try me. this is a torch song. touch me and you'll burn

Even so, he lets Sylvain take his hand and try to gently pry open his fingers. The crescent moons he'd dug into his palm sting a little, but he ignores them. He'd pushed the other man away after every other one of these nightmares, but evidently, he'd only been able to do so for so long. Felix isn't normally a very tactile person, but the touch feels...grounding, in a way.

"I'm so sorry, Felix." The only thing worse than knowing that Felix has been living with these images in his mind is knowing that he's been doing it alone. That Sylvain hadn't even noticed he'd gone back. How could he have missed that? "I shouldn't have let you go. I had no idea. But I should have..." He can't remember what he'd done the night after Dimitri died. It's a blur. But he should have kept a better eye on Felix.

@torchsung asked: “  will you just…hold me? please.  ” (Sylvain to Felix) | accepting

For once, Felix hesitates. He's not exactly the type to hold someone— especially not since Glenn died, anyway— but he also can't really bring himself to deny Sylvain anything right now. Not after what he'd just gone through.

Not for the first time, he wishes that his friend had just taken the professor up on her offer to stay behind while the rest of the class went to that damn tower to take care of Miklan and his gang. But Sylvain is Sylvain, and he never would have let his friends deal with them in his place, so of course he'd come along— and now he's sitting in his room back at the monastery, alone and upset. How is Felix supposed to help with any of this?

He settles for putting his hand on Sylvain's back. It's not exactly a hug or holding him, but it's something. Goddess, he feels so useless.

@torchsung asked: “ of course i came. you called me. what’s wrong? “ (Ferdie @ Dorothea) | accepting

"Ferdie! There you are! I thought you were..."

Injured? Dead? Both? Dorothea isn't exactly sure what she'd thought. All she knows is that she'd lost sight of him in the chaos of battle, and her mind had automatically jumped to the worst possible conclusion. That's what war does; it takes and it takes, and she'd been worried that Ferdinand had become its latest victim. Whatever issues she might have with him and regardless of their past, she would never wish that upon him.

However, seeing that he'd more or less appeared out of nowhere when she'd called his name, he seems to be okay. Dorothea breathes a sigh of relief as she glances him over, for once grateful that his ridiculously earnest attitude is still intact. If it wasn't, then she'd be even more worried.

Even almost a year into her employment at Garreg Mach, it still amazes her how much people seem to...well, care about her. That certainly couldn't be said for the mercenary known as the Ashen Demon, at any rate. Byleth had only ever had her father, but maybe she won't be as alone now that he's gone as she once might have believed. The biggest example of that right now? Dimitri attempting to make tea for her.

He steeps some of the angelica, just to make his point. It isn't as if he can taste the tea one way or the other, so it doesn't matter. He likes the way chamomile smells, and he'd read once it was meant to have soothing qualities. He's not certain if it works, or if the company over a cup of tea is what helps more, but regardless. He'll try something new for the professor.

@torchsung asked: “  what can i do to help?  ” (Dimitri to Glenn) | accepting

Glenn looks up from the reports he'd been going over to see Dimitri standing (somewhat awkwardly, in his opinion) in the doorway of the war room. He knows better than most that recovering from the dark place that the prince had been in (and will likely always be part of him) will take time, but he's so relieved that any progress has been made at all that he'll take what they can get. The different between now and even a week ago is night and day.

If only his father was alive to see this. The thought makes Glenn's chest ache for a moment, but he tries to shove that grief aside. There will be time for that later, when they aren't in the middle of a war and his brother isn't still laying wounded downstairs. Besides. Dimitri's already carrying enough on his shoulders; he doesn't need that adding to it any more than it probably already is.

He shuffles anxiously in the doorway. Maybe this had been a bad idea. The professor had encouraged him to come speak with Glenn, when he'd sought out Felix and found him resting in Sylvain's room, the other man keeping a tired vigil by his bed. He'll try that conversation later. But for now, he owes an attempt to Glenn.

"I did." His voice is numb now, too emotionally drained to continue putting up a fight about this. After keeping what he'd seen that day bottled up for so long, it's as though he's watching himself talk about it through someone else's eyes. "I see what those Imperial bastards did to him every damn time I close my eyes."

He has no idea what that must have been like. The closest frame of reference he has is when he faced Miklan and his brother had transformed himself into a demonic beast. But even that was different. His stomach turns just thinking about it. "I'm sorry." Sylvain breathes, not sure what else to say. What can he say? Felix hasn't been openly sentimental for years. He doubts empty promises that it will be alright will help.

@torchsung asked: “  thank you. for always being there for me.  ” (Sylvain to Glenn) | accepting

Glenn blinks, momentarily taken aback by the gratitude, but then softens just a little. Truth to be told, he wishes he could've done more Sylvain when they were growing up. While he himself isn't that much older than the other man, even he had recognized at a young age that something bad was going on at the Gautier estate— and even if he hadn't, Felix raising all kinds of hell whenever Sylvain showed up with bruises and bandages would've made that abundantly clear. The Fraldarius family had done what they could, but it had never felt like enough.

Thankfully, however, Sylvain is in a much better situation now, and Glenn couldn't be more pleased to see it.

"Even if you hadn't been the one to find me on that mountain..." He shivers at the chill that runs through him just thinking about it, "I just...I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. So. Thanks."

He should be stubborn about this. Living with the memory of what he saw is hard enough, and he can't put that on Sylvain too. But in the back of his mind, he knows that the truth is going to come out eventually— whether he wants it to or not. Hell, he'd apparently been shouting Dimitri's name in his sleep. What else has he said that he isn't even aware of?

He can't seem to look at Sylvain, and that's okay. If it lets him talk about this Sylvain will take it. He sits still, except for the movement of his thumb on Felix's skin, afraid now that he's talking that any small movement will spook him into silence again. This is delicate work, and Sylvain is determined not to fuck it up.

Then Sylvain drops the words he'd long been dreading to hear: I heard you call out for Dimitri tonight. Felix stiffens immediately, his gaze fixated on the wall instead of his partner. His heartbeat picks up again. Shit. It was bound to happen eventually, but...he can't do this. He can't burden Sylvain with what he saw that day. He can't.

He sees Felix stiffen, and worries for a moment he's pushed him too far. Maybe he should have waited for the morning to ask him about this. But he's tired of watching Felix suffer and not being able to do anything about it. If neither of them is going back to sleep tonight, which seems likely, then he might as well try to help.

"You haven't burdened me with anything," she says, shaking her head. Byleth certainly isn't going to press him for more details, but she does understand what he's getting at. Sothis has been saying the same thing. Being isolated like this probably isn't helping her, but she isn't sure what else to do. The idea of speaking to others right now feels...daunting, at best. "I appreciate you sharing that with me, and the sentiment."

"Still. I only meant, I'm here for you." He opens the cabinet and pulls out tea, softening a little. He feels his cheeks heat as the professor mentions chamomile. Of course she has his favorite. The fact that she knows that makes him feel warm and cared for.

While Sylvain lights some candles in the room, Felix tries to focus on his breathing. In and out; in and out. Being in a blind panic won't help anything right now, though he's calmed down considerably since he'd first woken up. Even so, he knows full well that no one is going back to sleep at this point. He couldn't even if he wanted to, because he knows what he'll see if he does.

Dimitri. What he'd seen that day has been haunting him since the battle at Gronder, and he knows Sylvain is going to try to ask him about the dreams again soon enough. Honestly, he'd be more surprised if he didn't. Still, though, Felix refuses to share this particular burden with anyone else— especially not someone who'd been the former king's friend as for long as he himself had.

"Felix...I..." He sighs. "I know you probably don't want to talk about this, but...this keeps happening. And I'm worried about you. You won't tell me what's wrong, and I don't like you struggling and not telling me. So."

Byleth gives Dimitri a small nod. She's not exactly the most verbose on a good day, but now, she can't seem to find the words to say anything with. It's rude, she knows that, and that only serves to make her feel worse. The prince had gone out of his way to come see her and make sure she's doing the minimum to take care of herself, and she can't even muster up a proper response for his efforts?

"I wasn't very good company either, you know. After the Tragedy of Duscar." He shakes his head, trying to ignore the bead of pain that forms at the memories. "If I'm honest, I don't remember much about the first few weeks, but I've been told I hardly spoke. What I do remember of that time is loneliness. It's why Dedue's friendship meant so much to me. I felt as if no one in the world could understand what I was experiencing."

They must have stabbed Dimitri with every lance in the Imperial Army, but Felix still recognizes him even though he's laying face down in the mud. He would have recognized him even if there was nothing left to see. It's undignified. It's wrong. He's going to be sick. He—

Sylvain is talking again. Felix only half listens to what he's saying. He's curled in on himself slightly, facing away from the other man because he doesn't want to see the look on his face right now and know that he's the one who put it there.

"You don't have to apologize, Felix. You can't control your dreams." He takes a deep breath, trying to figure out what to do. "Will you take some more deep breaths with me? I'm going to light some candles, okay?" It's clear neither of them is going back to sleep any time soon, so he might as well make it where he can actually see Felix.

He has no idea how best to help with this. Felix is much better at helping him with his nightmares. But Felix won't tell him what he needs, which makes everything so much harder. He knows this has something to do with Dimitri, but he also knows Felix is going to fight him tooth and nail when it comes to actually talking about it.

@torchsung asked: “ shh… it’s okay… breathe with me, okay? in… and out… good job. “ (Sylvain @ Felix) | accepting

Hilda was wrong. She had to be. It must have been someone else that she saw. There was no way that he had been killed. None. Felix had torn away from the others no sooner that the words "Dimitri" and "executed" had left Hilda's mouth, despite Byleth and Claude attempting to stop him. He was running, fast despite his exhaustion and the minor wounds he'd sustained in the battle, not knowing where—

There was a clearing in the trees a small distance from the field, and the pit at the bottom of his stomach told Felix what he would find long before he saw the blood and broken remains of the former King of Faerghus.

Could he have stopped him? Could he have saved...

"Dimitri!"

Felix wakes with a start, bolt upright and drenched in sweat. There's a presence next to him that takes him a moment to register in the midst of his disorientation; he doesn't even realize where he is at first. His heart is pounding in his ears, and he feels nauseous. A dream. It was just a dream. That damn dream again. He's in Gautier, and Sylvain is saying something next to him. Reminding him to breathe, he thinks. In and out, in and out. He tries.

Fuck. How many times has this happened now? He shouldn't be so shaken by a damn dream. Sylvain doesn't deserve having to put up with this. But every time he closes his eyes, all he sees is...

Dammit.

He's there as soon as Felix wakes up, helping him breathe. Goddess, one of these days his heart is going to pound right out of his chest, at the rate it's going. This can't be good for Felix. But he'll never talk to Sylvain about the dreams, so he doesn't know what to do.

This time, though, something slipped out. He's thought he'd heard it before, but this time it was unmistakable. Dimitri. Sylvain's own chest aches at the thought of him. But he and Felix had always been...different.

@torchsung asked: “ hey, i got you some water. drink it all, you’ll feel better. “ (Dimitri @ Byleth) | acceptitng

Byleth barely looks up from where she's sitting at her desk when she hears Dimitri's voice. In truth, she hasn't moved much from this spot— let alone her room— since they'd gotten back to the monastery. Her father is dead, and everything feels hollow. If it wasn't for the fact that it had never worked to begin with, she'd be certain that her heart would never feel right again. How can it, after what had happened? Jeralt is gone, and despite her efforts to save him, nothing could ever bring him back.

Logically, she knows that Dimitri is right. Drinking water is important, and it might help alleviate some of the headache she's had for the past week. Even so, she can't work up the energy to accept it.

You can't simply give up in taking care of yourself like this, Sothis scolds her, though not unkindly. He's right. Go on, take the water! Your father would not have wanted this for you.

Well, that does it, then. Byleth reaches out to take the glass from Dimitri and places it on the desk in front of her.

"You're welcome." He murmurs, feeling frozen to the spot. He isn't sure if he's welcome to stay or not. "You needn't apologize, professor. What you are going through is...beyond difficult. I only wanted you to know that all of us are thinking of you, and we are here to provide whatever aid might be required." Perhaps he should only speak for himself, and not the entire blue lions class, but his promise is sincere.