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i took a drug test and tested positive for hummus #fuck

facìa nu test pâ droga e fu pusitivu pi l'hummus #cazzu

Interviews with hockey players are fantastic, because it is a complex game that can be spoken about at length, but during the intermission they'll find the Wettest player imaginable on the losing team and for thirty seconds they'll ask them things like "what do you need to do to get more pucks in the net?" And the player (panting, haunted behind the eyes) says something like "well, we've got to get them in there"

ambitious indie project this, surprise box-office hit that, iron lung (production budget: $3mil) is the 'someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this, my family is dying' tweet.

aborted space whale voice: waooooöo

this is how we resolve the duck duck goose vs duck duck gray duck dilemma

i think its funny how if you imagine something scary enough your brain starts treating it like its real and out to get you. its really cool and not annoying at all

gonna start reblogging this every time i start worrying about about the Scary Getter

Dead wife but it's a flashback to an amazing sandwich you had 3 years ago

Dead wife but it's a flashback to an amazing sandwich you had 3 years ago

i could not eat a dozen fried eggs and would never want to do so. but i almost certainly could accidentally eat a dozen deviled eggs if i was at a party or perhaps a picnic and they were there. they are a highly dangerous food item in this way

The devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he doesn't exist. His second greatest trick was that egg thing hoo boy those are good

At this point it's more disappointing than shocking that not a single assassin in the states can aim a fucking gun

Three Fuckinh Times Bruh wake me up when we get there

“indeed, it seems that the Pacific Northwest (Twilight) is a common locale for finding vampires and werewolves at a high school” oh my god

Can't wait to run across this drama summarised in a three hour video essay

saying "question mark?" and "however comma," out loud are game changers. punctuation on the go. and it's always the funniest thing that anyone around you has ever heard