put out the fire!!!!

*more running* 

Steph: I got it!!!

*the sounds of a pipe bursting* 

*more screaming and cursing* 

Dick: Bruuuce!!! Call the fire department!!!

Tim: Screw that, call the Justice League!!! Damian’s on fire!!!

*more screaming* 

Bruce: Why?

–

Bruce: Jason you are in so much trouble–

Jason: I GUESS YOUR KNICKERS ARE IN A KNOT!

—-

Tim: I know you stole my coffee, you egg-suckin’ dawg!

Bruce: *sighs* Not you too…

–

Dick: Gosh golly, YOU KNOW SOMETIMES BRUCE REALLY GETS MY GOOSE

Damian: Grayson NO

–

Jason: *waving gun around* Oh no demon spawn! I have a Rooty Tooty Point ‘n Shooty!

Damian: *crying internally* TODD, THAT’S NOT EVEN A PROFANITY

–

Jason: I’m gonna tan your hide!

Riddler: Wait what?

Jason: You don’t watch out, I’m gonna cream yo’ corn!

Riddler: Wait does that mean you’re going to kick my ass??? Wat???

Jason: *roundhouse kicks him* Yes.

–

Jason: Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

Bruce: FUCK IT, JUST CURSE. I DON’T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE JUST STOP FUCKING TALKING LIKE THAT PLEASE GUYS. YOU ARE KILLING YOUR FATHER

Damian accidentally calling Dick Father 

Dick is like: 

And Damian is like: 

And Bruce is like: 

And Tim and Jason are like: 

Damian accidentally calling Dick Father 

Dick is like: 

And Damian is like: 

And Bruce is like: 

And Tim and Jason are like: 

Bruce: Order “Come. here.”

Dick: Request “Damian, would you do me a favor and come here please?”

Barbara: Realism “If you don’t come now I’m leaving without you.”

Tim: Taunt “I bet you can’t even come over here and say that to my face, noodle nose–” [ducks]

Cassandra: Bribery “Ice cream?”

Stephanie: Enticement “You wouldn’t BUH-LIEVE what’s over here, babyboo!”

Alfred: Guilt “Far be it for me to request your presence, Master Damian. It is you who owes me nothing, and instead it is the pets who exhibit loyalty, though I happen to wash and feed you just the same.”