A Life Less Lived

I have plans Monday to see someone I have been friends with for over 35 years and I don’t want to be a zombie.

I have for the most part been managing my addiction a lot better than I ever have. I never spend all my money, I don’t blow off work, I pay my bills. I’ve gotten my credit score up from 580 to 760, but I’m not so foolish to think I can’t get out of control again.

I stayed away from the pipe yesterday so I was normal when I saw them. Sunday is usually my blaze day, so if I do something Monday I’m usually tired and coming down.

I am better with this kind of thing sans drugs.

Monday will be a different story because I need some dick!!!

I certainly do.

I have, some how, been able to manage it a lot better, but I am still making bad decisions, not doing life correctly and I am fully aware that sooner or later it all comes falling down.

Despite my 35 years long addiction my life over the past few years has gotten better. I have been able to get rid of all my debt, I am making decent money, and I really like my job.

It is so easy to fuck it all up. I am anxious about this all the time.

Also the idea of stopping is totally overwhelming. I am afraid I would go crazy and never be able to have sex again.

AND….I’m better than I used to be!!

I feel like I’m getting back all the garbage I’ve thrown out into the universe for the majority of my life.

I have no idea why I don’t want to take 2 hours to clean my absolute disaster of a bedroom.

I was just thinking about something unpleasant. It's something that, I think, has been buzzing around my head for years, but I have never wanted to try and grab it because, it is as previously stated, unpleasant.

That thought is: To the family and loved one's of the people I get high with, I am evil, a villain, a criminal, the devil.

I was imagining that if someone I partied with were to pass away and their family were to get into their phone and get my info. that they could very easily see me as part of the problem.

I don't like this at all, but sadly, I couldn't blame them either. I mean, we are all adults that decide to do what we do, and I am not the only person anyone I know gets high with, but I am still on the map, and I am not sure if I will ever be able to not think about this ever again.

To those people, I am an evil, horrible, awful person.

I wanted to stay not high for March.

I couldn't go longer than 8 days.

What the fuck am I going to do. Its starting to eat me alive. I am spending over 500.00 a month.

I hate this.