I’m such a failure and I hate it. Lana really spoke to my soul when she said I don’t wanna live because I truly don’t want to live anymore, not a day more! Please tell me what is the point of living if I am not beautiful and I have no motivation left in me to change anything about it because I have grown tired of trying again and again and again, only to fuck up everything in a moment of pure devastation! And no “beauty is subjective” or “you are beautiful” bullshit, I live for beauty, therefore I will never stand for that bullshit that beauty isn’t important - to me it is. I am so tired of my own bullshit, I am so so so exhausted. I truly am so mad at myself and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for always fucking my own progress and life up! I just wanted to be happy and beautiful and skinny and enviable and after all the motivation and hours spent not eating and hours spent focusing somewhere else, and hours spent ignoring my hunger cues, and after all the healthy meals and green fucking juices and green fucking teas and being scared of sugar and meat and all this shit, and after hours of doing pilates and literal hundreds of thousands of steps I am back to point one because I fell into a random binge cycle !! WHAT THE FUCK !! Why does my brain hate me so much, why does my body sabotage me so much? Is something wrong with my body or with my brain? I don’t want to do anything. I am lost once again, defeated. What is the point, after all? I just want to be numb and left alone, lay in my bed with no responsibilities, no messages and calls reaching me. I just want to waste my life away in a dark room because I am tired of living a mediocre life in a mediocre body, I’m sick of it! And the funniest part is, even though I want to die I can’t just kill myself because one of my biggest fears is dying fucking fat, what a fucking joke my mind is. So as I write all of my thoughts here my mind is still telling me to go outside and walk till my legs feel sore to burn whatever I mindlessly ate today, and I will do that.
