with all the love in the world, hazel’s eyes roll. perhaps she should’ve known better than to hope he’d at least let her patch up an old error, a mistake at the smaller end of the scale when it comes to significance, but still one he has to live with, but of course he brushes it aside and shrugs it off, unbothered. “i know i don’t,” she adds, though it’s unnecessary. the offer still stands, but pushing it won’t do either of them any good, at least not right now. if they make this a regular thing like hazel hopes to, maybe she can get him to change his mind. instead, she can flip the past tattoo mistakes topic onto herself; though it doesn’t seem to bother him that he has a tattoo that must be rather hideous, even if it’s just subtle bullshitting, she can make him feel a little better about it. “i got that bird covered,” she tells him, fondness for the memory pulling the corners of her lips into a smile; the tattoo wasn’t great ( why would it be ? nobody who’d tattoo a seventeen year old is at all trustworthy ) and the non-species-specific bird that sat upon her skin the last time they spoke has since been covered by the sleeve on her leg. “the stars and the flower are still goin’ strong, though,” she says; the stars sit behind her ear, meaning they’re in a rather difficult spot to cover, and the fact that nobody ever really sees them to the point of her often forgetting they’re there, herself, meaning there isn’t much point in covering them, and the sunflower on her foot actually isn’t that bad. “that bird was fuckin’ ugly.”
the smile that tom gives her is one she’s all too familiar with. he gave her that smile more than he should’ve needed to, when his home life became so normal to him that it was no longer a big deal, and it was able to be shrugged off, when she’d come to realise something about him that he didn’t have to say, only giving her that smile in response. though hazel wants to say something, wants to let him know that if he ever needs money, he knows where she is ( she’s not exactly rolling in it, either, but she lives very comfortably. it wasn’t always the case, and her first couple of years in new york weren’t exactly great, but she wiggled her way into stability ) but doesn’t want him to think she pities him at all, and very much knows that the offer would be brushed aside. instead, she just fiddles with her straw, but it’s very much clear that she knows what the smile means, and she’s just choosing to respect it. however, as he makes a subtle reference to the way he was treated when they were kids, she can’t keep her expression as respectful. a stick and poke was nothing in comparison, even though it was certainly unpleasant, and hazel’s jaw clenches. it’s no secret that hazel loathed the way everyone around tom treated him, and it still gets to her now, that protective annoyance swirling inside her stomach. “you shouldn’t have been used to it,” she says eventually, and as finally as tom’s words regarding the potential cover-up. still, she leans forward as he actually lifts his shirt up, only focusing on the tattoo and muttering a ‘jesus christ’ as her eyes fall onto it, before they roll at her own past stupidity. she won’t be adding that one to her portfolio, then. “christ. that’s… well, on the bright side, i’ve definitely improved,” she says drily as she leans back in her chair. on the less-than-bright side, tom has that on his body forever. yikes. the way people are staring at tom is caught by him before hazel can do the same, and she gently prods his leg with her foot in faux-protest as he addresses them, his words causing her to smirk as she averts her gaze to her coffee, as if she has absolutely nothing to do with any of this.
“probably,” hazel says with a smile, shrugging. his guess is as good as hers when it comes to the events of their teenage years; hazel’s memory is hardly trustworthy when it comes to certain aspects of those years. “and probably just to be an ass, if y’did,” there shouldn’t be so much fondness in her voice, but it’s hardly as if she’d ever say such a thing without it being present. sipping at her coffee, her eyebrows quirk as he seems to read her mind, acknowledging that it can’t have been easy to get from where she was back then to where she is now, a simple sign that she has something to say once she’s swallowed, and as he continues, she just nods in understanding. he’s being so genuine with her and, probably without meaning to, gives her the opportunity she’s been looking for. “i know y’did. me tellin’ ya not to wasn’t gonna stop ya, i – realise that now. i didn’t… wanna be worried about, and i just wanted you to go off and be happy, but i know y’must’ve worried anyway. and i know i, uh, probably caused a lot of that. even before we were together. and i’ve never apologised. i know i must’ve put ya through a lot, and i know i wasn’t always easy to be around, especially near the end, and i’m just really sorry.”
on the surface, hazel accepts her past as part of her and is able to move on, and although that’s entirely true, there are things peppered into her background that she knows were her own doing, and can and will own up to them. although she knows she was an alcoholic, and she wasn’t consciously tearing things apart, she can still admit that it was her that did those things, her that worried her boyfriend, her that ruined relationships, her that had screaming matches with people that she then didn’t remember, and her that never apologised to tom. that was all her. she never would’ve done it sober, but that doesn’t matter; it still happened, and she still hurt people. maybe she’d defend herself if anyone but herself were to call her out on it, but not with tom, and not with her being the one to admit it. still, when it comes to tom thinking she deserves everything she has now, and deserves to be sober and doing well and being as strong as she is, there’s a small but genuine smile on her lips. she wouldn’t blame him if time and distance had allowed him to grow bitter, if slowly falling out of love with her made him see things ‘clearer’ before she reminds herself that he still cared about her. they were still friends. there will always be love there, even if it’s not romantic, and never was on her part.
his life’s good. as tom speaks, hazel can’t help but expect a ‘but…’ to follow; his words are a little lacklustre, and she realises what’s missing. it’s the same thing that’s missing from every summary she’s given him. happiness. maybe it’s only realised because she’s been doing the same, and wouldn’t be otherwise, but either way, she can’t help but begin to question whether her initial assumption that he’s now got the happy life hazel always wanted him to, isn’t as accurate as she’d thought. “that probably wouldn’t go very well for ya,” she says sarcastically, but he’s got a point. money can’t buy happiness, but it sure as hell can make a life a little less miserable, and only those who have gone without it can say so. fuck it, she may not have been able to say it before, but she’ll say it now. “listen, i know you’re okay. and you’re probably never gonna accept it, but i’m gonna offer anyway. if you… if you ever need money, y’know where i am, okay ? don’t brush it off with an ‘i don’t have to’ because i know. that’s not what i’m sayin’ it. and i know y’didn’t bring it up hopin’ i’d offer, so don’t think that, either,” she says sincerely, before adding an entirely kidding “or y’could just let me cover that stick and poke for ya,” to lighten the air again. it doesn’t last long, though, as hazel realises she should’ve kept her mouth shut in regards to those who bullied him all those years ago. “sorry,” she mumbles quickly as he winces, but she’s the one tensing as tom mentions a particular jock they had the misfortune of attending school with. she knows which one – and she knows tom knows why she let him take it as far as he did. “yeah, well, he deserved it,” she says quickly and certainly. “i hated him bein’ anywhere near ya. any of ‘em. drove me nuts that people wouldn’t just leave ya alone.”
however, she’s glad when the light returns to his face, her own smile returning as she lets out a laugh as he pretends to toss the kiss over his shoulder, and even her lack of argument for his very valid point seems to cause him to smirk. “i mean… you’re right. but – y’know she was never as bad as half the people you ended up livin’ with, right ?” that’s debatable, yet she simply has to ask anyway, her tone casual even though she isn’t overly keen on bringing it up again in favour of keeping the air around them on the lighter side, but he’s the one that brought up the foster system, so she deems it okay to throw that in quickly. she just has to double check. laughing once more at tom’s offended question, she shakes her head, rolling her eyes fondly. “i know, i know, it’s a hard pill to swallow. it truly breaks my heart to say this, but thomas judah blackwell… you do not look eighteen anymore,” she tells him playfully, but as if breaking the most devastating and serious of news to him. “if y’need time to process this, i understand entirely.”
Tom raised his eyebrows when she said she had covered up that bird on her leg, a smirk playing on his lips. Ah yes, he remembered the very shitty bird. Still had the stars and the flower though? Hm. “Hey!” he suddenly jabbed when she commented further on the bird, sitting up straighter and giving her the most shit-eating grin the world had ever seen, “I thought that bird was fucking beautiful, excuse you! Don’t hurt the feelings of the goddamn fallen, let ‘em rest in peace. Really tickles my tits you still have the other shit though.” The way she played with her straw, though, was enough to tell him that he had gotten his point across with the smile that he had given her. No, money wasn’t fantastic and there wasn’t much that he could say about it. Money was money. It made the world go around and Tom had never been on the better end of the stick when it came to money. So be it. However, as her expression changed, he recognized the bitterness there all too well. It was bitterness he had held during high school himself, bitterness that had driven him into all kinds of bad habits, bad habits that Hazel had absolutely hated out of only caring for him, which was something he would never quite grasp. It seemed that even being loved by someone so tenderly could not patch up all wounds from his colorful, crimson-red childhood. Unfortunately. Shrugging his shoulders simply and brushing the statement off, he figured he was grateful for being used to it now. It gave him the high pain tolerance when it was needed, in the kind of profession he had been living back in Baltimore. The crime life had not exactly been glamorous in designer clothes and stacks of cash. There was always the dark side of bullet holes and stitched up wounds, all too familiar with them as it were. “Definitely improved is something, at least,” he said with a hint of sarcasm to his tone, simply teasing her, sitting back comfortably and finishing off his coffee, his green eyes falling on the muffin he had pushed away. Wasn’t hungry anymore and probably wouldn’t finish it. Thinking back on when he had received the tattoo from her, he still struggled to remember his exact actions, squinting one eye shut and smirking to himself. Well... it wouldn’t be beyond him to grab her ass just to be a brat. Brushing the red hair out of his face and nodding his head in agreement, searching to remember, he was pulled out of it when she spoke further, his eyes on her face. The apology caused a frown to form on his face, his brow furrowing, having to think about her words. I must have put you through a lot. “You... don’t have anything to apologize for, Hazel,” he said after a moment, grimacing and shaking his head slightly, “That’s what you... do for love. Stick out the ups and downs. I don’t fucking know, Hazelbee... there’s just nothing to be sorry for.”
A silence fell between them and while Tom wasn’t mulling over the past, he did think back on it for a few moments, his green eyes drifting downwards. While it hadn’t been all unicorns and rainbows, there were very little moments he might actually blame her for, and despite being a rather grudging person, she gave him no reason to hold the grudge. High school was over. He hadn’t followed any dreams into being an actor like his father. She had been by his side through thick and thin. He had nothing to hold against her. Absolutely nothing. At least, in his own eyes. Her offer pulled him from outer space, his brow furrowing further immediately and grimacing at her words, wanting to shut it down immediately and shaking his head as soon as the words if you ever need left her mouth. No, he wouldn’t accept charity, no matter how bad shit got, unless his daughter depended on it. It would only be for his daughter that he would ever let go of that selfish pride, that strong-willed independence that he clung to tightly. His eyes rolled when she made a joke to punctuate the offer, dissolving into a slight smirk, hissing in a playful tone, “Will that get you off my ass, Hazel? Will it? Is your ass clenching thinking about the hideous fucking stick and poke on my chest? Cause you’ll have to fucking shave me again if you cover that shit up.” Her apology is uncalled for, but he understood why she was apologizing. He didn’t mind thinking about that part of his past, no matter how bitter it might make him. Was it pleasant? Well, no. But it was a part of him and he had accepted what had happened, no matter what his remaining feelings on it were. “Don’t,” he said quickly, biting his lip, “I’m glad I kicked his ass too. Especially after finding out after that you... he... y’know. Y’know what I mean. Kinda fucking miss my tooth, but least I still got all four canines. My fucking throat-ripping teeth.” It was a joke, of course maybe not so much these days, considering how sharp they were. For someone who had bad teeth, his canines had come in perfectly and then some. Full of contradictions, as always. Her question doesn’t give him much debate, though, giving her a look and quirking one brow, pushing his red hair out of his face again, replying smoothly, “That’s... questionable, Hazel. She treated you pretty fucking shitty. She didn’t fucking care. I had plenty of homes like that... nothing makes you feel shittier than feeling unloved and uncared for. Not even being hit in the fucking sniffer.” As he removed his hand from his hair to brush it from his face, he quickly lifted it back up again, forming a posture of mock offense, making a face and gasping. Full name and everything. Damn, that was cold. “Well, fuck you very much, Mendes. I won’t be leaving you a good fucking review on Tinder for that one,” he teased as he prodded her leg with his own foot this time, rolling his eyes and flipping her off playfully again.
