hey.

I’m sad :( very sad. Everything is triggering to me right now and I’m over it. I feel like things never go right and when they do I should expect the worst to come. I don’t like it and I’m tired. I’m so tired

My dad is still dead :/. 25 now. Happy birthday to me. I solo camped at Palo Duro Canyon. I actually planned it in April but the meaning of the trip completely transformed for me. I don’t have many friends but I also didn’t want to deal with the intricacies of planning something (planning, timing, disappointment when ppl don’t come). Out there I didn’t feel anything but contentment. I felt calm. At peace. Listened to music. Read. Got bored but not in a bad way. Hiked almost 19 miles. Crazy. I push myself so hard sometimes. Idk why.

Fast forward to today. Rn I’m high. The day was weird because I planned to hu w someone. And he ghosted me. Damn unfortunate. Makes me feel rejected and undesirable . And then I saw this

My dad died. He was 63. I’m 24 and will be 25 in Sept. what the fuck!!!!!

I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never lost anyone so close to me. My grandpa died two yrs ago and I never processed it. I can’t do that this time. I was too close to him, we talked almost daily. And now it’ll never happen again. I’ll never create new memories. He’ll never see me fall in love. He’ll never see me get married. He won’t walk me down the isle. He won’t see me maybe have kids. He won’t see me hopefully accomplish my dreams. There’s nothing. There’s no more.

I don’t really know how to feel. I’m not really feeling much actually. I feel some sadness because I have to stop talking to Iowa man (he doesn’t like me). I felt happiness with Alex and dru. But it’s fleeting and without the constant distractions my mind wonders back to the emptiness. I’m so so stressed for my mom because she’s alone. But I’m so so stressed for myself. I’ve never been this afraid for my own well being before. I’m scared but I know I’ll at least get out of bed because nothing trumps my extreme fear of failure AND I’m forced into motherhood by taking in my dad’s dog. Another thing I’m nervous and anxious as hell about. I guess that’s the third thing I’ve felt. Anxiety. So so much.

He hello, I’m being a serial thinker. It is 2 am and I have to get ready for work at 4:45. But my body wanted to be up so I’m up. And boy am I fucking thinking right now.

I promise I didn’t not start this diary to only talk about a boy but I’m a lover girl who is slightly delulu so a crush encompasses every aspect of my life/ thoughts 🤭 oops.

But yes, boi is leaving me on read for so long :( and stopped messaging me every morning. And guys I have rationalized already why I’m like this lol. Let’s do a deep dive.

I saw a TikTok a long ways back about scarcity mindset and “late bloomers”. The unresolved feelings of girlies who have never been desired in their lives.

I was always fat or unattractive to ppl so I never had a bf, boys were never attracted to me, was asked out as a joke. All the things of course. Was always a girl that other girls thought was pretty but not desirable to the male gaze until I lost a bunch of weight in 2018. But also couple that with going to a PWI. Black men didn’t like me growing up so u know white men definitely didn’t (only speaking in man because was repressing feelings 4 women). But finally ppl started liking me at 21/22. Was feeling good and confident, and putting my worth in ppl who thought I was pretty because it was constant affirmations that I was desirable and wanted and that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of since I was a kid.

My brain always put this scarcity mindset Idea and anxious attachment together. A lot of ppl like to blame anxious attachment on parental styles but I’m 90% sure there are us girlies who have that style due to the constant want/need of validation. We finally have someone who likes us? We HAVE to hold on because what if it never happens again? What if this is a one time off thing? No one else may be attracted to me. It’s unfortunate to think that way but it’s real out here 😭 so that’s what’s wrong with me.

All to say, this impacts even communications with potential partners. Having to confront them about things that stress u out is particularly hard because it feels like you’re on constant thin ice/will be rejected at any moment. All u want to do is be accommodating and understanding and as u can imagine this can be super problematic in relationships. Like “oh, I have a super super big issue in our relationship but I will put up with it even if it destroys me because I’m scared you’ll leave me”… that is not normal!

Ahhhh, I’m done!! I be thinking !!!!!!

Iowa man does not send snaps every morning anymore :( said something yesterday and he said he hasn’t been on his phone much 🤨. He also said he’ll send me a pic last night and didn’t. Idk, I complain about ppl not communicating and I really need to but I’m scared that hel hurt my feelings…. But is that worse than me sitting here hurting my own feelings about the situation?

Talking to a man who lowkey stresses me out lmao. He be replying so late but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because I don’t *think* he’s on his phone all day. He gives me those vibes but I’m unsure. I also don’t know why I’m talking to him, he’s 1000 miles away. Like can something genuinely come out of this? I don’t trust that he actually likes me like he says he does because I have developed trust issues. The last four ppl I’ve been involved with have started the relationship/ told me they like me…. But as soon as I decided to let my guard down and actually like them, they decide they don’t want me anymore. So I don’t want to dive into an online relationship essentially and expecting a positive end :/// very unfortunate! Very unfortunate indeed!

(But I do kinda like him lol. I think he’s funny and witty and seems very caring. I like that a lot. And physically, I am soooo attracted to him. Lol that’s another thing, is he just into me physically [as someone who hates themselves this is a weird concept] or does he like me like he says he does? Idk. I’m trying to stay positive and hope for the best but also not hope too much because I get too invested a lot of the times. Also I don’t like ppl first/ this early yall so this is very weird for me. So I want it to go well obviously. ) but like does he think of me this much. Am I on his mind like he’s on mine? If he’s not replying, I must not be right? Like that’s a fact I feel 💀 this is why the girlies get annoyed about not hearing from ppl. I should be on your mind as much as you’re on mine. But is that true? Do some ppl just have a lot more going on/self control? Is this just lover girl antics

It’s just so crazy!! A crazy life!! And I just want companionship. I just don’t know why I decided to like someone in Iowa??? But I’m so fucking lonely!! And making friends is so hard and my job will just have me gone for long periods of time sometimes. And life is so hard! I just want someone by my side. Everything is feeling so intense lately and life is shifting and I’m trying so hard to keep up. It’s hard and all I can do is constantly cry.