everything is everything

I usually forget the pit you left to rot in the bottom of my stomach, but now I swallow and taste salt on the back of my throat. We can never return to the greenest summer where we danced through kitchens. I wish we could edit and amend the sad parts of our past. In place of every tear drop, every strawberry cut, and lonely hour without sleep we would have memories of laughter, music, and reprieve. I still think of how calm I feel with your weight and bones surrounding mine. I wonder how all of your idols have committed suicide and pray this is not why you worship them. I remain buried by the pain we caused our hearts yet I have found an opening to let lightness in. After months and months I have learned to allow myself to let go of the strings you pinned on my shirt sleeves. Know that I have stolen a piece of you I someday hope to put to good use. 

I could be crippled by this weight on my chest but some days my love for you makes it feel like a paper airplane waving around in a warm summer wind and this love is like a desert but we are the oasis and we always have just enough water to drink but my god this sun is blazing today because you have been away for a long time traveling as you must and I feel like rain will never come again.

I didn't speak today with an exception of the cat and the nice lady at the counseling office when I called about going back to therapy she had this way your brother has on the phone a voice thats calm and empathic. I've built a shrine to your depression in my room. It's filled with stale air and empty glasses. I'm trying to drink more water and stop eating in my bed but it's hard since the outside is too cool to leave. I bought cigarettes before work and the lady at the makeup counter must have been annoyed as my card was declined three times and I used another and some change so now I think she is not frustrated but pitied me since I barely had enough for an extra Coke. No one knows how my heart hurts and aches for you I toss and turn at night thinking I hear you but it's only my dreams recreating that which I manifest since I'm worried you'll never come back to me. I come up with metaphors and they never do you justice. You are so many things and I love you too much to even begin to comprehend. I wrote that I would lay my life down for you so you can live yours. I wish it was this easy. I mean it more than anyone when I say I love you.

And suddenly my heart moved again for the first time in weeks and it hurt in a good way

I’m searching for something - a part of me that I gave to the mountains long ago, but I can’t manage to happen upon those hidden views that feed my soul and my sense of wanderlust and adventure. There is magic in these trees. Your mind can’t cease in the city as it does when you’re walking through the woods. Buildings have to be built - planned and approved; while nature exists on its own. I do believe in miracles and being lucky. I have been too blessed by the world to deny it’s mysticism and stay rooted in fact and reason. My heart yearns for more than logic. It is hungry for love and magic and the unknown. I’m narrowing down my search for those simple words - one day I will get the order right. It’s hard to stay anywhere too long (even metaphorically). A map cannot always be found or read. We need to follow what we know of truth so we may reach a new spot in this world. 

I want to hear you laugh and make your days move easier (as you make mine). I want to see where we can go because my god this is such a feeling you've given me - I love you and I can't turn back